Sorry to hear about the turn that your sitch has taken Future. I don't think all hope is lost for your W but she really needs to left alone for awhile. I have not had to deal with my X coming back and then leaving again but I can sure imagine how frustrating that would be!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Thanks v1olin. I really blew it, but I learned, so that's ok. On the [--edited by dbmod: advertising], there is a list of things the wayward spouse needs to do in order to successfully reconcile:
1. Be totally honest with you about everything (She was honest, I'll give her that) 2. Answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. (Nope) 3. Do everything in her power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. (Not even close) 4. Prove her love to you...she must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. (Not even close) 5. Feel your pain. (Not even close, whenever she got close to it, she blamed me) 6. Fully understand the devastation she caused you. (I wish) 7. Accept full responsibility for her actions. (Not even close) 8. Stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them. (Nope) 9. Reassure you that it is OK to ask questions. (She often led with "I know this will hurt you") 10. Reassure you that you will not drive her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. (She bolted as soon as I showed her even a glimmer of what I needed) 11. Recognize when you're struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. (She did actually try this a little, and I appreciated it) 12. Be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. (Tell yes, show no) 13. Reinforce to you, that you are not responsible. (Just the opposite, although I do see glimmers of self loathing in her) 14. Put her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. (Is this a joke? She effectively said she doesn't want to try to reconcile UNTIL I've fully healed) 15. Reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. (Ah... no) 16. Work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. (Not near enough) 17. Be willing to seek counseling. (She is in counseling, and it is helping)
So she got couple full yes's, and a couple halves, out of 17. Not too good.
I agree this might not be over yet, and I agree I do need to leave her alone. If and when she indicates she wants to try again, and if I'm in any way available and open to it, I'll have to see 17/17 before I drop my guard again.
Truthfully, I'm glad to be away from her, because I really am having quite a bit of fun, and the thought of getting back into it with her just isn't very appealing right now. We'll see how I feel as time goes by. Right now I want to explore other options.
1. Be totally honest with you about everything (She was honest, I'll give her that) 2. Answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. (Nope)
Nope she wasn't and has never been totally honest. You are only fooling yourself if you think so.
Your observation and comment on number two only proves that she hasn't been totally honest. If she hasn't answered every question you ask her truthfully then there is NO WAY and it is not possible that she has been totally honest.
I guess I'll re-phrase to say I was surprised how honest she was. Like I said before, she could have easily just lied to me and deceptively appeared to have more of those 17 covered.
It's hard for me to separate what I know from intel I got and what she has told me. The intel "fills in the blanks". I have a very clear picture of all that happened, and I've been surprised how what she says matches that. I keep waiting for her to say something that contradicts what I know, and catch her in an obvious manipulative lie, and she hasn't done it, yet.
gucci, I've been thinking about something you wrote on here a while back, about how I continue to want someone who doesn't want me. I believe the word you used was "fascinating" (who are you? Spock?) I've realized why that doesn't ring true inside me. It's not HER I want, at least not necessarily. What I want is a successful marriage and a happy fulfilling family life with my wife and kids. THAT's what I've been pursuing, NOT her. I don't pine for her, I have a great time in the company of other women. BUT, she is the one that brings the marriage and family package to me, and that's why I have so reluctant to let her go.
I'm also realizing why my sitch has been confusing for me, and apparently others here on the board. My W, by her actions, makes me believe a softer approach will work. As I've said over and over, she's actually very pleasant and nice, usually respectful, fun, flirty, and likes to connect with me on a variety of topics. So I give her the benefit of the doubt, give her my kind and trusting side, and she responds by loosing attraction to me.
Taking a tough hard line with her feels wrong, given her pleasant demeanor toward me, but that's what works to make her really respect me and be attracted to me.
I think the right approach is actually not a "tough hard" line, but a "challenging" line, all the while remaining charming and mysterious. Truthfully, I'm exhausted by it all, and the attention of this other woman is refreshingly easy and fun.
My youngest is finally old enough to start skiing. I live in the north, and I'd like my kids to enjoy some of the winter activities. W has expressed the same desire. I want to sign up my kids for a ski package at one of the local ski facilities. I was hoping to do it on one of my weeknights that I have the kids, and we could make it a fun weekly activity. After school we'd head down to the ski mountain, let them take lessons, I could ski, we'd have dinner, etc.
Here is the problem. All the ski places around here only do lessons for young kids on the weekend. With our alternating weekend custody schedule, that means if I sign up the kids for skiing, W will have to be involved every other weekend. W already said she's up for helping, and pitching in for the cost of it, as long as it's at the ski place her friends have their kids in lessons at. She said I'd be welcome to come ski there and hang with the kids on her weekends, so I'd have to offer the same for her. It's not a big deal, but hardly the minimal contact I want.
For normal DBing, this would be great. A chance for us to have fun, and bond, and theoretically improve our relationship. Unfortunately, my W has shown me over and over that these sorts of things mean nothing to her in terms of how she feels about me, and giving her this will just reinforce that view. Another chance for her to cake eat is all it'll be.
So I'm stuck. If I want to have fun skiing with my kids, I have to do it with W. I suppose I could just tell her when and where to bring the kids on her weekends, and not go and ski myself, and request she do the same on my weekends. Of course even on my weekends the kids will be hanging with HER friends' kids, and I'll have to interact with them, even if W isn't there. Ugh.
I don't want to sound petty, but I just don't want her all intertwined in my life.
My youngest is finally old enough to start skiing. I live in the north, and I'd like my kids to enjoy some of the winter activities. W has expressed the same desire. I want to sign up my kids for a ski package at one of the local ski facilities. I was hoping to do it on one of my weeknights that I have the kids, and we could make it a fun weekly activity. After school we'd head down to the ski mountain, let them take lessons, I could ski, we'd have dinner, etc.
Here is the problem. All the ski places around here only do lessons for young kids on the weekend. With our alternating weekend custody schedule, that means if I sign up the kids for skiing, W will have to be involved every other weekend. W already said she's up for helping, and pitching in for the cost of it, as long as it's at the ski place her friends have their kids in lessons at. She said I'd be welcome to come ski there and hang with the kids on her weekends, so I'd have to offer the same for her. It's not a big deal, but hardly the minimal contact I want.
For normal DBing, this would be great. A chance for us to have fun, and bond, and theoretically improve our relationship. Unfortunately, my W has shown me over and over that these sorts of things mean nothing to her in terms of how she feels about me, and giving her this will just reinforce that view. Another chance for her to cake eat is all it'll be.
So I'm stuck. If I want to have fun skiing with my kids, I have to do it with W. I suppose I could just tell her when and where to bring the kids on her weekends, and not go and ski myself, and request she do the same on my weekends. Of course even on my weekends the kids will be hanging with HER friends' kids, and I'll have to interact with them, even if W isn't there. Ugh.
I don't want to sound petty, but I just don't want her all intertwined in my life.
Comment? Suggestions?
Once you had kids, you forged that permanent bond, you will be in each other's lives forever with regards to your children.
You are fighting against reality, and if reality always win, you are fighting a losing battle.
If minimizing contact between the two of you is your personal goal, the kids can still ski, there's no guarantee that the kids will always hang out with the other kids and if they do, big deal, they are kids, let them be kids, they have had their fill of the issues between your wife and yourself. Allow them to relax and enjoy skiing without worrying about your struggles.
When your wife has them on her weekend, stay away, when you have them on your weekend, well hey, its your weekend, do as you will. If the kids hanging out with their friends is an issue in that it takes time away from you, enlist a friend to go skiing with you, this isn't an impossible situation, you can make it work. If the wife asks if she can join you guys on your weekend, don't feel bad about saying no. It's very easy to say "hey it's my weekend, I wouldn't mind some time away from us, we get enough shared time with regards to the kids, I would like to make these weekends that I have the kids, my personal time with them and I'd appreciate it if you respect that. I promise to do the same with your weekends. This is what I want - I hope you can understand that."
If she gets crazy and argumentative, you can just tell her "this is why I want my weekends to myself and the kids and don't want you there, I don't want any of ..... THIS."
and that's it.
Don't make it harder than it has to be, otherwise it's just a lot of wasted effort on your part.
I would never put any of this on the kids. I just want to have a weekly skiing with my kids, and because of the lesson schedule, it can't happen. Sucks. Once they know how to ski, we can do it on one of my regular weeknights with them.
I'm free to do what I want, so I don't feel like I'm fighting reality. I just have to make a choice I don't like.
As for the meaning of "being in each others lives forever", that can be very minimal. Other than a few minutes per week during child transition, there's no reason for us to see each other.
Quote:
When your wife has them on her weekend, stay away, when you have them on your weekend, well hey, its your weekend, do as you will. If the kids hanging out with their friends is an issue in that it takes time away from you, enlist a friend to go skiing with you, this isn't an impossible situation, you can make it work. If the wife asks if she can join you guys on your weekend, don't feel bad about saying no. It's very easy to say "hey it's my weekend, I wouldn't mind some time away from us, we get enough shared time with regards to the kids, I would like to make these weekends that I have the kids, my personal time with them and I'd appreciate it if you respect that. I promise to do the same with your weekends. This is what I want - I hope you can understand that."
If she gets crazy and argumentative, you can just tell her "this is why I want my weekends to myself and the kids and don't want you there, I don't want any of ..... THIS."
We have NO time with us, so I certainly have no need to request less. If I ask her not to be there on my weeks, she'll respect my wishes without argument, or she'll happily accept my offer for us to do it together. I need to decide between skiing every other week with my kids, or skiing every week and including W. If I had any belief that it would help mend our relationship, I'd maybe feel differently, but she's clearly shown me how lopsided we are in terms of valuing fun family times.
do it for your kids this is temporary and your kid will always know how to ski, so down the road you will have many fun times skiing with your kids.
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
