I have been reading on this forum for a couple of month now, and just registered. I have read a lot of post and see a lot of people in the same situation as me. What I have gotten out of all this is that no matter what you do it is up to yourself to find a way to be happy about your own life. I to have been in a sex starved marrige for about 10 years now. I feel all the same emotions and have experienced most of the same situations, and quite frankly I am tired of being miserable.
We have been stuck in the same routine of having sex about once a month always on her terms and never really when I need it or want it. I am tired of feeling lonely and unwanted and feeling like there is something wrong with me. I am tired of the constant worry. I am tired of even thinking about and just long for happier days. I am better than this and deserve better this. I think I am a good Husband and father and do most of the right things. I have asked my wife is there something I am doing or not doing and she says no. I know I am just rambling and venting.
I have decided to break the cycle and tell her that I do not want this anymore. I am better than this and deserve better than this. Sex once a month on her terms does not fulfull my needs. I am expected and I think I do a good job of meeting her needs. At least that is what she tells me and my intent is to meet her needs because being in a loving marriage that is what two people do. When she is ready to work on this part of our marriage I will be here.
I am venting and rambling and sorry so thanks for listening. Any comments are welcom
Hello Tired, it's slow around here on weekends so just be patient and more "vet types" will chime in later.
I too have been in a SSM for a long time--13 or so years--once a month with an H that watches porn. He will say it's me, and all I know is that I have done my best to "get to him" but it seems that the stars have to align and jupiter has to be with mars, etc, before we can have sex. He is a perfectionist and is never satisfied with....much of anything anymore!
I did a TON of work and I am totally not sorry--Read Gary Chapman's 5 LL book if you haven't--it's a favorite. I can pick out someone's LLs a mile away now (good to know for friends and relatives, kids, another R in the future, etc).
There are other books that will be suggested--spend some time reading them and getting to know some of the sitch's here.
And then, in my opinion, give your S an ultimatum. If you have kids, some people say to spell it out what will happen when they turn 18 if things do not change.
But do a lot of work first--the last thing you want to do is marry the same "type" because you didn't do the work. It seems a lot of the "too nice types" do get sucked right back into a similar sitch if they don't work on themselves big-time first. If you think this may be you, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
The other reason you want to do the work is so you can minimize the guilt--my H thought that I would leave him (because I did spell out what I was going to do if the sitch didn't change) and then I started to lose weight, GAL, etc, and he went and filed in Aug.
The work I did has helped me to stay strong and focused, have very little guilt, and help me detach from my H. I love him, but not "in love" with him. This is really not my personality to be so strong and detached. I give these boards and God all the credit.
I know the pain of living like you are--it's mind numbing. Since filing I have had male attention and validation and while I've not yet explored anything (I will wait until the D is final) I see that all the work I have done on myself has made me confident in having a different outcome in the future. I have something that is so, so precious and that is hope.
I would say that if you have just now signed up for the online community, it is far too soon to give up. Check out profiles for Silly Old Bear and Young at Heart for men who have been able to turn their situations around. You are only learning what you need to learn.
It is painful. There's no question about that. But don't give up yet. Do the work first, for you, for her and then, after a year or so if there has been ZERO change (read The Divorce Remedy too!), then you can walk away with some semblance of peace.
Not a solution I would recommend, but I've watched HBO's Big Love and fantasized about the fun of having multiple wives. It seems the odds are that there will always be a wife who wants sex that night. The delicious thought of having sex be a virtual certainty every night is enough of a fantasy to make my head spin. Never had that in real life, not even in the best days of my marriage, unfortunately.
Thanks for the comments!! I don't think I will be taken on any additional wives soon. lol I have read some of the 5 love languages. I guess I should tell more of my stroy. I have been with my wife for about 19 years married for 14 years. the marriage R was great in the beginning and up to when we had our first kid. This is when things started to go bad. She seemed to get angry and upset all the time, after about two years things got a little better. Sex was still low but better again. When we had our second child things got bad again. The sex stopped we became distant and I emotionally withdrew. After a couple of years she came around and was trying to work on the marrige but I was resentful. After a while we did work on the marriage and things got better. The physical part of our relationship still suffered. The frequecy of sex was about once a month. We had a Third child and about six months later I found out she had a EA with a old friend and I put a stop to it. Needless to say it caused a lot of stress on our marriage. We seem to work through everyting and started working us again. This seems to be good again and worked through all the issues, but again sex is still maybe once a month. We have had a lot of talks about it. Staying up until 2:00 in the morning smoking cigerettes. I have told her how I feel and she is fully aware of it. She has said she just cannot get excited and her body does not work like mine. She does not wanna talk about it and we have not talked about for about sex month. Nothing has gotten better and I am at my wits end. I love her and my family and I could never leave. I feeled trapped and times. It consumes me! I told her she should see a doctor but she hasn't. I do not know if she is afraid or what? so much more to right and this is just a brief description but I could write a book. lol I am just lost!!
Not a solution I would recommend, but I've watched HBO's Big Love and fantasized about the fun of having multiple wives. It seems the odds are that there will always be a wife who wants sex that night. The delicious thought of having sex be a virtual certainty every night is enough of a fantasy to make my head spin. Never had that in real life, not even in the best days of my marriage, unfortunately.
Solution is to find a single wife, who enjoys having monogamous sex almost every night. They are out there, ones who don't want to cheat, and who are going to need to have you almost every night.
1) There is hope. I was you one year ago. I could write your story. I was just more angry.
2) Of the 6 billion people on the planet, there is only one who is completely subject to your will. That is the person on whom you can effect the greatest change. Work on that person.
3) You can't talk your way out of this. You will never say it so that she understands. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Change you first. Read "Sex Starved Marriage" by Michelle Weiner-Davis (our host here). Change you first. I tried all sorts of "tactics" but none of it worked until I CHANGED ME. (strategy)
5) Go ALL IN. Become an expert on your family and what's going on. It's YOUR FAMILY, do not withdraw. Know what's going on with everyone.
6) PISS YOUR WIFE OFF. Do not be afraid of her. Do not appease her to get sex. Make YOU happy. The next time that she does something unacceptable, set a boundary. (Do it within 24 hours the first time, get faster after that) Look up coach's excellent thread on boundaries. "Wife, when you *blank*, I feel *blank*. I can't live with that any more. If you *blank* again, I will *blank*." Here was mine: Wife when you speak to the children like that, I feel that they are being verbally abused. If you speak to them like that again, I will tell you to leave the room. If you don't, I will take the kids and leave the house." She screamed. She cried. She accused. She tested. Our marriage and sex life got better.
7) Let go of resentment. It is the marriage killer. If you are going to resent doing something, don't do it. Do the chores that you want to do because you want to do them not because it makes her happy or gets you sex.
I WAS YOU. Sunday night, I did unspeakable things to my wife for almost 2 hours. (we're at 2.5 to 3 times a week now)
Your wife may not change, but you'll be in a much better spot when you leave her if you change you. Because the assertive confident guy that I just described won't wait forever to his wife to catch up. She's still at home. There's still time. Go get her tiger.
thanks Spin free. Please let me know more about your sitch. I don't think I am mister nice guy tho. I am not afraid of my wife and I do know all that is going on in my family. I am very much apart of my kids lives. I will read the book tho, it does sound interesting. Maybe I am missing something. I do have to let go of the resentment tho, I think that is what is consuming me. I don't do thing just for sex. I think she should want me for me not for what I do. I do things around the house because I feel not everything should fall on her. Our work load are probably 60/40 with her doing more than me because she is home all day. help. With that said maybe I do need to make some changes because she isn't and things cannot stay the same.
Solution is to find a single wife, who enjoys having monogamous sex almost every night. They are out there, ones who don't want to cheat, and who are going to need to have you almost every night.
And what do I do with my current wife, with whom I'm still in love in spite of the lack of sex. And what about the kids?
You've only addressed the easy part. Hence my fantasy where I wouldn't have to give up anyone.
Solution is to find a single wife, who enjoys having monogamous sex almost every night. They are out there, ones who don't want to cheat, and who are going to need to have you almost every night.
And what do I do with my current wife, with whom I'm still in love in spite of the lack of sex. And what about the kids?
You've only addressed the easy part. Hence my fantasy where I wouldn't have to give up anyone.
Your killing yourself waiting on her. I'd give it the one year over all time limit. I would ask for religious counsel on the marriage, marriage counselling with a marriage-friendly and male friendly marriage counselor, and also sexual therapy.
If she does not want to participate and take it serious it means you are in a relationship by yourself. You leave.
Don't be like other men and man up and end up being tortured for 20 plus years of your life because you where too proud to leave someone who does not value you.
