The anniversary of the divorce came and went without me fearing or realizing it. It's been two years.
I saw a man I was wildly flirting or at least trying to flirt with last year. I've realized that self confidence and a smile are much better than playing "Look at me!". That is, be secure in me.
I was with my son when he got a text message he read to me. "The baby was born at X time and weighed Y. Both baby and mom are fine. :)" He paused a bit. "Mom since when did Dad ever put a smiley face on something?" A bit longer pause. "Who texts their kids to tell them they have a little brother?"
I wrote an update to friends I haven't seen since a reunion four years ago when I was still married: "I'm single, have performed in several community theater productions and blah blah blah."
I no longer feel the need or compulsion to be identified by the betrayal and divorce.
It's been just over two years since the divorce was finalized. I not longer really think of myself as divorced or betrayed. It's more, "I'm 55 years old." like I have to remind myself.
I can direct a lot of anger at the former spouse when I see the hurt or apathy in the kids with how he has removed himself from their lives. But then I remember that it's my job and joy to be the Mom.. as source of support, to listen.. not as someone carrying the banner of wounded emotions. Oh yes, and to know and maintain my boundaries.
I talk a whole lot less about myself and focus on what's going on with other people. I've got tired of it being all about me. I want to know all about them, though some have balked at the change. In fact, I regret when I do make a sly comment about the former spouse having a newborn at 57. That has nothing to do with me.
I know all my 'mea culpas', like procrastinating, etc. Move forward with your own life, Kathleen. Not just the extension of being involved in my kids!
lkajsdofihsor;gna sov eth iesnkg reo haps dpissen l;khg e off ;adsltj ;eljwat;je ;kbu was ks;it a ragomg [romg// a[ittomg josj jamds pm jos ,p,p ;ole je sas tje adepbv;let espm/ o t beplasdr ;,;eu jear tja tjaeja bew;q pf f ,u los. tja tje awas saslomg fpr ,pm eu frp, jos ,p, weels befpre sje dtjos// amd sp ficlomg se;focj amd sicj om assjp;e om a;; je dpae;a/
o l;m pw ot a slzseasoer pt abe amgru at jo,e ratjer aamd emgage om ,u pwm wamxoetoes tjat m ot os tp ;et gp pf tjose sjot// becais eot ot sssjot amd ot s jpw O fee abpt jo,e/ o re,e,bet ejomglomg tjat o jaget jo,/ amd o lmew tjat was wrpmg ptp emgage om wjo;e sottomg acrpss vrp, jos duomg ,p,p//
Spt jp po jtat jpw o tfee; o dom t wpam ttp jp;d pmptp ot// o wamt pr cjam gcjpps ept be [ite pf tjpigj amd f;pwomg wojt lmpwomg tjat ot s mpt abpit ,e bit abpit j,u lods// jer fa,o;u// amd ,e/// imoted omc aromg abpit a ,agmofocoemt fa,o;u wjp sirrpimds jer wojt ;pve/
I re-typed this in gobbleygook because it seemed so petty when I reread my thoughts.
Oh yeah.. I unwittingly did something really stupid. While talking to my mother-in-law on her deathbed as she was drifting off.. I was telling her how much everyone loved her, how everyone was there.. her children, grandchildren.. paused adding "..and your favorite daughter-in-law" and went on from there. Only hours later while driving home did I realize that she had another daughter-in-law.. my former spouse's wife. When I mentioned that to my daughter.. she said.. "Yeah mom, when I heard you say that I did a mental face palm" and proceeded to slap the palm of her hand over her entire face. Yepppppppppppppppp.. that's me. Sheesh. Doh.
I don't think it mattered. You obviously still feel very connected to her and she to you. You were speaking from the heart, so drop any thought of guilt.
Whenever I see my former Mother-in-law, it is apparent that there are still feels of affection. She isn't mad at me or anything but certainly sorry that things happened as they did. I don't call them, it is just easier that way. I don't really want to know what they think of his new wife. No need to rehash all of it.
When we get together at kid functions, it is nice to catch up. Give each other hugs and move on.
big hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Being caring and considerate cost you nothing, but I'm a firm believer in "big deposits in the money market at the Karma bank".
I have a feeling you were speaking from the heart, and not trying to gather any sympathy points. You were pouring your heart out to an old, dying woman. There's worse things you could do.
Forget it. Move on. Not even worth 30 seconds in the "self- flaggelation penalty box".
BTW, how do you know you're NOT her favorite daughter in law?
It's official. The house is sold and I just moved into the cozy condo.
I remember back.. (dang.. has it been three years???)... when I had to come up with a name to create an account. I'd just seen "Gypsy" and plugged it in. And that name was a great fit in so many ways.
Today I did a double take when I saw the name.. because I'm not where I was then. I'm grounded, more self assured, confident, calm. The whirling dervish of anxiety stricken emotions has settled. And it reallllly helps no longer having the house and its associated costs bleeding me dry.
As I unpack, it feels like I'm playing house. Spending a lot of time and effort creating something, getting to know it.
It's been such a whirlwind between my mother-in-law's death and the move. (By the way, at the funeral her caregiver shared that my mother-in-law always talked about how much she treasured our relationship and that she couldn't imagine a better daughter-in-law).
According to my sis-in-law her mom wrote her son (my former spouse) out of her will. Not my problem nor do I have any interest in any level of involvement in that can o'worms.
So I am in a good place emotionally. While at the fireworks I answered all the questions about the move with my happy face. When a particular friend came up and asked me how I was doing something emotional shifted within me. A truth burbled up and while talking I started crying. She looked at me with concern. "I'm not crying because I'm sad or for what I've lost.. the tears are coming because I am so grateful for all I have. And I'm really glad these are such positive tears!"
I am so lucky, so blessed. Now I have to get organized and get a job with health insurance before my COBRA runs out in January!
Oh Katie dear! It is good to hear of your move. I just knew your mother-in-law gave the comment you made nary a thought. She clearly loved you. Also good for you remembering that the relationship that your ex has are between him and his family members and that includes your kids.
I know I had a moment of stress where I broke down and cried. Not about the marriage but just the weight of raising the kids alone, no alone time etc. I am so blessed for what I have and for where I am now. So it took three years, better than a lifetime.
Big hugs hon, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
