Wife is cheating, am sad but confused?

[HopelessInLove]

I thought I had a small break through today with W. I was passing her in the hallway while getting dressed and she stopped and talked about her workout with me. She rearly has spoken to me about that. I talked with her for a couple minutes and then she continued through to the bathroom to get ready for work.

Later in the morning she was getting D ready for her Halloween parade for school when she need take care of a hair-peice. She walked fout of the bathroom and stopped right next to me and said something to the effect of breaking it off. I thought she was talking to me and I commented that she needed to cut it off because there was a wire in it. She made a smart remark and said she did not address me. 2 nights ago I was getting my hair cut and she came in, started talking to me, and then had her attention pulled elsewhere to talk to someone. When done with that converstion she continued talking to me, but I was not looking at her so could not tell she was starting our converstion back up. when she was done and waiting she asked me to respond. I asked her to address me because I did not know she was talking to me again. I later apologized and she accepted.

Am I reading into things again? Is it typical to back slide?

I have been doing well for the most part at detaching.

It was difficult last night though. I was cleaning up things in my basement and found a shoe box of letters we wrote back in college. That riped me appart.

Anyway will continue to detach and work on myself. I am generally starting to feel better about myself and the things going on around me that I can control. W is not one of them and I will not try. This has been a problem for her, and she is tired of giving into me with control. I tell her that I don't try and control her. She has said I have expectations! Well maybe I need to expect her to D me. Just thinking.

[g450]

Seems to me you are mind reading her. Dont do that. It wont get you anywhere.

It also sounds to me like the both of you are the kind of people who do not look at you when you talk to you. Am I right?

It's just me but I consider this to be extremely rude and could account to your and / or her communication problems with each other.

A little common courtesy goes a long way.

For example, if somebody calls ME on the phone and then proceeds to talk to another person on their end as if I did not exist, I will simply hang up on them. I don't have time to play games like that. My time is valuable and if you want to talk to me then do it or write me a post card. No games.

Just my two cents.

[HopelessInLove]

I was just at soccer practice with son watching D play. W is a coach. She mention OM, when I was present. I was so angry. W saw me glare at her and wanted to talk about it. I told her that she knows my feeling about her and OM. W- he is only a friend.

I want to know if I should set my boundary tonight?


About not living in an open marriage and she needs to decide tonight whether she wants to stay in our M without OM or leave our house tonight. She new that I did not want her continuing to talk to him, this from back in June. Should I do this tonight???

[Grocerykartman]

Well, I'm responding late in the evening here, so your night obviously went however it went.

Don't mean to hit you with a 2x4 here, but look at what you just asked a board of essentially total strangers. You asked should I set a boundary about OM?

OF COURSE! Why would anyone tell you not to and that hey, it's ok, continue to allow her to have this "just a friend" when you already know he's not. You're not stupid, you know when someone is JAF and when someone is moving in on your wife and she's allowing it.

So set your boundary ASAP and STOP worrying about her response. I know you're afraid you're going to lose her somehow, but you already have. You have! Otherwise there would be NO OM. I mean this nicely, but aren't you sick and tired of this already? Everyone has the end of their rope. You have continued to find more and more rope than many people my friend.

Set your boundary! If you didn't have kids, would you ever tolerate this? These little exchanges you have with her, the glaring on your part and the "he's just a friend" on her part are wasting your time. You need to calmly, confidently, and with no wavering whatosever say, "I'm not going to live in an open marriage. I don't care if you just call him a friend, his presence bothers me and I will not tolerate it." Then just move on and detach, since she WILL almost certainly continue to see OM. There's nothing you can do about that either, you have to let her relationship with him run its course. Your only chance is to set her free, which may only possibly get him out of her system over the long run.

Right now, she simply can't believe you'd continue to argue and bicker with her about this...after all, would you respect someone who kept sulking at you and trying to make you feel guilty if you had an affair? Of course not, you'd only possibly raise an eyebrow if they actually stood up for themselves and left. That's why you have to set your boundary. I know it seems like things could get a lot worse, but, ask yourself, really, how could they? Is the exchange you had with your W tonight anywhere near a healthy relationship?

Don't waste another minute of your precious time arguing with her about OM, his level of "friendship", etc. It is time that could be better spent improving YOU. Again, don't worry about her response...your question permeates a very worried state of mind vs. a detached one.

[HopelessInLove]

Thanks for the response GKM,

I talked to wife in a calm voice about OM, set a boundary with her on subject, and told her I will not live in an open marriage. Everything seemed to go well with our conversation. We spent over 2 hours talking and went over a lot of issues. The first serious talk we have had.

W and I before OM entered picture were having trust issues from both sides. We discussed this topic and our lack of comunication for the most part. It was an eye opener to me to see where she was coming from. I know that she got where I was at. She even apologized.

I know she is seeing my changes. She said some make her scared. I have done the quiet and controlled guy in the past, but after a period of time I can't keep it bottled up and I explode. I know that this needs to be a 180. I must talk to her before I blow my lid. She thinks that I could go off the deep end at any moment. I need to have a goal of talking to her when it counts and not stopping my conversation with her.

I feel I am in a different place this morning. A good place. A place were I can build. I don't know what is in her heart about our R/M, and I know I need to let her find her way. This is my chance to be that man I should have been. Her interactions this morning with me were different, too, in a good way.

Thanks for the support and encouragement.

[gutwrenching]

Be prepared, mentally/emotionally, for a serious pullback or for her to go deeper undercover. I hope not, but don't want to see you unprepared.

You probably shocked her by standing up for yourself and setting a boundary. She respected it so much, she talked to you. That is good.

However, now chances are high she'll talk to OM again. She will continue with the addiction. She could run back to him or plot on how to keep it more of a secret caue HIL is not playing games any longer.

Why do I say this...cause I saw both happen to me after I gave W the stop, he's more than a friend, I won't live in an open M speech. We talked/communicated for a few hours...then a huge pullback and anger. Then as I much later learned, they went deep undercover and I didn't see it...

[HopelessInLove]

I know that there is that possiblity. I did confront the first time I suspected a EA with OM. I told her that I wanted it to stop. She said she respected that at first but then when I left the house OM started to check up on W. This is when it went deeper undercover. I set the boundary of W having to leave if I find out she continues with OM. I know that I cannot be naive to the fact W and OM may go deeper, but that will be her choice to end our marriage that way.

Thanks for the warning. I will trust 50% of what she does and 0% of what she tells me. I will detach from her emotionally, and work on myself.

Anything else I should be thinking about?

[HopelessInLove]

GW,

I was reading your original thread. Is there anything you would have done differently in the beginning of your sitch? I think I am at the beginning of the road and want to make sure I am doing everything possible but the right way. I know every sitch is different but we can all learn from each others mistakes.

[gutwrenching]

I would have probably told OM's W about their EA

I wouldn't have been so naive about the probability they went deeper undercover

I would have gained self respect sooner

I would have done less self analyzing

I wouldn't have gone melty man at first or second offer to try to reconcile

I would have allowed much less cake eating

I wouldn't have allowed myself to think my situation was unique, it clouded my judgement a little

I would have demanded transparency at attempts to try

[HopelessInLove]

it has been an interesting 2 days. She has been hot and cold to me but no surprise there.

She has been saying that for a while now I have completely different that the person she has known for 17 years. W- your personality is 180 degree different than who I was. I would think one should be happy with wanting to be happy and smiling and keeping there temper under check. Thank you to who ever recommended N.U.T.s to me!

I know that my changes are at least getting noticed by her, I feel a hell of a lot better, I am enjoying my kids more and learning how to get through to them without as much harsh discipline.

She has been a little bit more willing to tell me what is bothering her. But as soon as she is nice to me, a few minutes later she backlashes.

Goal: Detach! Check!!! But will continue.

I have not mentioned anything yet of transparency with info on OM and her. I have not check what is going on with her and OM. Should I pry?