Okay I'm getting messages, but don't now how to read w/o emotion. For the 2 weeks after the bomb we still slept in the same bed and acted like normal (for the kids). One night I got too close and got the "What are you doing?" meaning "What the hell do you think you're doing!" So I've backed off.
Now coach advised as part of change, look good and wear cologne which is "unexpected" for me. Friday night we went to a HS football game, D16 is a flag twirler in band, and really enjoyed it with other friends. But W decided that night to sleep on the couch. Last night she brought S11 to my room to sleep and she slept in his bed alone.
Should I quit the cologne and looking good? What is she trying to say to me?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
she isn't trying to say anything to you, she is looking for a more comfortable place to sleep, stop thinking that everything has to do with you, it doesn't.
I would bust her on that behavior though, is your son going to sleep with you now for the next couple of years until this is resolved?
NO.
Tell her, that is your son's bedroom, that is where he sleeps, your daughter sleeps in her room, you sleep in the master bedroom, she sleeps on the couch, you have decided that that's how it will work in your house from now on, if she wants an affair with another man, she can go sleep on the couch or actually find another place to live, that would be better, just tell her "no offense but I don't need you messing up the rest of our family's lives because of this affair of yours, also I've decided we're telling the kids tonight about this so that no one is in the dark about the situation anymore."
Also, the allure and the excitement of the extramarital affair is fueled by it's..... secrecy. That's what makes it so exciting. Reveal the secret. Contact the OM, tell him you know, tell him he can have her (seriously). Does the OM have a wife? If so, contact her, let her know what's going on.
As for your kids, tell them that you and your wife are getting a divorce (don't tell them about the affair, you can let your wife break their hearts with that nugget, that part isn't your job).
I VERY RARELY post anymore, and, in fact, have sat on my hands for over an hour trying not to.
I can't not.
Here's the deal. I did the DB thing for my MARRIAGE for 2 1/2 years. And, only once I did it for myself did it have any impact on my M.
Your wife is having an EA w/her ex. She is well on her way to it becoming a PA.
Your DB coach will tell you a lot of things to do. Do them, BUT do them for YOU!
I heard all of the things you heard, had the H sleeping on the FLOOR next to our bed (his back hurt I whatever) slept in the family room w/the kids, etc... This is all pure bullcrap.
Take your DB coaches advice, but throw a lot of Rob in.
I can't think of anything less attractive in a man than one that would let me do my own thing, emotionally and/or physically, and stay with me. Ick. I also wouldn't be too impressed w/a man who wanted me after I cheated on him. Mega ICK
After I found my self-confidence and the courage to truly move on (remember after 2 1/2 years), I found myself face-to-face w/a naked H, finally interested in my attention.
I could think of nothing worse happening by then. I had moved on, became happy, and content w/my life choices.
I'm so happy now. Remember, it became MY choice then, and I ad DB's myself back.
Good Luck, and don't let her continue this under your roof, w/your kids as a witness. Remember, you are molding their ideas on adulthood, marriage and personal ethics.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
YOu are right. Sometimes we tend to hurts ourselves more by wanting to know, yet it also helps prepare us for the next step.
I however did not want H to think that I am totally a doormat, so when I had the chance I told him that if it were not for D, I would have agreed to an S, as I did not want to live my life in pain. I think that actually gave him some food for thought, that same day, I he talked to me and told me about the change in his relationship with his EA, in a sense , by saying she is not willing to be party to breaking us up. Lately, I noticed that their communications seem to emphasize friendhip, especially from the OW. Since then (4 days ago) till now, he has been acting really nice to me - taking me out to dinner, talking to me, even being physical, which we still seem to enjoy in spite of all this. I figure keeping the physical part going could keep H from being needy in that aspect. To make sure I get something out of this, I do not do more than is needed to keep the household running. I make sure he does his part, and as much as I could, also make sure I get something out of our time together. I enjoy when I can!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Yes, coach probably has seen a lot of sitch like ours. I am interested in finding how it goes in the next few days. I will tell you - when I started following DB techniques it did make life easier. Maybe you can ask her to postpone seeing her OM for a bit .... might give her time to think, and maybe let her emotions stabilize a bit. Let her know you can't handle it right now and need to be prepared. Ask her not to be impulsive, for the sake of the kids. She is a mom, she will always think of her kids. I used to ask my H to allow me my pain, and to help me with it, for the sake of the D and to allow me to be functional. I pointed out that he turned my world upside down so the least he could do was help me handle the situation. It wasn't aimed at making him guilty, just that we had always worked together on past problems, and now that the problem was him, it still was our problem as a couple, and surprisingly, he did help me, and did not turn away. Another thing I do right now is to compartmentalize my life, and when are together, I would pretend nothing was wrong so would interact with him the same way as usual. Until now, it boggles his mind that I am not screaming or angry, as that is what he expected - me to get mad at him. At that time I started being like that, I hadn't read the book, but I had the intuition that being mad would not help the cause. Right now I feel stronger, and am more functional. And I am fairly sure it did not go PA.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Well I did it. We "talked" last night I told her some of they things you all have been advising. I said I couldn't respect myself living like roommates while she carries on the EA. I emphasized that the EA constitutes an open marriage, and I will not live in an open marriage. I said she needs to sever all contact and no trip to see OM. She said that's not going to happen. Than I suggested she move out. She seemed panicked at first but "reasoned" she needed time. She said "I have nothing, I've got to have time". I said take all the time you need. She's also panicked that I'll tell the kids and make her out to be the "Bad guy". I backed off a little and said when the time comes we'll just tell them we can't live together anymore. Which is going to puzzle them because we're not the "fighting spouses"; we've been "roommates" for a couple of year failing to communicate our needs and obviously not having them met. Remember, they really do adore, and it pains me to deprive them of her. She pressed on the time issue, clearly unintending to divert from her "escape" plan. So I said I maybe could handle it a year or two, and she suggested until D16 graduates. I might have wavered (read screwed up) there with a mixed message. I'm going to have to make no uncertain terms regarding open marriage till D16 graduates. I wonder what my coache will say about all this. Session this afternoon. What do you guys think? Need support, I'm feeling like I just slit my wrists.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
You're willing to live "a year or two" while she cheats on you? Think about the message that will send to D16 and S11.
And make no mistake about it. Unless she breaks off all contact with OM, and you have a transparency plan in place to assure it, all you'll be doing it providing her with room and shelter (cake-eating) while she conducts her affair.
Well I did it. We "talked" last night I told her some of they things you all have been advising. I said I couldn't respect myself living like roommates while she carries on the EA. I emphasized that the EA constitutes an open marriage, and I will not live in an open marriage. I said she needs to sever all contact and no trip to see OM. She said that's not going to happen. Than I suggested she move out. She seemed panicked at first but "reasoned" she needed time. She said "I have nothing, I've got to have time". I said take all the time you need. She's also panicked that I'll tell the kids and make her out to be the "Bad guy". I backed off a little and said when the time comes we'll just tell them we can't live together anymore. Which is going to puzzle them because we're not the "fighting spouses"; we've been "roommates" for a couple of year failing to communicate our needs and obviously not having them met. Remember, they really do adore, and it pains me to deprive them of her. She pressed on the time issue, clearly unintending to divert from her "escape" plan. So I said I maybe could handle it a year or two, and she suggested until D16 graduates. I might have wavered (read screwed up) there with a mixed message. I'm going to have to make no uncertain terms regarding open marriage till D16 graduates. I wonder what my coache will say about all this. Session this afternoon. What do you guys think? Need support, I'm feeling like I just slit my wrists.
Look for what it's worth you were kind of the right track.
But then you blew it being all melty man and stuff.
When you told her to stop contacting the OM and no trip to see him and she told you that it's not going to happen, that was her being confident, that was her saying to you "F!@#$% you, I'll do what I please, thank you very much!" and that part was expected, no worries.
When you suggested she move out, that was the monkey wrench in her plans, do you see it? She didn't expect that part. She expects you to be the scared person, afraid to lose her, you've done this for a while already so she expects you to be the scared spouse fighting, pleading, begging to get her back and we all know that never works.
So you did the opposite of that.
You told her that she should move out.
Whoa?!
That wasn't part of your wife's master plan.
She's thinking "WTF?! I have to move out? He's telling me I have to move out if I continue my affair with the OM? I'm not ready for that, I like my fantasy life that you've been enabling me to have all this time, I don't know what to do now!"
Cue the panic scene.
Your response should have been, "Yes you need to move out, did you think I was going to live like this forever, it's disrespectful to me, you're my wife and you want to be with another man, fine be with him, I want you to be with him because I don't want to be with you anymore and part of that requires you moving out since you're the one having the affair. This is my decision based on your actions, I deserve better than this and I don't want this open marriage room mate crap anymore. You can have a few weeks to find an apartment and get your stuff packed up and moved out, I'll help you pack if you need some help."
That's the response.
You see you have to understand what makes people change.
What prompted you to start making changes, to seek out the db website, to start improving your behaviors (actually I wouldn't call what you've done so far improving but you will get there), what prompted you to kiss her butt, to be beg, plead, pursue and want her back?
Think about it, what motivated you? Was it love? No. You would like to believe that but it wasn't love, at least not primarily.
The one thing that motivated you to change, to act, to get your wife back was.....
Fear.
Fear of Loss.
Crisis.
It's the only thing that gets most people to change. That's human nature, you can hum and haw all you want about it but that's the fact, plain and simple.
You need to create fear of loss with her.
But not in an a$$hole type way either.
"Wife I've been thinking about our discussion yesterday, I've decided that there is no way I can live for another year or two with you in this way, it's just not a healthy way to live. I can't live in the same house with my wife while she is actively pursuing an affair with another man, because now I don't want to be with you either, I've finally woken up to this idea. You should be with him, I want you to be with him. But I can't live with you anymore and since you started this process with the other man, you need to leave and a year or two won't cut it. You need to start looking for another place to live ASAP, I'll give you a month, maybe two at the most. I'll help you pack and move over as well. Also we will tell the kids that we are getting a divorce, and YOU not I will tell them that you are involved with another man because I will not be the bad guy in this situation, you will take responsibility for your actions and I have no issues about you feeling guilty, that is your cross to bear with them, not mine. I will be civil during this process but that is my decision, I can't go back to doing what I've been doing all this time, I can't believe I've been so stupid and foolish to allow this to continue for as long as it has. We will talk to the kids today after school."
And then walk away, leave her be and don't get into an argument, let her blab away until she is blue in the face, you remain silent, maintain eye contact during her spew and then walk away, go to work, go in another room, whatever it is you need to do.
Let her deal with the consequences of her actions, there must be consequences for actions, otherwise we risk letting people walk all over us and my friend, that is what you have enabled up to this point and it's time for you to change the situation if you want different results.
Just my 0.02 cents on this.
Do what works, stop complaining about what doesn't work.
Pin, what do you mean by a "transparancy plan" Example?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
