You got that right, sister. It took me forever before I would tell my H I was sorry. One reason was b/c I thought he acted so self-rightous when he said I hadn't even apologized to him, but the second reason was b/c of my closed heart. It sure made a difference in my sleep, once I did. But, do you know that he sat there while the tears streamed down my face and never said a word? I wanted to shake him! (No, not really.) I could see it in his eyes. He had forgiven me long ago--but he needed to hear it and I needed to say it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not talking to my XW at all- text only. She is starting to try to "trick" me into talking to her. I also don't let her into my apartment anymore. When she came over on monday night she had a bag of clothes all packed for the kids. I was in a hurry so I just took it and turned around back into my apartment. I am not doing this as some kind of tactic though. I truly do not want to talk to her anymore. I am divorced now and I intend on sampling the buffet!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
You got that right, sister. It took me forever before I would tell my H I was sorry. One reason was b/c I thought he acted so self-rightous when he said I hadn't even apologized to him, but the second reason was b/c of my closed heart. It sure made a difference in my sleep, once I did. But, do you know that he sat there while the tears streamed down my face and never said a word? I wanted to shake him! (No, not really.) I could see it in his eyes. He had forgiven me long ago--but he needed to hear it and I needed to say it.
Hi sandi2 - welcome back to my thread!
I know there is a lot of pride involved, a lot of emotion involved. I like how you describe it as having a closed heart. If my W only knew, if she was to open her heart back up and show me the pain, and sorrow, and remorse that I know is in there, she wouldn't get any judgment or anger in response, because I know I failed too. It will require an enormous leap of faith for her to trust that though. Until she finds the courage, or desperation, to do that, my marriage is dead, and I have to live for myself. Life goes on.
A friend of mine is a WAW who considered herself to be in a dead marriage, told her H she was leaving, started an EA, moved out and advanced the EA to a PA. It was a disaster. She had this other guy propped up as the savior of her life, when in reality, he had nowhere near the same investment in her. She totally compromised her self respect, and kept offering herself to him, even though he treated her in a take her or leave her manner, getting involved with other women, telling her they mean nothing to him, etc. After a year of this h*ll, she finally started seeing it for what it was, and became mortified at her behavior. She knows what she did was wrong, was destructive, and was not at all what she thought it was. The problem is, her XH has shown her nothing but anger and contempt and judgment, leaving no room for any possible healing. Her heart is sealed closed toward him, and their marriage is hopelessly dead.
I am not talking to my XW at all- text only. She is starting to try to "trick" me into talking to her. I also don't let her into my apartment anymore. When she came over on monday night she had a bag of clothes all packed for the kids. I was in a hurry so I just took it and turned around back into my apartment. I am not doing this as some kind of tactic though. I truly do not want to talk to her anymore. I am divorced now and I intend on sampling the buffet!
Something tells me your W did not anticipate this result when she decided to leave you! Ha!
It was always her dream that we would remain good friends through all this. I will not be around to take care of her when she is sick if some other guy is doinking her.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
It was always her dream that we would remain good friends through all this. I will not be around to take care of her when she is sick if some other guy is doinking her.
The delusion of many many WAS's is that somehow all they're doing is erasing your face from their "picture" of happiness and it only requires a slight shifting of a few pieces of....life...to make their world perfect. In their world, no one gets hurt except you and your pain is brief, and shallow and really, to them, it's your fault anyhow. In their world, THEIR happiness is contagious and the KIDS will be happier too, plus they're "resilient" anyway (most over used word in divorce) now that EVERYONE (except you but...never mind you) is so much more authentic and w/their soulmates and and blah blah blah. No sad tears, no sloppy feuds or desparate scenes or ugly fights or terrible phone calls or geal battles. No serious UNpleasant "consequences"...Yes it IS delusional.
But your last line made me laugh. Didn't even know the term "doinking"- but I think I like it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My favorite line from my stbxw is "I believe you will thank me for this."
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
my former bil told my sister "I'm actually doing you a favor." Sadly, or happily?, he was right. He did do her a favor b/c he was a taker and now he's gone and she's with someone who really "gets" her...
Still, it was a good line that actually made her roll her eyes and laugh at the time. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W and I are moving forward with the divorce, and yet she continues to act like she's my friend. No thanks.
I sent her an e-mail Sunday night and told her I need to get the legal stuff done. I laid out my basic financial proposal, and told her if she's agreeable to it, we can proceed through the mediator rather than lawyers. I offered to meet with her if she wants to go over stuff. She replied and said she'd like to meet, but if it gets too hostile or emotional, then she'll have to negotiate through lawyers. She offered to meet this Friday night, which is her weekend with the kids. Friday night? Yeah, right. I have plans. I told her that wouldn't work for me, and I offered Monday at lunchtime, blocking out my whole kid-free weekend. I also said I hoped to avoid lawyers, and that I have no anger or hostility about it since I've realized it is for the best.
No reply for a day, then this morning she said she doesn't want to meet in the middle of the day, and offered next Wednesday night. I said that might work for me, and that I'd let her know.
Feels good to put myself above all this, finally.
Going out with friends to a Halloween party on Friday, then my lady friend on Saturday. Sunday is football, Monday and Tuesday I have the kids. She can wait.
