Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

Listen to what she is telling you:

"Do you have any idea what it is like to feel like you are absolutely everything to someone? It's suffocating. I've tried (many times) to express to you how hard it is for me to discern how I really feel from how I (and you) think I should feel. mindreading I can't see the forest for the trees. It's like you just wanted is that what you wanted or intended? to keep plowing ahead through a snowbank that is completely frozen and all you're doing is packing the snow harder. PRESSURE Sometimes you have to give it time to thaw before you can start again." What does that mean to her?

She is giving you what you want. She is dying for you to see it. (not mind reading - it's the cat whisperer in me)

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

I have boundaries in all of my relationships - marriage, parent, son, professional, coaching, and teaching. Doesn't make them parental.

It's not controlling to say to someone your behavior is causing problems and if it doesn't change it will effect our relationship. I am not trying to change them, it's their choice how they behave.

The added benefit as a man is that women really respect you and are attracted to men who know who they are. She wants to know what you think and believe not what you need. A woman doesn't want someone else who has needs she is supposed to take care of. Women are keenly aware of when they are behaving badly. They love a strong man who can call them out on it. Ask around and watch other relationships.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

she can say a lot in a short time.

(Weak smile). Yah. My H has mentioned similar things about me. It's NOT that you're not the 'sharpest knife in the drawer.' You're just fine. I think that a lot of us women do this because talking is how we process what we're thinking and feeling. Often I'm not sure of my own feelings and thoughts until I can talk them out with my H or a friend.

It was the fact that she was really clear in what she was saying, and I could actually understand her....

I think that you could really use this fact in future discussions with her. When you feel yourself wanting to invalidate, rather than giving in to it, ASK her if she could clarify what she's saying. Let her know that you're not understanding her but that you really want to (which, incidentally is a very validating thing to say!) That might help get you both into a more compassionate place so that you CAN validate and keep the conversation moving forward.

PS - That brings me back to the point above - if you're the one who's asking her to clarify what she's saying, that will help her out to b/c it will help her sort out what she's thinking and feeling. It's very connecting for a woman, to feel that assistance coming from her H.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

I hope every person reading this understands why Robx recommends the words below, why it is important to say them with conviction and in person, and the reasons why it works:

"Wife I've listened to you, I'm thinking separation is a good idea and moving apart and living separately is a good idea but I've changed my mind, I like our home, I want you to move out, it seems only fair considering the fact that you've been unhappy and wanted out for so long, I won't hold you back, I'll help you pack and move. I've made up my mind, this is what I want, I want you to leave."

My two cents, never move out when a spouse wants out of the marriage, if she wants out so badly, let her find her own way, all you're doing now is enabling her at your expense, what goal does that serve, what benefit is achieved by this?

You want to GAL, great, do it while living in your own home.

Bro, in my own sitch, my wife asked me to move out and I did it, hoping that she would see how dedicated I was to her and our relationship/marriage - it did not help anything. In fact once I moved out, she became horrible and increasingly disrespectful to me, however she is now, expect her to be several times worse towards you as she gets used to a great life with out you.

When did my situation change?
When I moved back home.
When I said enough is enough.
When I told her that if she wants out of this marriage so much, that she can move out, she can file for divorce and I will sign any divorce or separation document she throws in front of me because I was tired of the whole situation and wanted it to be over soon. I then proceed to box her stuff up, loaded up her van and sent her to live with her parents. I then filed for joint custody of our children and i got it. I then limited my interactions with her, while living in MY OWN HOME with my children. I found my friends again, I got involved in sports, the gym, my work, my children, you name it, I was too busy.

As for her, having to fend for herself and take care of herself without me being there to be her safe cushion to fall on and rely on was the wake up call. She wanted out so badly, I showed her the door literally, I gave up, I assumed it was over, I stopped caring, what finally stuck in my head was that I was putting her on a pedestal, thinking that if I continued to show her I would give her the world if she only gave me a chance that it was the wrong thing to do. You need to let go of someone who doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you, not feed them, clothe them, house them and make agreements not to date others, blah, blah, blah.

You drop the rope, cut the rope, throw the rope out the goddamn window and assume married life is over and move on, that is what works more times than any other method here.

Guaranteed?

No.

But nothing is guaranteed.

Would I employ the same method again instead of wasting time doing other things?

You KNOW it!

Do what works, not what you feel you should do because you think you are listening to her.

You really want to listen to her?
"Wife I've listened to you, I'm thinking separation is a good idea and moving apart and living separately is a good idea but I've changed my mind, I like our home, I want you to move out, it seems only fair considering the fact that you've been unhappy and wanted out for so long, I won't hold you back, I'll help you pack and move. I've made up my mind, this is what I want, I want you to leave."


Regardless of her reaction and what she says,
she will get it, she will finally see that you understand, not only that, she'll fight moving out more times than not, because in her mind, the idea will be triggered that you've finally realized your personal value, and it's important that this concept is communicated. Right now you're communicating that you have no value and you should be the one to move out and make everyone else happy. Wrong move. You should have the "awakening", you should be the one to realize that you shouldn't move out if you're not the one asking for a divorce and uttering crap like "I can't love you the way a wife should love a husband" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "us getting married wasn't a good decision", etc.

Just because they follow their script, doesn't mean you have to follow their script and listen to what they want you to do. Listen to them by doing what you want to do which includes wanting out of the relationship as well if they want out so badly, you want out even more.

Just my 0.02 cents but I'm telling you,
it worked for me and a few others that had the balls to implement a plan that was counter-intuitive and didn't feel like the right thing to do originally, but now looking back, it is something I would recommend to anyone in the same situation.

Those who will say this solution doesn't apply to everyone and you can't assume that "one size fits all", haven't actually tried it and confirmed this.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

Jumping through hoops and "changing" to please his wife will never work.

It's a hard concept to understand.

Plus, saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" usually means that "I care for you but I'm not excited about you anymore especially since I've had my eye on someone else although you don't know about them yet"

Changing to get a spouse back doesn't work.
It's transparent.
Why are you changing now?
Is it really to improve yourself or is it to possibly get your spouse back?

It doesn't work.

Read every thread on this forum,
how many spouses: men or women,
have tried to change everything they could and met up with similar results, the WAS's don't respond to change by a LBS when the WAS has decided they want out of the relationship.

Why should they respond to change now?

It's too late.

It's insulting to the WAS.

If a LBS can change, why didn't they change when they had the chance, when the relationship was still intact?

In fact, if anything, changing in hopes of getting your spouse to come back again insults the WAS, it makes them angrier, resulting in a stronger attitude to move on further away.

You may not like reading this or understanding it,
but it is reality, you can't fight reality,
reality is... reality, it is what it is.

Accept reality, disregard fantasy,
do what works, stop doing what doesn't work.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

Why hold onto someone who doesn't want to be married. Take all the pressure off them and give them what they want - standing by, waiting for them to change, holding onto your vows, threatening them etc - it's all pressure. Put yourself in their shoes, what does it look like?

If they are acting single, running around, and not contributing to the family then be honest, it's not a marriage. There is something you can do - agree with them, give them what they want, set them free, drop the rope, fully detach, release them from the cage. You are kidding yourself if you think waiting for them is going to work, it's not attractive. To get here you need to understand why this works.

I totally believe in the sacrament of marriage. I believe it is a holy convenant ordained by God. With a convenant comes special blessings and graces. A covenant also comes with guidelines of behavior to be part of the convenant. The Garden of Eden, God's covenant with his people and the Prodigal Son are good examples of this. I will always love my wife, the graces and blessings we share will depend on how well we respect and nurture our covenant. There will always be the bond but not always the connection. I will also have the power to forgive her and welcome her back but not by me losing myself in the process.

I also believe in the dynamics of human behavior and the influence you can have on someone else by your actions. Attraction and love work differently between men and women. Mens and womens needs and wants are different. How we communicate, process and feel is different. Then lastly you must understand your beloved and what their fears, desires, wants and ambitions are.

You can set them free and love them at the same time. IMO it is the most loving thing you can do is to let them choose what they want. Setting then free = no pressure. It's selfish to try and get them to see your POV and do what you want. They have made their intentions clear, listen to what they are telling you.

I did not arrive at this belief until I thought thru it. I had read it, seen it here and heard it before. This isn't unique or new advice. I put myself in both sets of shoes the LBS and the WAS and thought thru how would I react.

Below is a quote from James Dobson who says it better than I. He is very pro-marriage.

Get counseling before giving ultimatum to straying spouse
By James Dobson
Published August 2, 2007


QUESTION: My wife has been involved in an affair with her boss for six months. I’ve known about it from the beginning, but just haven’t been able to confront her. Melanie acts like she doesn’t love me anyway. If I give her an ultimatum I could lose her completely. Can you assure me that won’t happen? Have you ever offered the “love must be tough” advice and had it backfire, ending in divorce?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, I have, and I certainly understand your caution. I wish I could guarantee how Melanie will react to a firmer approach. Unfortunately, life offers few certainties, even when all the probabilities point in one direction. Sometimes well-conditioned athletes drop dead from heart attacks. Some outstanding parents raise children who rebel and become drug addicts. Some of the most intelligent, cautious businessmen foolishly bankrupt themselves. Life is like that.

Things happen every day that shouldn’t have occurred. Nevertheless, we should go with the best information available to us. I saw a sign that said, “The fastest horses don’t always win, but you should still bet on them.” Even as a nongambler, that makes sense to me.

Having offered that disclaimer, let me say that there is nothing risky about treating oneself with greater respect, exhibiting confidence and poise, pulling backward and releasing the door on the romantic trap.

The positive benefits of that approach are often immediate and dramatic. Self-respect expressed in a loving way virtually never fails to have a salutary effect on a drifting lover, unless there is not the tiniest spark left to fan. Thus, in instances when opening the cage door results in a spouse’s sudden departure, the relationship was over already. I’m reminded of the proverb that says, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” There is a great truth in that, and it applies to your relationship with your wife.

Now, obviously, it is risky to precipitate a period of crisis. When explosive individuals are involved in mid-life turmoil or a passionate fling with a new lover, great tact and wisdom are required to know when and how to respond. That’s why professional counsel is vital before, during, and after the confrontation. It would be unthinkable of me to recommend that victims of affairs indiscriminately pose ultimatums with 24-hour deadlines, or that they push an independent partner in a corner. Great caution is needed in such delicate conflicts.

In short, I suggest that you seek the assistance of a competent counselor who can help you deal with the problem of Melanie’s affair.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

I've thought long and hard about why I wanted to move out. Had a lot of convos with tons of people, on the boards, friends, family, etc. And realized that it was yet another tactic, a passive aggressive tactic to change how my wife felt. That of COURSE she would miss me. Even though I would be paying for her house, her expenses, doing most of the parenting, all while trying to live an ascetic monk life.

And then I realized that I had been holding onto the rope sooo hard. I had even forgotten why I was holding on.

So yesterday I came home for lunch, and told my wife simply that "I wasn't leaving my home. You do what you need to do, but this is my home, and I'm not leaving it."

She asked me if she had done anything to make me feel unwelcome in the house (WTH???), and I said "no, I just like my home, and I want to stay here."

She said she didn't believe me, that it must have been something she said. I said no, you do what you need to do.

And then I left. No more R talks.

When I came home from work, she was a bit cool, but spoke during dinner. After putting the girls to bed, I went to read in bed (have a cold coming on) and watch the World Series. W never came to bed, slept on the sofa.

Around 6am she came to bed without a word. I got up an hour later, dressed, said goodbye to my daughters, and told W to have a good day.

So to all my fellow Pinheads, before you make any big decisions, really think about your motivations. It's hard, we're in our own fog, but really think and measure your thoughts and feelings.

[Ready2Change]

Lance,

Just to be clear. I didn't stay as any form of 'standing' or anything like that. I just like my house. It is my home, has my stuff in it, my daughters live here.

My wife can do what she wants, within respectable limits. She's free to go, our house has three doors she can choose from.

Those are the best reasons, don't let anyone tell you different.

Your wife can do what ever she wants,
even if that means she wants out of the marriage,
just like you can do what you want to do which means stopping doing things to impress or get her to change her mind, that never works.

I'm glad you finally realized this.

Have a great weekend bro!

[Ready2Change]

Link to original thread containing quote

According to her they have a perfect relationship. They dont fight, never discuss their feelings or the future. According to her it is just day by day, no committment, no stress of day to day life. Well go figure, I have the kids, the mortgage and the day to day stress that comes with that responsibility

That is the proof of her fantasy world. To her, "that" is a perfect R, but in the real world people have responsibilities and they want to make plans for a future.....and if there is going to be a future together, then a committment is usually in order. To her, marriage was a picture of day to day stress. It was her reality she wanted to run away from, not necessarily you & family. She puts M, responsibilities, family, stress, job, etc. all in one picture. OM was her "escape". They don't talk about anything b/c he isn't mature minded enough and he just wants sex anyway......nothing more or less. He would duck tail and run the minute he had to be responsible for all those kids!

If you will stick to your guns about no further talk with her UNTIL she leaves OM and has FULLY broken all contact with him.....and is WILLING to be transparent with her future contacts with any/all FRIENDS.......then you may stand a shot. However, if you compromise any of this, then I think she'll backslide. Make her want you bad! Make her work to get you back.

[Ready2Change]

Link to original post containing quote

Make sure you are DOCUMENTING everything, esp. the financial stuff. I don't think any one incident will make much of a difference, but if there's a pattern to it, it should help.