Thanks Angel. My instincts tell me to go slowley. This is all so new and I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I will definately listen to my coach. A PA would be really difficult to take - I don't even want to know.
Actually, in hindsight, I wish I had "verified" sooner.
Don't put your head in the sand, because denial will prolong this whole process.
Your instincts should tell you to focus on you now.
This all takes time. Take each day and make it the best day possible for you. If you approach it with a day to day; minute by minute approach it will be much easier on you and the roller coaster ride.
"Let Her Go" means detach from the outcome, don't fight her feelings, and accept the fact you can't change her mind. Validate her. If you can't handle her being in the home having an open marriage then do what Robx is advising. However, you have to be at a level where when you do this you are not acting out of emotion. In other words you have to feel those words He's telling you to say and you can't be at a place of emotion otherwise you will make it very easy for her to justify her actions.
How you carry yourself and control your actions will benefit you more then any word you could say.
Rule #1 for you right now - Don't do a damn thing off emotion. If you feel fear, anger, sadness, etc. Own your feelings; and understand that communicating from any emotion is not going to look attractive to your W right now.
When the DB coach says compete with the OM. Look at the OM as having nothing to lose and your W to gain. YOU look at it from an internal level. YOU have more self worth and respect than to have to resort to begging and pleading for W to come back. In other words YOU live your life as you know you are the better man. Her loss.
You are not there yet, but if you work hard on yourself you will be.
Another thing. When you feel you are about to do something stupid from emotion, POST HERE FIRST.
This is a very good post from an "Enchanter" on this board. She was almost WAW. Read this list and follow it. It is a very good list of ACTIONS you should be following to the letter.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
You aren't doing yourself more harm by staying. However,you need to get a totally different thought pattern, okay? You are simply paralyzed with fear and that fear coupled with your low self esteem is causing you to keep him on a short, tight rope. He's pulling forward as you're trying to rope him back. That causes a lot of tension and isn't very attractive.
So he wants changes in you, huh? Well, why don't you do just that? It's all about attitude, sweetie. You get your desparate & clingy ways and do a 180 degree. Instead of him seeing a needy, whiny, pitiful wifey.....he will see a self confident woman who any man would be nuts to leave. So, how about it?
While you are waiting on the DR book, I would encourage you to study this list of what I call the Do's and the Don'ts of DBing. Some tips that you could seriously be working on to bring about those big changes. But, before I copy & paste the list, I just want to tell you this, he has you believing that it's all your fault and you have to be the one to do all the changing. WRONG! First, you become the best person you possible can be....but you don't do it to keep him.....you do it for "you". He will not be satisfied with any changes you tried in order to keep him from leaving you, but we will discuss that at a later time.
You said that you miss your best friend. Well honey, you are going to find a brand new best friend......YOU!
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information begin received and mirrored “makes sense.” It indicates that you can see your partner’s point of view and can accept its validity – it is “true” for the partner. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality. Typical validating phrases are: “I can see that . . .”; “You make sense to be because . . .”; “I can understand that . . .” Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience has its own logic and is a valid way of looking at things. To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It merely recognizes the fact that in any communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person. It also recognizes that no “objective view” is possible. The process or mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.
I can't find Ready2change lists of reading material.
I want to tell you that NO matter what happens it's important that you better yourself through this process. Read and Read and Read. Self reflection and Getting a life is absolutely MANDATORY in this process.
I've read DB and DR (Working on 3rd time through now)
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" "Ways of the Superior Man" "Hold on to your N.U.T.s" (My favorite book) "Bible"
Activities - Go to the Gym and find a hobby for you.
My personal favorite Posters: Coach, Greek, Robx, and Sandi2 - Great reads for the first timers on this board. They have GREAT posts. There are many more, but for immediate attitude change in yourself I recommend you start with following somebody.
I too have a DB coach and I live by DR. It's important to know you have to work on yourself and get yourself to a good place. That's why it's important to take all the info your getting and process it. This unfortunately takes a lot of time and there is no instant results. Look at the time as a gift for yourself.
You have a D16; what advice would you give HER, if her boyfriend did this to her? "Compete" with the other girl, or stand up for herself the way Robx advises?
Robx is absolutely right. And it WORKED for him. He knows what he's talking about!!!
Competing with OM for your own wife?? That's ridiculous, weak, and it won't work.
Starsky
IAP - Put it this way. If you have the right mindset. There is NO COMPETITION with OM. The reason why, IS YOU ARE THE MAN. It's Her Loss. You're going to be just fine without her.
You will be telling her from a place of strength and not a script because someone tells you too. You do have some quick studying to do to get to that place where you can actually pull this off correctly.
Get strong IAP.
Start reading this entire thread. Very good read, but please note that there was some time that went by before he was at this place. Very motivational for you.
