Looking for help with WAW - 2

[Piano]

I also haven't had an explanation. 15 years, a baby on the way... My WH said while I was pregnant "It wasn't the time or the place to talk" about what had happened. After our baby was born, it still wasn't the "time or the place". Then he left to live abroad with OW. No explanation is really difficult because you start to think how horrible can I be for him/her not to be able to even SAY what was wrong. But you have to tell yourself that they are confused, they are going by feelings, not 'reasons'. They are broken. I think we need to give ourselves closure. I think if my WH came to me now and wanted to discuss what happened, I would not want to know anymore... Too much pain. I don't want to relive the past year again.
Coming up to a year since Bomb this Christmas, and only now do I know I can live without WH...but I still would prefer to be with him.
I understand why you say you would like to have had kids...sometimes I think my little girl arrived to look after ME! and I feel I now have the best part of WH. But it's much easier to detach if you don't have to discuss kids for the rest of your lives.

[mza8]

Piano, I'm so sorry to hear about your sitch. I'm guessing maybe the reason your H didn't want to talk about it was because of the OW? Maybe that was his reason and he didn't want to admit it? Either way, yes, it is hard not to know the reasons...or to at least hear it straight from them.

I agree with you, I can live without my W but would prefer to be with her. It's funny about the kids thing with us. For most of the R I didn't want kids. W's sister has two young kids and they really grew on me. I wanted to have children of our own. W and I would have been great parents together. My W always wanted kids but the last year of M she said she wasn't so sure. Guess I should have been more observant on that one. Looking back I now see some signs that I missed. I remember us driving to the airport for the vacation we took just 5 weeks before she left. She got upset with herself because she left her wedding ring at home. She got really weird about it now that I think back on it. Sort of panicky and sad that she "claimed" she forgot it. Maybe she honestly did forget it and then again maybe not. That whole vacation thing is something I'll never quite understand anyway. How she wanted to go on vacation together so bad and then leaves 5 weeks later. Has me scratching my head on that one.

Yeah, maybe they are the ones broken. Maybe they are just acting on their feelings. Either way it's still difficult for us because they still have decided not to be with us. My W is classic avoidance of any problems. She's buried her head in the sand with so many other things I guess she figures she'll bury her head in the sand with the M and D too...take the easy way out, make no effort.

What's confusing to me about them being broken is how then can they carry on so easily with dating, acting as if nothing bothers them about the D, and they are so care free? Yes, I know the standard answer that they have detached, moved on, etc. However, I still don't get it completely. Maybe the answer is just that simple that they are broken and there's nothing to make sense of? I don't know. Maybe I'm searching for answers from my W to questions that really don't have any answers...or at least she can't give me any good logical answers, just her feelings/emotions. All I know is that if she would have given me some answers I might have been able to make sense of all of this and make the D process easier for both of us. I suppose I'll need to continue to work on my own closure even though my gut tells me this is a waste of a good M.

[mza8]

Coach, just wanted to ask your opinion of what to do now? This D info is still sort of raw in my mind right now and I'm faced with many decisions to make/how to proceed. I have options but not sure which road to take. Does it matter how I decide to handle this? Does it make a difference with W down the road?

W had asked me before to meet with her L and her to discuss S agreement. I never did. Now that she filed I'm thinking of calling W and seeing if she wants to meet (just her and I, no lawyers) to discuss division of things, etc. and see what she wants and tell her what I want with division. Not sure how that would go though. We really don't have much to divide and don't really need a L to do so.

The reason I ask this is because if how I handle this might leave things on a positive note then who knows what might happen with W and I down the road. If it really doesn't matter then I could go a different way. Hope I didn't confuse you the way I asked this but I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say. She has said to me several times that she doesn't know how she might feel down the road. If there's any truth to that then it could change how I handle this D. So many other questions for me about how long, if I'll even want it then, etc. etc...but one thing at a time. I need to focus on handling this issue for now. I'm just a little confused right now how to handle this D. Thanks.

[futureunknown]

One piece of advice. Do NOT compromise your position in the divorce in the hopes it will put you in a better position to reconcile at some later time, and do NOT let her use that as leverage on you. Assume this is it, and whatever you agree to in the divorce is what you'll have to live with, forever. No need to be nasty or angry. At this point, it's just business.

[mza8]

One piece of advice. Do NOT compromise your position in the divorce in the hopes it will put you in a better position to reconcile at some later time

I guess that was my question. Yes, that's pretty much my thinking too. Thanks again Future. I think she might see it as me being nasty and vindictive but that's not it at all...like you said, it's just business. As I told her before, I can separate the business of D from the R. I could still go through this D process and want to keep the door open for the R.

[futureunknown]

One sixth of divorced people who get married again remarry their previous spouse.

[mza8]

One sixth of divorced people who get married again remarry their previous spouse.

I think I remember reading that somewhere too. Do you remember where you read that?

[futureunknown]

It was back a couple years ago when my sitch started. Can't remember where. Not important. Realizing that divorce doesn't necessarily have to be the permanent end of a relationship can maybe help easy the ugly legal process.

[mza8]

Yeah, I think MWD said that 10% remarry their ex, but I understand what you're saying. Thanks.

[40andsadintexas]

Do not meet with your wife and her L under any circumstances, you will get hosed
My wife tried to get me to go this rout do not do it get your own lawyer you can not get any thing that even resembles a fair settlement using her lawyer. I might suggest that you countersue so you can make demands the same as your wife. Just answering her claim does not give you the right to make demands (at least in Texas). Counter filing takes some of her power away and I think most WAW are on a power trip. Quit worrying about what she thinks and how to roll over and play dead to get her back this NEVER works. Start thinking about what’s best for you!!!!!!!!