Looking for help with WAW - 2

[mza8]

Found out that W filed for D. She wasted no time. No wonder she has been so quiet the past couple of weeks. Unbelievable that in her email two weeks ago she hoped I was having a good week and the very next week she files for D. That's cruel and sick. Who in their right mind acts this way? God forbid she wait until the house is sold before she filed. She is unbelievable.

I tried, I really did. I left her alone for the past several months, I asked her for nothing, I "manned-up" and took care of the house and selling it. I keep going back to my question of not understanding how she can just leave the M after 19 years together and not even try to see if we could work on things.

I have a lot of thinking to do on how to proceed with D. It was surreal to see the W v H on the complaint. I never ever thought I would be in an adversarial proceeding with my W. Quite a day.

[idontunderstand]

Sorry to hear the latest, mza8.

You/we can never understand how a spouse can just leave after x-amount of time. Don't even try.

I know you tried and you can't blame yourself for her actions. Be true to the person you have discovered you are and always strive to do the right thing. This is her choice and you can still show her the man you are by how you handle this.

It was surreal to see the W v H on the complaint. I never ever thought I would be in an adversarial proceeding with my W.

It is something none of us had ever imagined. You always knew this was a possibility and now it is a reality. It doesn't change what you should do. Stand up for yourself and your principles, don't be mean or vindictive and show her what she is missing.

You know with time you will be okay. Hang in there and good luck.

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear the bad news. But actually, what did you expect? She wanted to sell the house so she could move on. And that's what happened. She essentially used you to do the dirty work for her. You may not see it that way, but in the end, that's what happened.

Have you prepared yourself for D at all?

[mza8]

Hey IDU, thanks.

I knew this was a possibility. I have no idea how to show her the man I am now that she filed? Not sure if it really matters now? It seems very clear that she doesn't want me...she doesn't care what she's missing.

I've tried to put the blaming myself behind me but I still live with the regret. So much hurt.

I'm meeting with a few D lawyers this week. I have pretty much decided how I will proceed.

[idontunderstand]

No problem. Wish it hadn't come to this. We all know it's a possibility. There comes a time that we have to accept it.

I have no idea how to show her the man I am now that she filed? Not sure if it really matters now? It seems very clear that she doesn't want me...she doesn't care what she's missing.

You show her by agreeing with her. Stop fighting it, as hard as it is. You must accept it. You show her by being fine with it all, holding your head high, knowing you did everything you could to keep the M together. You faced your fears and mistakes and are a better person because of the introspection. You're right, she may not want you, but she will realize what she is missing. I know it doesn't help, but I think it's true.

I've tried to put the blaming myself behind me but I still live with the regret. So much hurt.

Yep, I know what you mean. You have to tell yourself that this is her choice. I'm sure there were many times you were mad at her a thought, "God, why did I marry this woman? She is driving me crazy!" You didn't leave. You stuck it out.

In the end, you can and will be proud of yourself for what you have done and who you have become. Take your time and embrace your (unwanted) freedom. Be strong and proud!

Keep us posted.

Good luck!

[mza8]

Hey Mr. B, thank you.

I guess I hoped that she would wait until the house was sold before filing for D. If the house sold I was going to suggest we take a break for 6 months or so before we did anything with D...to clear our minds since the financial stress would finally be over. After taking a long break we could talk and see if she still wanted the D or not. It's difficult to think clearly when under so much stress.

Yes, I do feel that she used me to sell the house. I think she used me for a lot of things. I am still the only one who maintains the house. She does not help at all. I think she stopped by two Sundays ago to get her mail but that was it. She's been silent the paast two weeks and now I know why.

I have prepared myself for D but I'm not sure how ready I am for it. Yesterday and today have been tough. Just when I was beginning to get myself into a better place mentally, I get hit with this news. It knocked me back. I find myself once again thinking of what went wrong with the M, analyzing what I didn't see and could have changed.

I still find it difficult to understand how easy this was for her to leave. How during the entire past year she never once approached me to talk about her reasons for leaving. I am still filled with the same questions today as the day she left. I think those unanswered questions are what's making it so difficult for me to move on. If I was a horrible person to her than I would understand her not wanting to talk to me. But I was a very loving H and I deserved better from her. This is hard.

[futureunknown]

I have prepared myself for D but I'm not sure how ready I am for it. Yesterday and today have been tough. Just when I was beginning to get myself into a better place mentally, I get hit with this news. It knocked me back. I find myself once again thinking of what went wrong with the M, analyzing what I didn't see and could have changed.

I still find it difficult to understand how easy this was for her to leave. How during the entire past year she never once approached me to talk about her reasons for leaving. I am still filled with the same questions today as the day she left. I think those unanswered questions are what's making it so difficult for me to move on. If I was a horrible person to her than I would understand her not wanting to talk to me. But I was a very loving H and I deserved better from her. This is hard.

mza8-

Consider the possibility that something insider HER is broken. That might make it easier to let it all go.

[mza8]

Thanks Future.

You're right, that is something to consider that it's something in her that is broken. I've taken this time to take a good look on the mirror at myself. I was a good H. I still believe this all came down to the financial issues. Since my W has never told me why she left I will have to assume it's because of the financial stuff. To me that's really sad...for her to leave and run because of money. How shallow is that? I have really opened my eyes to how my W has handled (or should I say not handled) things. She's not a strong person.

I at least feel good that I believe I did all I could do to save this M. I believe I handled this with honor and integrity. I do hope that one day my W realizes who she is and what she wants in life. I hope that she improves on the things she needs to work on. I think she has a lot of growing up to do. Not to sound condescending but she does need to work on some things on her end too. Perhaps the D will be what she needs to be free and clear her mind. Perhpas she will wake-up one day to realize what she threw away. She was a good person but has changed so much over the past year. Almost like she's trying to be someone she's not...fake.

[40andsadintexas]

My wife never gave me any concrete reasons either. I was a good husband and father also. My only advice is move on be the best dad you can be. Remember she has her reasons and to her they are real this does not have to be about you. I am now 5 months d Bomb and separation and getting better every day you will to. Life will go on in some ways it will be better some ways not but its life and all you can do is make the most of it.

[mza8]

Hi 40. Good to hear from you. I'll have to read up on your sitch. I can see from your signature that you've endured a lot. Is your D final? I'm sort of interested in those who did D if they still hear from their spouse?

My W and I have no children so at least that's one less thing to worry about. I'm actually kind of sad we don't have kids. I think we were probably close to having kids before we separated...at least I would have liked to.

My W and I have been separated for a year. Got the D bomb three weeks after she left. Tried to DB the best I could for the past year with some ups and downs. I have regained my confidence back. I have reached the point where I know I don't NEED my W but I still WANT my W. My W and I have been through a lot and I know it hurt her. She's unable to get past the hurt right now. If she ever wanted to work on things I know I probably would...wouldn't play any games. Sadly I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'll never say never because I've seen too many people get back together after a D but we'll see. In the meantime I'll continue to keep my changes going strong for me.

My W and I have been together since HS so I know that's made it more difficult for me to detach. We really didn't date too many other people before we got together. I'm not ready to date yet. It's not something I need for me. I'm sure one day I'll take the leap to date but I'll let it happen in time.

Isn't it odd that we don't always get solid reasons why they left? You would think our Ws would at least give us that much. I think my W isn't able to be honest with me for some reason as to why she left. Yes, her reasons are her reasons, whatever they are. I know I'm mindreading as to why she left but that's all I can go on as she didn't give me reasons. You are 100% correct that we must make the most of life. It's good to hear that you are getting better each day. I think we will all be ok in time.