Me 40 Wife 37 D7 S4 Married 10years Together 14years
Into our marriage especially after having children we seemed to be having less sex and my wife would not initiate sex with me, i complained alot about this and told her some nasty things like i would divorce her or go find it somewhere else.
My wife would ask me to go do things with her but i never felt like she was proud of me, she seldom introduced me to people and never showed any effection towards me, so basically we stopeed doing things together.
So about a year ago i noticed she was acting different and treating me much differently, i asked her several times what was wrong and she said nothing, we were out of town with our children and she was texting constantly, this is also the time where she started Facebook, she went out to the car for about and hour and a half while we were at a hotel, i asked her what was going on and she said she was talking to her brother.
We arrived home and she went out to her car and was on the phone, i asked her who it was and she said no one, found out she had been talking and texting to a male friend from college that she had not stayed in contact with while we were together, he was going through a divorce. She said our problems had nothing to do with him and they were just friends, later on i found out she had seen him while she was out of town, and she said he made her feel attractive and made her feel good, this whole time i gave her ultimatums to stop with him. One night after she had gone to the bar i found a text on her phone that they had talked about a movie and things were texted back, i love you, sex, and i will make it worth your while.
i confronted her about it and she said it was a joke, i left the house and she texted me, i told her it stops and she is not to see him again even though he lives about 13 hours away. She said she would. I found out later that he was in town and they saw each other but were not out together.
We started MC and things were getting better, but the counselor was not very good and sent us on our way, sex was great and almost all the time for about two months and then it just stopped, i continued to ask my wife about this guy all the time.
She started going out with these single women, and i told her i did not want her to, started coming home at 3:00am or later saying she was going to breakfast with them, later on i found out that these women were friends with this guy.
My wife told me she was going out of twon with these girls and i told her if she went i was leaving her, she seemed not to care.
When she returned i asked her if she had any pictures and she said she would try to send them to me, never did and i found pictures on her FB and he was there, they were not in any pictures together, later on i found out that there were four women, her brother and this guy stayed in the same motel room for three nights together. She said nothing happened.
Earlier on she took me off as friends with her on FB, took pictures of me off FB, got different email accounts and messenger accounts, eventually put a password on her phone, i had found his number on her cell several times under different names
My wife told me she still loved me but there was still something missing, we started going to another MC, who really came clean with both of us, told us we need to be a 100% transparent and secrets always come out. My wife needs to act like a married woman and i need to be the most important person, she did tell me the things i need to do like stop pursuing and focusing on my wife.
My wife started going out more and more with these women, i started getting madder each time. I have broken stuff punched holes in the wall, shook the bed with her in it because she would not talk to me, fought in front of my kids. I broke a glass cook top about two months ago and decided then my life needed to change, I started taking Celexa and have not had any meltdowns since then and called a DB coach.
Wife went out of town again with these girls, told me she was super stressed and had alot of anxiety, she told me women do this all the time and i said with our status right now i did not think it was a good idea.
The last 12 weeks my wife has been out at the bar or out of town, i told her the past couple weeks i was going to file, this past weekend i told her i was going Monday to file, she stayed out until 4:30am.
I continually ask her if there is someone else.
Last week i told her decide what she wanted, she could not tell me so i told her i would file, later on she said she wanted to seperate and nest with the children.
Occasionaly during these past twelve weeks i would not say anyhting to her or leave the house she would text me saying she was sorry, she felt so bad and she knew she was wrong, also sometimes she would come snuggle with me and say im sorry. This Sunday i decided to file on Monday, she laid in bed with me and snuggled, said i am sorry and started to cry i asked her why, she said things are so messed up, later on she held me for several minutes. I had planned to file today but hope something may have changed with her.
She thinks i am controlling, i though i was protecting my marriage. She says i dont want to be her friend, hard to when she is not transparent. Thinks something is menatlly wrong with me, dur. Says i dont want to do anything with her, well she does not want to be around me. Said i was gone hunting all the time, one day a weekend rarely two days.
In the past month she has stopped going to MC, i have continued. She did speak to the DB coach one time and forgot to call back the next time, I am continuing with the DB coach.
My moto is every weekend i hope it will be different, every Sunday i decide to go file.
There is so much i am missing but i thought i would at least get a start on it. In short i have made alot of improvements through my MC and DB coach, i cannot live in the same house with someone who cannot decide what they want, who is out at the bar all the time, who finds everything and everyone more important than me, who is not transparent. I cannot detatch unless i am gone.
Through my MC and DB coach about a month and half ago i stopped texting my wife, which has seemed to make little difference. I also started sleeping on the couch and basically stopped talking to her when she was at home because my wife wanted to seperate and needed space and had told me she does not want to be around me, now i am getting that i dont talk to her and never ask her to do anything.
About three months ago i was out at lunch with my friends and saw this guy was in town, my wife was suppose to go out that night and i confonted him, he said they were friends and nothing happened and he was not a home wrecker, i had told my wife if i ever saw him i would kill him, just me being mad but not serious. I actually talked to him calmly and told him that he and my wife had my life a living hell.
I may have not been everything to my wife but i think i have done more than most men do in a marriage, we equally shared responsibilites in the household and with our kids, i would clean house, pick up, do dishes, laundry, kids baths etc. I did not lounge around on weekends because i dont watch sports, i was there year round until hunting season which i only went one day a weekend for about three months usually getting home by 1:00pm the past two years. My wife had said something a couple years back about it and i told her i was going to go every weekend, this year i told her i was selfish and would not go every weekend.
Last night she was in our bed i decided to go in there and watch TV, she was on FB and texting the whole time, so i got up and told her i was going to lay on the couch and if she wanted me to sleep in the bed with her she could come tell me when she was ready to go to sleep, dont know if she ever came out there.
DB - Have you read DB? You have not been doing what is advised.
Go back and read the part about stop doing what doesnt work.
You have helped make your WAW into a "world-class caking eating champion". She has been lying from day1 and has lost all RESPECT for you because of you letting her get away with it all this time.
Go read Robs, Puppy's, Gucci's, Mcqueen's post on setting boundaries and letting go speeches.
The only thing you can do is STOP doing what has not been working. The Passive-agressive behavior is not working either and has added to her lack of RESPECT. You have to stop letting your emotions drive your actions. It's time to be RATIONAL and matter-of-fact. It's time for the "I'm not going to live in an open marriage and you need to move out speech..."
Yes i have read DB twice and have made some changes but i am not going to be the type of guy who detatches and just let her do whatever she wants with out any consequences, did that for to long with ultimatums that i made and never did
I told her i was going to file and i am waiting for a lawyer to call me back, i told her i would probably get temp custody of the kids and the house then she started telling me what kind of man would kick his wife out of the house and take the kids away, then she goes out and the next day is all boo hoo with me with hugs and Im sorry, keep it coming.
She equates my hunting as the same as her going to the bar or spending three days out of town partying with single women.
Double, you seem to be full of empty threats. I don't know how many times you have threatened to file D and not followed through, but just reading your sitch, it seems like it has been alot. What other things in your life have you made these empty ultimatums with toward your W? She has no respect toward you, because you seem to have no respect for yourself. It is unattractive to her. You need to set some serious boundaries, and follow through on them. "W, if you do this, then this will happen" Not an ultimatum, a serious consequence. Who pays for the phone that she is using to text this OM? If it is you, then turn it off. Where is her money coming from that is allowing her to go out of town with him? Not from your family fund, is it? Establish boundaries and follow through. Shock
I'm sorry DB. I dont understand what you mean by "i am not going to be the type of guy who detatches and just let her do whatever she wants with out any consequences"
Where in my post did I say this?
I am saying that this IS the type of guy you have been based on what you wrote in your post and it is obviously not working.
You asre absolutely right that by you not following thru with your boundaries YOU have helped create this situation.
Regardless, of how things have gone before. It is time for you to truly DETACH and let her go do whatever she wants to do knowing fully well that you will not support her or any of her choices. You have to DETACH which means you have to stop caring what she thinks or does. You have to stop making threats. You have to set boundaries and stick to them. You have to make a list of short and long term goals for yourself and FOLLOW THRU with them.
You have to stop the passive-aggressive behavior and starting thinking RATIONALLY about YOUR future for you and the kids.
I agree. Get a lawyer. File for D. Get a solid custody agreement in place. Then back off and get on with your life. She wont even begin to work on herself until she feels that you are no longer available and an option in her life.
THIS NOW!!!!! I agree. Get a lawyer. File for D. Get a solid custody agreement in place. Then back off and get on with your life. She wont even begin to work on herself until she feels that you are no longer available and an option in her life.
Cut off the phone, internet, all forms of communication that you pay for that enable her affair.
You need to say: "Wife, I will not live in an open marriage, I respect myself too much for that, either cease all contact with OM and commit to our relationship with counseling or move out."
THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. You threaten, but don't act. You allow your wife to cake eat, and monumentally disrespect you and your marriage. Action = respect. You need to stand up for yourself. You are being played!!!
In a nutshell since Saturday when i found out that she was going out i had left the house to calm down, this was Halloween for our town and she said i was punishing the kids for her actions, i told her this is how holidays will be when were divorced and she said we can be mature about the holidays and both be there even if we are divorced. I did come home and we did argue and it did happen in front of the kids, i even told my kids we are going to be a different family and aksed my daughter if she knew what her mom had been doing the past three months (Very wrong of Me). I did tell my wife that night i would file on Monday. Sunday morning she tells me she is sorry, starts crying is all huggy with me that day.
Monday i ask her if she is willing to work on the marriage, she says i have been for a year and i hurt her deeply how i spoke in front of the kids. I told her her behavior was not acceptable and i would no longer accept it, she told me she is not going out to the bar anymore, but not sure if that will fix anything between us, she said it caused to many problems by her going to the bar and she was better than that.
I also asked her if she is willing to talk to someone again and she does not want to, asked her if she is going to be transparent with her phone and FB and she said she does not want me looking at her stuff all the time and making comments about it, cannot remember exactly what was said. I really believe she is not willing to do this because she thinks i will have gained control of her and got what i want.
I did tell her i had contacted a lawyer and she seemed suprised and wanted to know why.
I do not think there was any PA between her and this other guy, just someone for her to talk to and swap how bad their partners had been to them.
I believe your wife has an affair. Whether it is a PA or an EA is irrelevant. It matters to husbands but as far as I am concerned an EA is the most dangerous one for us women.
Your threats about filing sound...silly to me. And I am being nice to you right now. I would have no respect for a man that constantly threatens to divorce that I could manipulate with a few tears. Man up!
Your wife has been spending time with a group of people/women that are not friends of your marriage.
You have been letting her do her own thing with APSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES. You are becoming a doormat because of fear.
You are hurting your kids. You have NO excuse about what you did.
You are ruining your chances to save your marriage.
Read other people's threads and learn. Your story is very common. Stay calm. This is time for your brain to take over, not your emotions. She is still attached to you. Use the time wisely. Good luck K
