Hi all. W dropped the bomb 10/24/10 We’ve been M 18 yrs. Married late: I was 32, She 29. We have a S11 and D16. Here’s the sitch.
We have been “drifting apart” you could summarize for a couple of years. Don’t know why. We just didn’t work on the R I Was even fantasizing about being single. However I have had a classic H reaction to WAW syndrome described in the first chapter of DR. Totally broken hearted.now and want to save the M.
As it turns out W is having a EA with her ex-H from way, way back. It’s a long distance email A. They were married for a couple of years very young, 19 or 20 year olds. She was single after that for 5 or 6 years before meeting me and beginning our 18 years together.
This past spring he “found” her email and initiated contact. Her first instinct was to not get involved and so she did not correspond for a couple of months. But then she contacted him and ever since he has been wooing her (that’s her word) in emails. I happened upon one of OM’s emails in her nightstand, and he’s been like: “I’ve thought about you a lot all these years; We were too young; My marriage is terrible; Take your time baby; I’ll wait for you.” Yes – OM is married – 10 years with a S6.
Now W and I are both from broken families and she absolutely loathes the idea of our kids, especially S11 going through what she went through when her parents D’d. So she comes up with this. We live like roommates or brother and sister until S11 is old enough to handle mommy and daddy splitting, 4 to 6 years maybe. The OM said he’d wait for her so she has no intention of working on our M for all that time – it’s crazy. I pointed out, what he doesn’t wait and the A ends, but she still wants out. Then she said she did not want an “open marriage”.
Anyway she dropped another bomb on me saying she wanted to be “honest” and not sneak around. She’s planning on flying up to see the OM in a couple of weeks. Being an emotional wreck, I am terrified that the EA will turn into a PA. Doesn’t a long distance PA constitute an open marriage?
I’ve had only one session with my DB coach, so we only had time to go over my sitch and talk about a few things. I have pulled way back and I am reading DR. Next session is coming up. I don’t want to waste the next 5 years being a roommate when we could both be working on R and M. I need some encouragement, analysis, ideas, help.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Sorry folks, My posted the sitch also under the "what do you think of this" thread. It took so long to come up that I thought I screwed up. I'm very new to this.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Anyway she dropped another bomb on me saying she wanted to be “honest” and not sneak around. She’s planning on flying up to see the OM in a couple of weeks. Being an emotional wreck, I am terrified that the EA will turn into a PA. Doesn’t a long distance PA constitute an open marriage?
Newsflash, you are in an open marriage.
You are tolerating her communications and now her trip to visit this OM which will only culminate in them having some sort of physical relations.
What has your DB coach told you to do so far? I'm very interested to hear what the advice is considering you've caught this at a relatively early stage (ie. no physical contact yet)
Well, like I said, didn't have a whole lot of input from coach, 'cause I was blubbering the whole time like a lost schoolboy.
She wants me to change, do the unexpected, get myself together, compete with this OM, learn to read what W is really saying. Funny, after all these years, she seems like a stranger to me. Oh Yeah - ask her not to go.
Problem is it's only been a week since I stopped the pleading and letters. I emailed W asking her civilly not to go and told I would ask her face to face as the date 12/5 approaches.
Last night after a fun evening at HS football game w/friends (D16 is a flag twirler in band) W stayed up late slept on the couch. All this week she's been staying up till I am asleep or going to sleep before me, but at least we were in the same bed (for the kids I guess) I can't seem to read her.
Any similar experiences out there?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Nice, compete with the OM, totally the wrong thing to do.
Listen to the message that conveys: competing with another man for your wife.
Who has all the power in this situation? If you have to compete with another man for your wife, you definitely don't have any power in this situation.
Your wife has all the power and this will never work if you have to compete with another man for her. You communicate that you're ok with competing for another man for your wife, you shouldn't have to compete, you should be choice #1, the only choice, your wife has options, your wife has control.
You have no options in this situation, you will not win in this situation, competing will allow your wife to compare him to you, in ALL ways (read the hidden message there).
Better to let her go.
"Wife I've been thinking about things, I finally get what you're feeling and going through, the message finally clicked in my head, you're not attracted to me anymore and truthfully I'm not attracted to you anymore. So I've decided, you can have him (the OM), I don't want to be married to you anymore. I've decided I won't be with someone who doesn't value me or the relationship they have with me. It's just too much work going through this with you and it's just not worth it to me. You will be much happier with him. Of course we need to tell the children immediately, the sooner the better. I've also decided you will also need to find another place to live because I can't live with you anymore. While you're gone on your trip, I will start packing your things and placing them in the garage for you, when you return, you can make arrangements to live with a friend or some family until you have your own place because I won't be moving out. FYI, I've spoken to a lawyer and I will file for divorce and file for joint custody as well."
And that's it.
Let her go, completely.
It's the fastest way to get them back.
No begging, pursuing, pleading, competing with the OM (crappiest idea ever), etc. You let her go happily and make this your decision to let her go and drop her like a bad habit. No emailing, txting, letter writing, jumping through hoops to change for her (if you want to change to improve you for you, by all means go for it, but don't change to improve for her, jumping through hoops/changing for your wife just communicates that you're not valuable enough as is and you need to supplement the current "you" with changes to make "YOU" better for your wife - don't be that guy, the forums are filled with guys that made a million changes for their wives only to be rejected at every turn, it doesn't work, that's reality).
The only real "change" that will work, something that is unexpected, something that will show your wife that you got yourself together is to show her the door.
Letting them go is the quickest way to get them back.
Hi Pickle-- Welcome to divorcebusting.com. No matter what advice you get on this site, your BEST advice comes from your DB coach. Your coach has known what else to ask you besides the stuff you post. She/he is the expert. Your coach has years and years of experience, the appropriate education plus training from Michele. Your coach is promarriage, and that will be the goal...for you to win your marriage.
That said, something I want to share with you is that divorce is harder on the children as they get older. 11 is a terrible age for parents to divorce. I know these things from literature, and I know them from experience.
Divorce is awful, and it should only be done if there is no other solution.
Follow your coach's advice.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
HI Pickle, I am in almost the same sitch. I have a D11 and my H dropped bomb last July, but after I begged and pleaded he agreed to stay until the D11 is old enough. He said his EA is one sided, for a while it became reciprocal (I knew from spying) but thankfully, like yours, it was long distance. I wanted to stop him from seeing her but because of what I learned from DB, and from friends who have had MLC (which is a secondary diagnosis, I think, for my H), I just decied to let go, leave it to God. He went to visit her, and I think it did not turn PA. Lately, the OW has started having guilty feelings, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that this stays that way and that one day it will die a natural death. I wish I could do as robx says, it seems so logical, but again, i do not have the guts and everytime I see D, it kills me to think of having to explain to her. She loves her dad so much, and he is a really good and responsible dad. This kind of action (the ultimatum) is something you have to be ready for! I think only you can tell if it will work, as you know her well.
For me, I think even if my H is not willing for now, in the long run, being together will give more time to work on the DB techniques. Then maybe down the road I will think of giving an ultimatum, or some other action I can control.
Good luck!
Angel61
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Actually "competing" with the other person that your spouse is having an affair with is "popular" advice on these forums, "maybe if I change my spouse will notice me and love me again" "maybe if I lose weight my spouse will notice me and love me again" "maybe if I buy better gifts for my spouse, they will notice me and love me again" "maybe if I offer footrubs to my spouse they will notice me and love me again"
Your spouse is having an affair with another person and cheating on you, you compete with your spouse's affair partner and try to out do whatever it is they're doing to get your spouse back....
Why?
Why would you reward your spouse's cheating behavior? It never works, I don't think you will find one thread on these forums where rewarding your cheating spouse in this manner has ever resulted in them coming back and having a long, lasting, loving relationship with their LBS.
Not one.
What you will find is that when you compete with the other person, you will just reinforce the idea with your spouse that they are higher value than you are, and this will enable them to eat cake at your expense - they won't just magically snap out of their condition and see what they're doing is wrong.
Thanks Angel. My instincts tell me to go slowley. This is all so new and I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I will definately listen to my coach. A PA would be really difficult to take - I don't even want to know.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
