WAW Using God III

[pigskin]

Journaling:
In any case, communication and her attitude have definitely gotten better. I just don't think she is "there" yet to try a full reconciliation. But it does seem less of an impossibility than it did just a few short weeks ago. Her stating point blank that she didn't want a divorce is a positive; it may just require some slow steady baby steps from here to get to serious reconciliation discussion.

Reconciliation carries some serious self-examination and some serious self-admission that she screwed up. That's the scary part. She may not ever admit it to you: "I needed that to see just how much you needed to change." It will still be there inside her skull. She knows the damage that she's done to the family and the flimsy excuses that she's based it on.

It's not a fun $417 sandwich to snack on. She's just not ready to face it yet.

SpinFree

It's definitely in her head. Our talk on Thursday was different in that she never once brought up any justification for her actions, which she ALWAYS would fall back on during R talks. Two key quotes from her: "I had it good, why am I looking for something different?" and "I think about what I have put you through."

That is a huge change. I've owned up to the ways I have fallen short in our relationship. But I always had the confidence in knowing there was nothing there that would justify a divorce when viewed from a third party's perspective. I know this because just about all of her closest friends and relatives have been scratching their heads over her "justifications". Most of them saying "What the hell?!? You haven't been dealing with anything we haven't seen in our own marriages at one time or another. While they need to be addressed, they certainly don't justify divorce."

And that is why I feel I'm not missing anything here. I was not a perfect husband, but I think I have been better than most.

That said, it doesn't matter that another woman might characterize her complaints as trivial. If it was important to my W, it has to be taken seriously, and I have done that. None of the changes I have made have been "against my will". I have agreed that if I want to be the husband I aspire to be, all of the things that have bothered her in the past must be addressed, and I am doing that.

The "Love Languages" book hits it square on the head. You can think you are doing a perfect job, but if it is not in the areas your W thinks are important, your efforts are falling short. That is an important point to grasp.

I haven't seen her current attitude for the entire duration of this ordeal, so it is definitely a step in the right direction.

[gutwrenching]

Baby steps...that was another one it seems. Keep on doing what works...

[SpinFree]

Pigskin,
We're dying here.
Help us out.
Where are you guys at?
How are your boundaries holding up?

SpinFree

[pigskin]

Pigskin,
We're dying here.
Help us out.
Where are you guys at?
How are your boundaries holding up?

SpinFree

LOL. Sorry Spin, didn't realize there was such demand for the next issue of pigskin magazine...

When I don't post every day it just means nothing of note has happened.

W has the kids for the weekend; we are all going to a brief halloween thing at the kids' old daycare that we got invited to. After that, no plans.

W called today to say "Not that I think you need to do something about it but today our middle son said out of the blue, 'I wish daddy lived in this apartment so that when he yells at us the neighbors would hear and call the police on him'.

My initial reaction internally was one of her questioning my parenting, so naturally I got defensive and told her, "I don't do anything differently with the kids now than we did when we were together. I don't yell at them any more than you do, and when I do, it's only because they have been told something multiple times and are not listening."

(Now every parent yells at their kids after 5 times of asking them to do something/not do something and the kid(s) aren't listening. We are no different.)

My W implied that she was not trying to state that there was a problem, just that I should be aware of what was said. And that she expected me to just say "OK" instead of the same old pigskin getting defensive.

I said, "OK, then, OK."

But after hanging up I was fuming, and decided to not sit and stew on it. I called her back and we had a cordial conversation. I basically stated that I got defensive based on how she presented the information to me, and that in the future it would be better if she actually probed into what our son is talking about, and then preface any info she conveys to me as just info only. The tone of her call seemed to imply mistreatment of the kids, even if that was not the intent. At least I took it that way.

She knows I am a good parent (she has said so on numerous occasions) and affair notwithstanding, she is a good mother. Had I been the one our son told that to in reference to mommy yelling, my first statement to the boy would likely be, "Hmmmm. Let me guess. You were you doing something you weren't supposed to do and/or not listening to mommy?" (What my W said she asked was "Does daddy yell at you a lot?" To which the boy replied (of course) "yes". But daddy doesn't yell until he has asked at least 3 times politely. :-) )

I basically told her this, and she agreed that she didn't preface her comments properly. That took care of my fuming.

She seems to be on a down cycle in her depression as the last two days she has been reserved. One thing I might try to pay attention to is if it seems to correspond to when she gets the kids. I know it is tough with 3 kids in a one bedroom apartment. But this is her choice.

With her small improvement in attitude I've begun to think about what I want during the holidays. If she seems to continue to make progress, I would much rather have us spend Thanksgiving and Christmas the way we always do, even if it means she just comes over the the house and doesn't stay there. But I have definitely had thoughts of pushing the issue and stating point blank, "I'll take Christmas, you take Thanksgiving, since they correspond to the days we'll have the kids."

But the problem is, I really don't prefer that. Bottom line it would suck. And it seems to smack of manipulation. I'd like to spend the holidays as a family. Especially since it may be our last one together.

[MrBond]

Have your kids ever mentioned the OM to you? If she cared that much about what they thought, then she should be told. Just in a 'matter of fact' way.

[pigskin]

Have your kids ever mentioned the OM to you? If she cared that much about what they thought, then she should be told. Just in a 'matter of fact' way.

Sure. Quite often. Sometimes even when we are all together as a family.

[pigskin]

All quiet on the pigskin front.

Our community is doing its trick or treating tonight. W has the kids, but since apartment trick or treating would suck, she's going to come to the house so the kids can trick or treat in our neighborhood.

No real outward signs of probing from her since our talk two weeks ago. She was cool and businesslike yesterday when she came over to get some of the kids' things. I really hate that mood because it rubs off on me, and I'm not like that at all. I'm totally laid back, happy and joking almost all of the time. Makes for an awkward encounter.

Her apartment lease comes up at the end of next month. She hasn't said anything about it.

I'm still cool, playing both sides of the fence. Can't say I'm not encouraged by what she had said was going on in her skull, but I also understand that it could change for the worse in an instant, so I remain neutral.

[idontunderstand]

...I really hate that mood because it rubs off on me, and I'm not like that at all. I'm totally laid back, happy and joking almost all of the time. Makes for an awkward encounter.

I know what you mean. Even after all this time, she can knock me out of a good mood before I even know what's happening. Still have a lot of work to do on myself.

Still, I am encouraged by your recent turn of events. It is more of a chance for you to lead your family and be the rock that a family needs. I know your kids appreciate it and someday she will too, no matter how things turn out.

Continued prayers.

IDU

[pigskin]

Thanks IDU. Keep on truckin' brother.

[pigskin]

I am slightly amused by the email I got from my W today (paraphrasing):

"I was about to do benefit elections for work today and realized that now that you have your own benefits we should compare and see which company has the better deal for us. We should also probably look to figure out the "us" situation once and for all."

I had mentioned before when she did these elections to cover the end of 2010 that I found it strange that a woman seemingly bent on leaving me would be so concerned about what benefit options she elected.

After our talk 3 weeks ago where she revealed the conflict in her head, I decided to just completely back off and let it play out. With me being ready and comfortable with any outcome, I thought that the upcoming holidays would start to weigh on her, and eventually she was going to have to face that. Funny that benefit elections played into it as well.

So I told her I would sit down and go over the stuff Saturday night.

Now if you asked me to lay odds on what I think the outcome will be, I honestly could not do so. I have absolutely no idea what she is going to say. It's almost to the point where I am laughing about how uncertain it is.

However, I also realize that we've had so many "last gasps" that they are almost meaningless. If she wants to divorce I will agree with her. If she wants to reconcile, I will agree with her, but also lay down a list of things that are going to have to happen to make that a reality.

Before I saw her email, I asked her if she could pick the kids up from daycare since I was running late from work, and she did so. I appreciated it and gave her a hug when I came in the door (she brought them back to the house). She seemed to be in a good mood.

I still pray for her each day, and ask that she be healed from her depression to where she could recognize the truth and perhaps come to the realization that what she is doing is wrong. While she may choose to continue down her path, I still know that prayer is making a difference.