I am coming into this conversation a little late I guess but had to comment just the same
ssmguy .... YES there are a LOT of women out there that have HD (me included) and I am 58.
Remaining faithful in a 22 year relationship with someone that I had sex with maybe 3-5 times in the last 10 years was a challenge to say the least.
Finding someone that is open, honest and willing to try anything at least once, is not the easiest thing in the world but I plan on trying
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Have you considered the possibility that your looking for/pushing for the O creates considerable pressure or anxiety in her? That she feels that having sex with you involves a "test" or "requirement" that she achieve the O, which she may or may not do regardless of what you do? That she perceives you think there must be something wrong or inadequate in her? That she fears you'll "keep at her" til she meets this requirement?
Actually, I think women peaking around 40 probably IS a general truth. It is true of all the women I know that they really became much more authentically into sex and enjoyed it a great deal more beginning in their later 30s and continuing on from there.
I don't really understand why you keep asking the same questions, wanting different answers.
There are PLENTY of enthusiastically sexually active women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s...
Given your W has never really been into sex with you, I see no reason to think that her age or hormones have affected her current interest in any significant way.
Have you considered the possibility that your looking for/pushing for the O creates considerable pressure or anxiety in her?
Yes, but it's not just the O, she's never even let me attempt to give her one. She's always been OK stimulating me, and having intercourse, but she' never let me touch her private areas. She's OK with doing everything else in marriage, except for the yucky sexual touching and stuff, never mind having an O.
Your question seems to suggest we're having sex, and that I'm spending 20 minutes stimulating her, and she's not having an O. That's so far from my situation it's not even funny. Rather, after many years of not wanting to even try to have an O, I suggested that if she could think about that and TRY for it, sex might be more enjoyable. Well, that went over like a lead balloon.
Hey, it doesn't matter what I do, because it's always wrong. I have been given the advice that I need to stimulate my wife more so she can have an O, and why am I so inconsiderate as to not want to pay attention to my wife's pleasure? And if I take that advice, I'm given the advice that I'm putting my wife under too much pressure.
Yeah, I'm a guy who wants to have loving, erotic fun with my wife, and what could be more of a turnoff for a woman than that! Go ahead and laugh, but that's certainly been exactly my experience. And it's not that our relationship is otherwise bad. In fact, it's so good nobody thinks we're having any issues. It's just that she's "done with sex" and has no desire for it. Nothing wrong with that. It's just that I'm not happy it.
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That she fears you'll "keep at her" til she meets this requirement?
It's been several years now since I made any mention of orgasms. No pressure. Hasn't changed a thing.
The message I keep getting from other people is, if a woman doesn't want sex and orgasms, it's obviously because her man is doing something wrong. And then, anything he does is wrong.
Actually, I think women peaking around 40 probably IS a general truth. It is true of all the women I know that they really became much more authentically into sex and enjoyed it a great deal more beginning in their later 30s and continuing on from there.
You must be talking to or having sex with a different group of women than I've known. I realize from everything I've read that you must be right. It's just not been my experience. So it creates a cognitive dissonance, I suppose. What I read just starts to sound like phoney political correctness after a while. In my personal experience, it's been younger women who seem to be full of flirtiness and daring horniness - young interns coming on to me at work and elsewhere. Never had a woman my own age coming on to me after 40, it's always been just younger ones. And that goes for my wife too - basically zero interest in me after she turned 40.
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I don't really understand why you keep asking the same questions, wanting different answers.
Because what I keep reading and hearing from people like you never matches my experience, or at least my experience so far.
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There are PLENTY of enthusiastically sexually active women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s...
Yeah, and from what I'm reading here, they're all taken - by guys with no libido, ED, or both!
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Given your W has never really been into sex with you, I see no reason to think that her age or hormones have affected her current interest in any significant way.
No, she was into it when we were younger, except for the orgasm part and being touched in her private areas.
She was into sex except for orgasms and being touched in her private areas? I can't read that and think that she was into sex. This does not sound like a new problem (going by what you've written before.) You seem to want to treat it as a change in her, but you're describing a long-term condition.
No, she was into it when we were younger, except for the orgasm part and being touched in her private areas.
Hmmmm .... yeah. That's like saying "She was into gardening, except for the getting your hands in the dirt part" or "She liked golf, except for the hitting the ball bit".
I feel really sad for you SSMGuy. There is a whole world of sensuality and sexuality that you just have no experience of and no idea about.
You remind me a bit of my xhusband. Maybe it's a generational thing? (He's 56 now) To him, sex was a couple of minutes of fondling, and 3 - 5 minutes of sex, a quick cuddle and intimacy is over for another 3 days. The poor man just didn't know any different - and I didn't either given I married him when I was a sexually inexperineced 24 year old.
Sex with new lovers after I was divorced was such a revelation. It's passionate and intimate and it takes longer than 5 minutes. Sometimes it takes 5 hours. Soemtimes all weekend.
If you had an issue like this at work - where one of your staff just refused to do a part of their job that was reasonably essential to making the bottom line - either because they didn't know how to or didn't want to - how would you handle it?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Your W was not into sex when she was younger. She was playing a role, being inauthentic, doing her best to be what she was supposed to be. Probably, FWIW, a lot like the young women hitting on you these days. Current norms are to act very horny, act like you have multiple orgasms the first time you have sex with someone, pretty much from intercourse alone, to moan like a porn star, to enjoy making out with other young women in public, to pretend that hooking up to give oral sex to a man in exchange for zero sexual satisfaction is not humiliating, etc.... Young women very often fake their sexuality, they fake their orgasms, they fake what feels good to them. We are taught to be a certain way FOR men our whole lives. It gets TEDIOUS for awhile. Then it gets UNBEARABLE. Sex dwindles, it stops.
Real sexual enjoyment comes with sexual authenticity, which many women only gain with maturity when they are strong enough to be sexually who they are rather than who they are supposed to be.
Thanks for the reality check. You all sound like you're right on the money. My own experience doesn't give me much of a perspective. I've never experienced a woman faking an orgasm, let alone actually having a real one.
But I was at least aware that women gain sexual maturity with age, and so I was hoping that was going to happen in my marriage. In fact, several books seemed to virtually assure me it was going to happen. Never happened. I should never have read those books.
No, she was into it when we were younger, except for the orgasm part and being touched in her private areas.
Hmmmm .... yeah. That's like saying "She was into gardening, except for the getting your hands in the dirt part" or "She liked golf, except for the hitting the ball bit".
Yup! You got that right!
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I feel really sad for you SSMGuy. There is a whole world of sensuality and sexuality that you just have no experience of and no idea about.
Yes, that's what I've slowly begun to realize in recent years. At least now I know there are things I don't know, as Donald Rumsfeld might have said.
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You remind me a bit of my xhusband. Maybe it's a generational thing? (He's 56 now) To him, sex was a couple of minutes of fondling, and 3 - 5 minutes of sex, a quick cuddle and intimacy is over for another 3 days. The poor man just didn't know any different - and I didn't either given I married him when I was a sexually inexperineced 24 year old.
Your xhusband sounds more like my wife, not me. Years ago, when we had intercourse, she usually thought it was taking too long and wanted me to "finish up".
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Sex with new lovers after I was divorced was such a revelation. It's passionate and intimate and it takes longer than 5 minutes. Sometimes it takes 5 hours. Soemtimes all weekend.
Yes, I would love to be with a woman who wanted lots of foreplay and fooling around, and who wanted intercourse to last a long time.
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If you had an issue like this at work - where one of your staff just refused to do a part of their job that was reasonably essential to making the bottom line - either because they didn't know how to or didn't want to - how would you handle it?
If you shared a house, kids, in-laws, a deep friendship and a lifetime of experiences with one of your staff, you wouldn't handle it the way you should at work. Which is why it's usually a bad idea to have your spouse be your subordinate or supervisor at work!
