ACTIONS speak louder than words. No one says you have to respond.
Quote:
maybe its time he just loses me.
OR maybe it is time that YOU decide to GO DARK for YOU!
Kissak, why do you keep asking him to do this or do that? Why do you continue to allow him to control how you feel? The key word is the “why”. I think I may not the answer – do YOU?
Quote:
I cant keep letting him get away with the stuff he does and still gets to keep my friendship???
“get away” – wow. IMO, that sounds like you want to punish him for hurting you, which I get. What will hurting HIM do for YOU? Make you feel better? Maybe for a few days BUT long terms what does hurting him get you? Nothing IMO.
True detachment is for YOU. It is something YOU do for YOU. Not to punish. Not to hurt him. Nope, it is for YOU. AND when you do it… you really do not need to ask, inform, or communicate to anyone other than YOURSELF that YOU are detaching.
Quote:
maybe you could get some insight to what goes on in his head
Who give a rats as* what is going on inside HIS head? I don’t and honestly, neither should YOU.
Quote:
Am I doing the right thing here?
What do you need to be emotionally happy and healthy? Whatever that is do that!
Quote:
Should I just cut him off completely from my life?
Does him being in your life make you happy or sad? Figure that one out, then you will have your answer. Also, things do not always have to be black or white. Grey is okay sometime. Remember Kissak, this should be about YOU – not HIM. If you can tolerate him, tolerate him, if you cannot or on a specific day do not want to see or hear from him – well then don’t. It really is that simple.
Imagine…..for a sec…..YOUR Life
A life that YOU control
A life that YOU decide what and who you will see and when you will see them.
Sounds pretty cool I bet….
You have said in the past you deserve better – what is stopping you then from becoming better?
Do you know what it is?
Quote:
Im not sure I can
Quote:
Im not sure I can
Quote:
Im not sure I can
Quote:
Im not sure I can
Quote:
Im not sure I can
Quote:
Im not sure I can
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Quote:
a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I can
Oh…that still small voice….
Deep down is your answer Kissak
Deep down in your heart and soul
Do NOT be afraid to go inside yourself…by yourself…
Quote:
how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Maybe….you should really just
LET GO
You have tried everything else sweetie….
How about you let go and really just give it God and let Him deal with it.
While you are letting go…
Dig…
Dig deep…
You can do this!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
OR maybe it is time that YOU decide to GO DARK for YOU!
Quote:
Yes, It is for me.
Quote:
Kissak, why do you keep asking him to do this or do that? Why do you continue to allow him to control how you feel? The key word is the “why”. I think I may not the answer – do YOU?
Quote:
Why? Im not sure why I let him...
Quote:
Quote:
I cant keep letting him get away with the stuff he does and still gets to keep my friendship???
“get away” – wow. IMO, that sounds like you want to punish him for hurting you, which I get. What will hurting HIM do for YOU? Make you feel better? Maybe for a few days BUT long terms what does hurting him get you? Nothing IMO.
Quote:
True, In some ways I do want him to hurt and feel sorry for hurting me...Im sure it would only last for a few days, but your right, in long term it would probably get me nothing, well, maybe some satisfaction...sorry if that makes me selfish.
Quote:
True detachment is for YOU. It is something YOU do for YOU. Not to punish. Not to hurt him. Nope, it is for YOU. AND when you do it… you really do not need to ask, inform, or communicate to anyone other than YOURSELF that YOU are detaching.
Quote:
I get that, I do...I just have to get there...I feel like my heart is still too involved and its hard.
Quote:
Quote:
maybe you could get some insight to what goes on in his head
Who give a rats as* what is going on inside HIS head? I don’t and honestly, neither should YOU.
Quote:
I know, but it helps me understand maybe the whys I keep having in my head...Im sure it would do no good to know though.
Quote:
Does him being in your life make you happy or sad?
What if the answer is both?
Quote:
If you can tolerate him, tolerate him, if you cannot or on a specific day do not want to see or hear from him – well then don’t. It really is that simple.
Some days I can tolerate, some days I cant. So, if I dont feel like talking I will just tell him that.
Quote:
A life that YOU control
Thats what I want.
BUT, BUT, BUT,
Quote:
a part of me still wants to be with him, but deep down I know I can
Oh…that still small voice….
Deep down is your answer Kissak
Deep down in your heart and soul
Do NOT be afraid to go inside yourself…by yourself…
Quote:
how do I make that part that still wants him GO AWAY???
Maybe….you should really just
LET GO
You have tried everything else sweetie….
How about you let go and really just give it God and let Him deal with it.
While you are letting go…
Dig…
Dig deep…
You can do this!
Eric
Thank you
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Sorry about the quoting thing...I have NO idea why it did that!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Hard to let them go when they are trying to keep you in the loop while still not dealing with their issues and continuing to do the things that hurt you....remember this is all about them....he is contacting you because that what he needs and wants he doesn't even seems to understand why you are so upset with him.
It's hard to let go, you secretly hope that they will see the error of their ways and maybe we in some way hope that by showing them that you still care you can help that somehow....because after all you still love him.
It did help me a while back to go dark....not reply to his e-mails....not being around him.
Lets be honest here....part of it is trying to punish them (we are only human) and partially hoping that that may make them see how they wronged us....but mainly going dark is for you...to regain your balance....and focus on you not on him.
I don't need to be dark now, lots of the anger is gone as well....so once you are strong enough and detached enough you will know and you can communicate with him more again.
Take care of you now.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Thanks Mila...YOu said exactly how I feel. It is very hard to let go no matter how bad they hurt you. Why is that?
Im just having such a hard day...everything is making me cry. I do mean everything. I still have so much anger towards him that I want to let out ON HIM just so I CAN fill better if only for one day.
I think part of me wanting him to text me is because it makes me feel like he still "needs" me.....its nice to be needed, but I want to be wanted as well.
I just dont understand and i dont think he does either, why he is so able to be open and talk to me when we are not together....is that just how its meant to be....better off as friends?
OK, I need some motivation to get through this today....
tears coming again...ugh~ hate this.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
It is very hard to let go no matter how bad they hurt you. Why is that?
IMHO, I think every person is different. So each of us will let go, detach, whatever you want to call it when we finally get to a place where we REALLY realize that the OLD M is totally freaking dead and nothing YOU do can revive it. It must die it’s own death in it’s own time. For me it has been a very painful process. One that honestly I still struggle with some days. You may not see it in my post Kissak but I too still ache, still hurt. That hurt is natural and MUST be felt. So as much as I or anyone else tells you to detach – do it how and when you feel most comfortable. The key is to do it with NO anger, which trust me is very tough.
Quote:
I still have so much anger towards him that I want to let out ON HIM just so I CAN fill better if only for one day.
Kissak – I feel ya. Man, sometimes I want to smack my W upside her head and tell her a few things; however, as that anger in me subsided, what I realized is that what I really wanted to tell her was….just how much I love her and that IF she would wake the f up we could fix this. I cannot because I cannot fix her. I can only fix myself. So….the anger you feel is understandable BUT it will go away if YOU let it. So how do you? You cry Kissak. You flat out cry your eyes out. You feel it. You take those days and crawl under the covers and just cry. Then when you feel that you are done crying….you cry some more.
What you should NOT do (at least not now) is to hurl the anger at HIM. It does you and him NO good. Yeah it may make you feel better for a few days BUT in the end it will NOT take away the deeper anger and pain that you have.
Take your time Kissak….take your time.
Quote:
I think part of me wanting him to text me is because it makes me feel like he still "needs" me
Kissak, this is your insecurities speaking. I know – I have them myself. The hardest thing in this process is getting to a place where you realize that YOU do not NEED anyone perse. Want yes – Need – NO.
Quote:
.....its nice to be needed,
Yes it is…so as the DB principals suggest – change how you look at things. So…how about you look at things this way….
Right NOW Kissak NEEDS Kissak. Yep, you need you right now. The real you. The you that is around when no else is around. The you that right now is a little scared, hurt BUT also pulling her internal resources to make it through this hard time. You really can do this Kissak. IF the “this” is becoming the person you always wanted to be! As for your H – he may see this and begin his own journey of killing and slaying his demons.
Quote:
but I want to be wanted as well.
You are wanted! You may not see it but I will suggest that you read your thread…psst…hint….remember the wonderful friends and family you talked about? I’m sure they want you. So yes Kissak you are wanted. Stand up today, cry, scream if you must, go for a nice long walk, hand out drinks at you pity party tonight AND THEN…
GET UP GIRL
Realize JUST HOW STRONG YOU ARE.
AND CHOOSE…
CHOOSE to accept that today is a bad day BUT tomorrow is another!
Quote:
I just dont understand and i dont think he does either
How do I get my grandmother in a nursing home to understand that she cannot remember that she has Alzheimer’s? I can’t.
Kissak I am pretty sure that I was also in a crisis for several years. Could anyone tell me I was? NO. I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it UNTIL I looked inside. WHEN I DID, well then I changed! The same can happen to your H. It really can. For now, just keep living your life cause you matter Kissak. May not feel it right now – but YOU do.
Quote:
why he is so able to be open and talk to me when we are not together....is that just how its meant to be....better off as friends?
Let me ask you a question……
On day 1 when you met your H did you guys run to the alter to get married? I bet not. So how did your M start? Psst…hint…(fill in the missing letters) F_I_N_D_.
If you figure out the word (I think you will) read your quote above it again.
Finally, who decides who is in your life?
Who decides who is not in your life?
Who decides what you will eat for dinner tonight?
Who decides if you are going to play powerball tonight (if you win – let me know please)?
You decide. Right?
So I guess you decide if You can and want what you have with your H.
Going dark, dim, does not mean it is over. “It” being whatever R that YOU define.
Have a good weekend Kissak and know that you are not alone.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you Eric....You sure know how to put things in perspective for me sometimes.
I think maybe I do just need a really good cry..this weekend may be good for that...the kids will be with their dad so....it just may be time....although I have done quite a bit of crying already today...
Pray for me...got lots of financial problems right now along with some things that I desperatly need for work that are tearing up that will cost over $1000 to fix....just say a prayer for me...seems everything is just piling up on me today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
K, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Instead of looking at the huge picture of what's going on, break down the items and work on one thing at a time...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I and I am sure many others will pray for you. What I will say is right now as hard as this is YOU MUST BELIEVE.
Believe that everything in time will work out.
I can relate to the financial difficulties. More than you can imagine. Guess what, worry about them will not make them go away.
As snodderly suggested, break it down into little pieces and start working on them one at a time.
Rome was not built in a day
Marriages are not broken by one incident
Marriage are not fixed in a day either
Self improvement / growth is not done in day
Everything in life....takes time.
Kissak, you will be okay. This too shall pass -
BELIEVE IT!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
