This is my second go-around and I couldn't care less if my H knew I was here or not.
The first time I was fanatic about deleting my history. I fixed what was wrong with me, learned how to "act as if" and GAL and "detach" and all the other great tactics used here.
It put a bandaid on the real problems, which are H's impatience and lack of impulse control. And his verbal and emotional abuse. No amount of GAL or detaching can fix that--it bought me a couple more years, but in the end, this is not a R that can be fixed.
Funny enough, H now wants to read my 5 LLs book and I do think I had one of his LLs wrong--doesn't matter, there is just WAY too much wrong to worry about that now. If he can figure out some things and have hope for his next R, well that is great. I wish him the best but I don't want him back.
If you read Dr Harleys books His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters Dr Harley talks about how much damage has been done to marriages by the CoDependent Movement. Dr Harley states that if we plan to have a great marriage we will all be codependent because if we are not CD then we get involved with selfish me, me, me, behavior. I had a wife that read the CD books, and it was at this same time when she took off on her online affairs which led to bedroom affairs. I am not a big supporter of the CD movement because like Dr Harley states if you want to have a great marriage and meet each others emotional needs you will be considered a CD person. Well that makes me a CD person because I set about meeting my wife emotional needs, and I prefer that she meet my emotional needs, too. So, we are all somewhat CD, or we run off and fight being CD and do our own thing with total disregard for meeting our spouse's emotional needs. This is something to give some thought to.
For a different perspective, try Passionate Marriage, by sex therapist David Schnarch. It totally changed the way I think about marriage and sex, and explains how codependence (or not "holding onto yourself") undermines both. It's an amazing book that our C recommended (though it's also been recommended dozens of times on this website) and I found it quite transformational.
