Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
Be careful TH, speaking the truth like that might get your posts censored ;-)
I wouldn't tell them. The books/this site were not designed for that. I would try to get them to read books like The Truth About Love, The Five Languages of Love, etc. I think that would be much more productive.
If offering one of these books to your WAS, without a desperate or patronizing attitude, at least it's an honest attempt to make things better and not manipulate.
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
I agree that people come here because they are codependent, have never learned to set boundaries, and are often closet controllers/victims. If it takes them several months to learn more effective behaviours, that's expected and fine. Coming back to this site a second time, however, suggests that they have not internalized/stuck with the necessary changes.
I don't know that "tactics are paper crap in the end" if they're used as intended. At the end of her book for wives, MWD tells them that they probably bought the book thinking they were going to change their husbands--but look what happened: they've been forced to change themselves.
The same is true of all the DB "tactics" I believe: they start with the LBS "faking it" to gain some control over their situation, but they end, in most cases, with self-respecting adults who demand healthy relationships. These tactics are something for the bombed LBSer to cling to while making the necessary changes to him/herself.
My wife knows about this site, after we pieced. But to my knowledge has not been here, if she did she'd figure out who I am damn quick. She listens to the "Keeping Love Alive" CDs. She has talked with a few on the phone, meet one in the real world.
But giving her the play book, if all this happens again?
: )
Ain't going to happen again. Not because I won't allow her to, but I won't allow myself to. If she goes WAW on me, I'll look to the problems I let creep back into myself, fix those and move along.
Once? A mistake; more than once, and now your looking at the possibility of a repeating history and pattern.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I wouldn't tell them. The books/this site were not designed for that. I would try to get them to read books like The Truth About Love, The Five Languages of Love, etc. I think that would be much more productive.
Those books on love are productive at a certain level.
If your spouse is involved with any addiction, or dealing with emotional abuse of any level, those books won't help you.
Sorry but I find there's way too much chat about love as a tool to resolve marriages at risk here and not enough about protecting yourself from abuse...
There IS a limit... And I don't hear that discussed nearly enough...
I agree with the people who said that there's no worries about the spouse knowing the tactics in case of a "next time," because if there's a next time, I am fo' sho' gone. I made that very clear to my H, that if he's dissatisfied or has a problem with me or our marriage, he is to be a big boy and talk to me instead of holding on to it and then falling into an EA with some tramp.
The thing about DBing is that, on the surface, it seems to be about manipulation, and I suspect some people enter into the practice with that in mind. However, truly applied, it is a reflective process that taught me how to detach from expectations, communicate better, set boundaries, and become happy with myself. I wanted H to remove his head from his buttocks, but I'd reached the point where it was just peachy if he didn't. I was okay with ME.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
