It would be SOOOO much easier if the x spouse just moved to Alaska (unless you happen to live in Alaska), but the kids will intertwine you forever, and if they are small, its more intense. My friend told me not to have ANY communication with XH unless one of the kids' names is in the sentence. That seems to be working to keep things cordial, but I don't reply to anything about US. The stuff about US keeps the emotional bond going, and that's not healthy for me --or maybe for you either, Future, given your wife's clear ambivilance. She wants the bond, but she doesn't want the marriage.
Future, my XH needs me to reflect that he's a good person too. Interesting that the WAS would need that so desperately after they behaved how they did. Somehow they need us to say, "That's OK, don't worry, I know you didn't mean to do it," or something crazy like that. Michelle has a good article on this site--she says that affairs don't "just happen". They are deliberate and conscious acts--which is such a relief for me because there is so much out there that says they are simply a symptom of a bad marriage. She writes that some clients have gone 25 years without sex and still wouldn't consider having an affair, and others have an affair at the first predictable bump in any marriage. My XH is in the later camp. It just wasn't fun/exciting enough having two kids, working, and running around after them all the time. He says when he looks back that a "gap" had developed between us, and that he filled the gap with the affair. Hummmmmm...I had been telling him for a couple of years that we needed to go on more dates, spend more time together, etc...and nothing happened unless I arranged it. For my XH, I think he has a weak character and would have had an affair no matter who he was married to. He just needed the rush of adreneline and the excitement from the ho-hummness that occurs in ANY married life from time to time...Yet he needs me to tell him he's a good person and not to worry about it or something crazy like that...He actually needs my forgiveness but would do the same thing all over again, I think. He is still with the GF, I suspect they may be getting married or something soon. How can someone ask for forgiveness when every clear indication is that they would do the exact same thing over again??? The funny thing is that everything I've heard about her from the kids sounds just like their friend's stepmom, who XH called "white trash" for years!
Future, I have a question for you if you don't mind. Why does your MC advise you to not disregard your W, etc.? Is it to keep a civil relationship with your W for the sake of your children or is it to keep things friendly with your W to possibly keep the door open for the M in time? Just wondering. I ask because I wonder if keeping things friendly with my W is still the way to go or just be extremely distant.
Wishing you the best.
Hi mza8-
It's to keep her from panicking and going crazy, which makes my life easier, as well as being respectful of the fact that we have to co-parent together, as well as not destroying possibility of future reconciliation.
I don't think you need to make a point to be extremely distant, but you do need to live your life for you, and let her and your M go. What I've found is that no interaction is fine. It puts the relationship in hibernation, giving time for negative emotions to wane. No interaction is infinitely better than any negative contact.
I seriously doubt your w's L is telling her to be mean and uncivil. Frankly, that's what the Ls are for. the L is probably telling her the MOST she can get is "X" and SHE"s driving the "I want more" train. As a L, I suggest that clients let US do the dirty work, partly b/c I think it helps couples stay civil, which is both cheaper AND easier on the kids AND increases the chances of a recon.
I have not seen "SOB L's" win more than strong, calm advocates. It's a question of whether the L is experienced in Family law so they can accurately predict out come, to the extent that's done, AND experience in actually going to trial, YET while trying to avoid it.
(In family Law, trials are ALWAYS horrid affairs and no one ever feels as if they "won"...how can they?) For regular litigation you want a litigator. For div, you want someone who's willing and able, but who's willing to avoid it if it's a close call (and who is realistic). When 5 L's all say you'll get no more than "X" and then ONE L says "Oh I can get you double that", you don't hire that one.
There are not that many surprises in Family law since guidelines are more specific in that area, mostly to avoid trials. They spell out as much as they can. There are not that many facts to dispute, so juries are not as needed. Also, "no fault" divorces greatly reduce what there is to dispute.
Last but not least, SOB Ls are pricey and can actually prolong the ordeal b/c they have their egos involved, and or they want to churn billable hours,and or they simply irritate the other spouse or other Lawyer (hey, we all have egos) so much that things get worse, not better.
Just my thoughts. I cannot think of when being civil would hurt you. Are you meaning to say "wimpy"? That's not what I mean.
Good luck Fut, and remember you can be fair, strong and assertive and NOT be an ass&^$%. Maybe that's the lesson for many of us. j
I definitely will be civil, and she is being civil too. The problem is, the laws in this state offer almost no room to maneuver. Our state does not recognize shared custody, at least not as related to child support. All child support money goes to the "custodial parent", which by definition is the parent that makes less money. If she wants to insist on full payment as per state formulas, it'll nearly bankrupt me, and my only recourse is to go all out and try to have me established as custodial parent, based on the fact that I've been there for the kids while she's left them several times to go see OM, and therefore I'm due all support, not her. That's not even what I want. I want her and I to work out how much it'll cost for us to raise the kids together, and come up with a split of money that acknowledges the fact that we're sharing custody, and that we both need to provide homes and food for the kids. Our state law has no provision for this sort of negotiation. It's all based on which parent is named "custodial parent". If we go the lawyer route, her lawyer is going to tell her she can get X dollars per month based on state formulas. He already has, I can tell from her e-mails to me. She took the state formula amount, and offered me a small reduction for food for the kids, that's it. I pointed out that I need to provide a home for the kids, a family sized car, food, toys, etc, and she ignored me and told me to talk to her lawyer.
We've been living for almost two years under an informal agreement of custody and support. I have paid her the same monthly amount all during that time, and we've split custody 50/50, except for her several trips to see OM, so in reality it's probably around 52/48 in my favor, and if I could convince a judge of that, I'd be named custodial parent. The income rule is only used when there is an exact 50/50 split of custody. If one parent has majority custody, they are custodial parent regardless of income.
Illustrating the insanity of our state laws, I could also go to my employer and tell them I need to be more available to my kids during this hard time and request a reduction to part time status, making sure my pay is just under what my W earns. Then by default I'd be custodial parent and she'd have to pay ME all the child support. My standard of living probably wouldn't even drop much! W would be financially destroyed. That's how crazy it is.
When I spoke to my W a few days ago she said she "wants what she's entitled to". She doesn't get it. SHE isn't "entitled" to anything. It's all just based on whoever is custodial parent, which is purely a function of income. There is no "entitlement", at least not in regards to child support.
Sorry future. When you have kids with someone you are intertwined forever unless you don't care if the kids suffer.... Just the reality of the sitch:(
Yeah, but I'm surprised how little intertwining is necessary. An e-mail or text here or there, that's it. Very little face to face contact, or even phone calls, are required. I don't think it causes the kids to suffer any more to have such limited contact. It does maybe cost a little more money, for duplication of things we could maybe share if we were so inclined, but that's about it.
It would be SOOOO much easier if the x spouse just moved to Alaska (unless you happen to live in Alaska), but the kids will intertwine you forever, and if they are small, its more intense. My friend told me not to have ANY communication with XH unless one of the kids' names is in the sentence. That seems to be working to keep things cordial, but I don't reply to anything about US. The stuff about US keeps the emotional bond going, and that's not healthy for me --or maybe for you either, Future, given your wife's clear ambivilance. She wants the bond, but she doesn't want the marriage.
Future, my XH needs me to reflect that he's a good person too. Interesting that the WAS would need that so desperately after they behaved how they did. Somehow they need us to say, "That's OK, don't worry, I know you didn't mean to do it," or something crazy like that. Michelle has a good article on this site--she says that affairs don't "just happen". They are deliberate and conscious acts--which is such a relief for me because there is so much out there that says they are simply a symptom of a bad marriage. She writes that some clients have gone 25 years without sex and still wouldn't consider having an affair, and others have an affair at the first predictable bump in any marriage. My XH is in the later camp. It just wasn't fun/exciting enough having two kids, working, and running around after them all the time. He says when he looks back that a "gap" had developed between us, and that he filled the gap with the affair. Hummmmmm...I had been telling him for a couple of years that we needed to go on more dates, spend more time together, etc...and nothing happened unless I arranged it. For my XH, I think he has a weak character and would have had an affair no matter who he was married to. He just needed the rush of adreneline and the excitement from the ho-hummness that occurs in ANY married life from time to time...Yet he needs me to tell him he's a good person and not to worry about it or something crazy like that...He actually needs my forgiveness but would do the same thing all over again, I think. He is still with the GF, I suspect they may be getting married or something soon. How can someone ask for forgiveness when every clear indication is that they would do the exact same thing over again??? The funny thing is that everything I've heard about her from the kids sounds just like their friend's stepmom, who XH called "white trash" for years!
I think our X's are two of a kind musclegal, and as you mentioned before, I think some narcissism is the key ingredient. Amazing how they need us to mirror for them, and when they don't get it, how nasty they can be. Maybe I wasn't the perfect husband, and maybe I did fail her emotionally in some ways, but I'm starting to realize more and more how that probably wouldn't have mattered. I have been there for her in so many ways, and it appears to mean nothing to her. She has shown herself capable of minimizing or discarding anything good between us, so even if I had been a better emotional partner it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Her A is an indication of something broken in her, and until she finds a way to fix it, I can't subject myself to any more abuse from her.
Last night I was trying to decide whether to sign the kids up for the ski lesson packages I discussed a couple pages ago. I realized that I can't plan for anything financially with this threat of a lawsuit looming over me.
I actually typed up, but did not send, an e-mail to W last night asking her if she could let me know if she was planning on suing me, so I can know whether I can afford to sign the kids up for skiing. I really wanted to send it, as I really need to know, but I figured it would just be taken as a hostile jab at her, and make the situation worse.
I really wanted to send it, as I really need to know, but I figured it would just be taken as a hostile jab at her, and make the situation worse.
More importantly, you are involved in a legal dispute over money, and that just has to be dealt with first.
If you were in an auto accident and you were being sued by somebody you hit in your car, you really wouldn't call them up and ask them about the suit because you were trying to figure out how to send your kids to ski camp, would you?
Business is business, cold as that sounds.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
