Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[Edmond Dantes]

Why do you feel moving back into the house was manipulating her?

[HopelessInLove]

I agreed with her that it could be viewed by her as manipulative, I did not see it that way. I wanted to be back in the house with my kids. She had not wanted me back into the house before. I told her I would give her time, but I wanted to move back into house because of the kids. I gave her time, talked to L and did not want to lose rights to my kids. Manipulate her? Not to make her want me or make her choose or to get power over her. Kids, yes.

[Edmond Dantes]

I see. I don't think acknowledging her feelings requires you to agree with her on a point like that though. I might have gone with 'I'm sorry you feel that was manipulative' on that one. It's your house also.

[HopelessInLove]

W went to see L this morning.

W talked of relationship again last night. She to me is so on the fence with her feelings. She tells me that she is trying to get an objective opinion of what she feels about me, prays about it, and tries to see how I am to her. Her anger has now turned into sadness about the relationship. I am detaching from her but am wondering what she wants me to do for our relationship. Can I ask her? Should I attempt to do things for the R?

At this point the more I think I am detaching the more she tells me that she feels like I don't want the R/M to work or that I care.

[sandi2]

Have you ever asked what she wanted from you in the R? Maybe she has expressed it in the past but you didn't hear her?

[HopelessInLove]

Sandi2,

Yes, I have asked. Lately, she wants everything in the R and M to be different. W states that she loves the kids but this was not the life that she wanted. She tries to be this constant professional and wants to be social, being with people, going out, having little responsabillity.
She wanted me to pay attention to her, ie dates, doing things together, me complimenting her on her looks or things she has done like her cooking or planning events. I know that was what she wanted. In the last 2 years of our M she basically checked out of us. That was after our 3 child. I know I have made a conscience effort to be that support. Her responses were harsh to me, for instance "you have to say those things because you are my husband." My response would be, no that is what I truly think of you.

I have thrown compliments to her in the last several weeks, and she does not acknowledge or she gives me response of, "no I am not I gained 5 lbs. so I don't..." My response is, that is how I feel you look so that is all that matters to me.

I had a movie that I wanted to watch on Saturday. She was at school doing work. I texted her that I was going to watch this movie and asked if she was interested. It was 9 pm and her response was not yes or no that she would, but would be there another hour. I told her that I had things to do myself and would wait until she returned. W got home around 10 pm, and stated why did I wait for her?

I have heard her and maybe the effort I am putting in or did put in just really did not matter to her because of checking out or OM. IDK. Maybe the life she did want has not involved me, because I am just strong willed like she is. I was the guy who agreed with everything she said and was the "puppy" in the R, for a while now I have spoken up. I do not want people to walk all over me, and that even means W.

I am putting effort, but keeping in mind detaching and GAL.

I guess though at this point it could not hurt to ask her directly what I could do for our R, and that would tell me if I am way off the mark with my efforts.

[HopelessInLove]

W talked about forgiveness and how she has to be able to forgive me and herself. W states she may never be able to forgive herself for what she has allowed to be done to her. Eluding to her life and how it was not how she wanted it, she was forced into it and she allowed it. Just thinking out loud, maybe forgiveness is about allowing OM into her heart and not fighting it. IDK.

I am trying to find little pearls of hope and build off of it. She may never look back, though. I will be fine if she does not come back, I know that, but it still hurts.

[Truegritter]

W states she may never be able to forgive herself for what she has allowed to be done to her. Eluding to her life and how it was not how she wanted it,

This sounds like a victim to me...

She doesn't control her actions and her decisions? And the consequences?

Why?

Has she had something happen to her HIL?

Just thinking out loud, maybe forgiveness is about allowing OM into her heart and not fighting it. IDK.

No you don't know so it will not serve you to be guessing what SHE is thinking.

Even if she tells you.

She sounds very confused.

[HopelessInLove]

There were things that happened in her childhood. Tramatic? IMO, yes. She has told me and the MC that she has no problems now because of it.
She also has a very controlling father. Impacting her childhood also? IMO, yes.
My family and how they try to control me and my M probably has also impacted her.
Me trying to get through to her my needs after sometime in the R, after we started to have problems. In arguments I asked if we were headed for divorce because she would not try C, beacuse of problems. Did this impact her? Yes.

Is she a victim?
I would say yes to some of those things.

But all of these events have impacted her.

[HopelessInLove]

TG,

She is confused.