Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

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Getting to the point where you value yourself more than the situation is the key.

It's hard to get to that point but once you do it feels wonderful. We become attractive again.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to withstand the storm my life had become, but I did, I still am, and I will continue to do so.

And that is why you are able to offer hope to others. People who are going through the fire need to see somebody who has been there and survived. Not just survived but come through shining like a beautiful teacup.

[Ready2Change]

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I just find there's a lot of talk about working internally on one's self.

This is fine if there is no obsessive or addictive behavior happening your WS's part..

This is fine...no matter what. I cannot think of a situation that one would not benefit from an increased self-awareness and self-knowledge. Since we know that both parties contribute to the coming apart of a marriage, even if a wayward spouse is in an A, addicted to drugs, or mentally ill ~~~ working on oneself will only benefit the sitch overall.

[Ready2Change]

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The first thing is for you to consult with a lawyer and find out what your rights are. I almost gave up everything until I saw a lawyer and he straightened out my ignorance of the law.

I can't stress this enough. In my state, leaving the marital residence does hurt any attempt at custody and my lawyer told me to stay put no matter what. I'm not sure where you live or what the laws say.

That's what you need a lawyer for. They usually give you a free consultation so search for the best one you can get. Mine is costing me, but I'm getting what I pay for and he's top notch.

I'm not sure if she can just take the kids just like that. I doubt she can, but again, you need to see a lawyer about it.

I got the same spiel about not being considerate, blah, blah, blah...as if she was just entitled to the house and the kids.

Get a lawyer! Go talk to lawyers all over your area, ask every single one of them what lawyer they would hire if they were going to divorce, and talk to those as well. You need legal help NOW! Do not let her get those kids out of the house without being legally told she can, and DO NOT move out yourself.

[Ready2Change]

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To me, based on my own personal experience and the experiences of a few others, there are two equally fatal mistakes that people can make when their marriage is in a serious crisis (as in basically over):

1. Adopt a fatalistic approach and say, "This is done, and it will never change, and everything happens for a reason, and this is so over and broken it can never be repaired no matter what".

2. Adopt a "bo peep" attitude of denial: "They really love me, but they are lost in a fog, and that's why they are divorcing me and screwing other people, but someday the fog will lift", and unfortunately, when you tell people there may be hope and that the future isn't written yet, they are likely to hear it as "just go into denial, and everything will be OK. After all, an alien took over my spouse, and now they are lost in a fog", but all I have to do is wait and act as if everything will be OK, and it will be.

For me, and this is personal, there was no real detaching really happening until I acknowledged the reality that my wife just didn't love me, and then I stopped waiting for something to change, stopped trying to manipulate the outcome of any of our rare interactions.

That's when it hit me that I am going to be OK, and her problems weren't my problems, and that's when I was able to let go so that it was up to her what to do, and you know what?

She decided to win me over. Who'd a thunk it, eh?

[Ready2Change]

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The other element is the fact (at least according to Harville Hendrix) that most relationship problems are actually based on each partner's individual issues. This is why, I believe, that the DB tack of working on oneself first is an effective one.

That's one of the reasons calling your spouse out on CB is such a great 180. It shows you have detached a little to change your perspective and see your role and how your spouse is behaving in unacceptable ways. It means you are loving yourself (doing the work). You can't give away what you don't have, so until you love yourself you won't be able to share it.

Women and men know when they are out of line. I believe it is very loving to set and respect boundaries. "I respect the fact that you can do whatever you want but if you want to be in a marriage with me then you can't behave that way." Your spouse does something that goes against your values, beliefs and morals it is your responsibility to bring it up in a non-confrontational manner.

Not having the tools to do this is one of the reasons couples end up here. Once a LBS stands up for himself they are modeling healthy relationship skills and leading. Too many people regard it as - tough, manning up, setting ultimatums where once crossed there is no coming back, macho, harsh etc. It's wise, healthy, necessary, appropriate and loving.

It's one of the things you need to learn to handle because it will present itself again in most relationships. I have a issue with your behavior not you as a person. Looking inward you need to look at why you won't say something if it is bothering you.

[Ready2Change]

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I think maybe I should share this with you as it was shared with me:

Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.

We get the two confused.

We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.

The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.

Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.

But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.

When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.

When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.

When you argue, you're working at improving them.

When you try to reason with them.

When you tell them how much you love them.

Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.

Proof? You want proof?

Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

And watch them improve themselves.

Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

You have put the white flag up.

You've thrown your gun down.

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.

Agree with them.

Do not disagree at all.

It's not to your advantage.
....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.

Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."

Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."

I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."

"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."

"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"

"Yeah, I want her back."

"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."

And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."

You been at this 4 months. Is that long enough?

I don't know. And no one here knows Pin. You have 13 years with this woman.

It is up to you.

Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.

It's perfectly okay.

Yep agree with her. "This marriage isn't working for me either. Us in the same house isn't working for me. I don't feel it either. I have been wrong trying to get you to love me, that was selfish of me. I want you to be happy, I want myself to be happy and I want the girls to see and feel love in their home. That's why I have decided_____________________.
"

You wife needs to feel you walking away not a fallback and comfortable position. if you can't do it in the same house then make sure you have everything checked off legally, financially, with he girls and you are squared away emotionally. Separation isn't the end.

[Ready2Change]

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I read a study some 20 years ago that validated my personal experience, so perhaps it bears repeating. When asked what men & women most valued in a spouse, men reported "attractiveness and peace in the home" (I read that as "decent sex/looks good, and no nagging"). Women reported "Fidelity and security". To me, "fidelity" meant "don't cheat" and "Security" meant I want to feel safe. It's more than finances, but it included financial security too, and I have no shame in that at all. I have worked hard.

[Ready2Change]

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Good thoughts on who owns the problem:

I think as much as it sucks I am going to have to just not go. If I am there I am the scrooge to her ruining the fun. I dunno I got to think on it.

As long as you act upbeat and have fun with your son and do not use that event to try to warm-up to your W, then have a great time. Be nice to her but don't treat her the way you would have in the past "as your W" and let her begin to see how things as a S/D couple will go. Just be nice as if she was one suppose to be a blind date--who turned out to be your cousin. You wouldn't romance your cousin or smother her with attention. You'd be getting back to your son.

If she has a problem with that, well then....that her problem, not yours. You will be seeing how often you will face that same bridge.

After that you've been fun at the party, and has shown your son a wonderful time......if she has a problem with that, well then that is her problem, not yours.

[Ready2Change]

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[quote]"Wow, that's a big curveball, (Wife). I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.I need to think about that. And tonight is not good for me at all -- I already have plans. Let me sleep on this, and we'll talk in the next couple of days. I won't do anything legally before then, but I just need to really think about what you've said, because I'm just not sure anymore."

Let her know your thinking not feeling thru this.

[Ready2Change]

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People lose respect and attraction for you when they can treat you poorly and violate your principles, values, beliefs and morals and you do nothing. It's not noble, honorable, strong, healthy or wise.

When you step back (detach) and look at your sitch like you are looking in a fishbowl it helps you see your role in the current environment. When all the feedback tells you that you appear a certain way and more importantly how you appear to your WAS then the wise men takes the feedback and discerns the validity of it with a open mind. Having empathy and compassion means you can put yourself in the shoes of your spouse and see yourself. I want my wife to see me as attractive, wise, in control and taking care of business. I do have control over that because I have learned what women want and how to give it to them.

A women can't feel safe with a man who will let a woman treat him badly and not do anything. She will lose respect and this leads to a lose of love. It's amazing what happens when you set boundaries and call people out on CB. Just try it and follow their actions.