Sandi's Place

[gutwrenching]

Suggestions on goals for Time:
1) No contact with OM for 24 hours
2) Do one loving action for your H today even if you don't feel it
3) Some type of exercise

[New Life]

Hi gang!

I'm really to have all these perspectives, from the ladies and husbands of WAWs. Mike... For a minute there I thought you might be my H talking to me through this board, Lol!

Although extremely hard to get my head into it last night (nearly panic attack!) being engrossed in my school activities last night, this morning really helped me. Just tallking to the other Moms, kids, etc. helped alot.

Yes, I had a text waiting last night for me from OM when I left the school.
I didn't 't want other parents seeing me hanging out in parking lot on my phone, so I went and parked in my neighborhood, and did text back that I was driving home and read all of your replies. Lol, this forum is starting to take the place of the OM (that's good, right?) in that I am spending more time and energy here, communicating with this support group rather than OM.

Unfortunately, H and kids immersed in their own stuff when I came in. I went and sat by my H in the chair with him, and he went into all the technicality of what he was working on... Not taking the hint that I came and sat next to him for a little affection. Oh well... I'm trying to do this more, although yesterday and the dark night I was so upset that I just isolated in my room.

Being out and involved with school things definitely gave me more perspective and less need "in the light of day".

Last night I immediately took sleeping aid (usually I would stay up late to text OM because he is in an earlier time zone). So when I did wake up and check phone, he had messages about an hour earlier (I slept through it thank God, whereas I'd normally be watching my phone and ready to respond immediately to OM). I did leave him a groggy, innocent (REALLY) text, and also my usual Good morning message today.

Since I was up at the school early, got involved with the excitement of the day's activities and texting instead with other excited Mommies and our D's! That felt so good to have those healthy interactions that I haven't felt the need today to chat with OM.

Now, I know this is going to sound weird, but I have this pathological need to beat OM in one last chess match. I guess it symbolizes me regaining control again -- I have not been able to win a match since this turned from friendship to
romance 3 weeks ago. 13 days ago we had a "Draw" match, and he has beaten me 4 or 5 rounds since then! Now, the thing is... I used to always win and it's feeling like a dominance over me, which can be a very sexy thing from what I' ve been reading. I'm wonder if that's part of my problem with H...he doesn't assert himself with me. ironically, neither did OM until about a month ago when he started playing much more aggressively with me?! And beating me... Previously, I could distract him and "steal" his pieces -- and he would tell me outright "Only you can do that"... Hmmm... Just analyzing a bit? Was that a seduction?

Who knew chess could hold so much intrigue? And that's part of the attraction, since I like intelligent men. Don't get me wrong, my H is brilliant but not playful or flirtatious with me. Previously indulgent, but not so much lately... Does he suspect something?

So, I guess I'm just saying mentally the chess is a big part of it. Tension with every move, feeling ravished when he took my Queen. Lately, I've had the conscious need to win, rather than just surrender to him. Do I sound nuts???
Who else would find chess so erotic?

Lately, much more distance in our playing... Tension yes, but not all the comments back and forth in each move.
For my part, realizing that the reciprocity had slowed if not stopped. For example, (Eeeech again) I was sharing much more info on myself, You Tube videos, pictures and not getting those in return. Now, I'm sure he doesn't have as much time on his hands (single father of 4!).

Ok... Here's a big bomb. He doesn't know I'm married! Terrible, terrible I know.
So, I really do feel I'm cheating on both the OM and mty H. It wasn't a big deal when we were just friends, but now...
The last few days I've been dropping hints around the topic, but he hasn't taken the bait to ask more questions.

[gutwrenching]

I see a lot of rationalizing what you are doing. I'm going to give you the LBH perspective...and that's what I see. No I don't understand it, but if you keep rationalizing that its just a few texts or just one more match, I suspect 2 text grows into 4 which grows into 6, etc. And one chess match grows into best 2 out of 3 and then 3 out of 5, etc.

I know my W tried to break it off with OM a couple of times. She has told me. Then a simple email of hows it going, or did you see this, or something from one of them would just spark and rekindle things back to full blown EA communication again.

You aren't cheating on OM. You can't cheat on someone your not married too, haven't even met, etc. Get those thoughts out of your brain, please.

24 hours, no contact, that should be your #1 goal right now...in my opinion

[New Life]

Thank you GW. what would be a good loving thing for H? Hmmmm....
I'm going to work on this list.

When in withdrawal over OM, much harder to be affectionate with H.
I'm wondering.... Sandi and FMV help out here...
Would it be so bad just to let thing with OM fizzle out (minimize texting, avoid weak times, no flirting or sharing stuff?) for a while, so I'm not such a compLete basket case???

The exercise, and self-care, although not easy for me, seem to be the foundation for this process. As I feel better about myself, I think I will be more confident to reach out to H and ask him for my needs/work on R. Honestly, right now I've felt very powerless with husband... Even before EA, not taking care of myself at all and in a very deep physical and mental depression

[New Life]

Yes, GW I see what you are saying.

But that 29 hours of going dark was tough on my family... They had nom idea why I just sat in the bathtub, dark room for 6 hours that night. I hate not being able to function for my kids.

I know, I know... I'm rationalizing. But I do feel I need to pick a day/ time when I don't need to be " on" and functioning well. Right now I'm chairing several events for my kid's schools with big deadlines approaching, many meetings. In a way, that is good because I can put my time, thoughts, energy there instead of into "chess".

Also, this weekend, H and I will be attending a dress-up adults only fundraiser for school... I thought I'd put alot of time and energy into dressing up for H.
He's usually the type to say don't worry about make-up,etc. Because I don't need it -- but in a way, I think I do in order to feel sexy for him? And, then I could just give him alot of attention... Maybe even a real kiss? We are usually so busy working these events that we don't have time to enjoy them as a couple, but I intentionally did NOT volunteer us for clean-up, etc. Not expecting alot, but just trying to switch those fantasies to my H. And my REAL life.

Guys... And gals... Is this too soon?

[fb2]

Hmm. It's like your on drugs. Checkmate! No more OM.

[New Life]

You are spot on here

OM wrote to me " you're beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, caring, and unselfish."
Wow, that was one screenshot that was hard to delete.

He even told me what a great Mom I am, when I'd agonize over parenting decisions.

All the things I'd love to hear from H.

Absolutely ego food (for which I'm starving).

Sigh... The age difference was NOT part of my fantasy! At first, that was a huge deal breaker for me. Maybe 5 or 6 years younger... But 20??? No way.
However, it's actually become refreshing because he's much more open and accepting than men our age.

Sadly, I think he is really looking for someone, and told me that's what he wants. He was even jealous of me playing chess with other people. He has always been really respectful of me... So, I do feel guilty. I feel him pulling back though, and that's good.

[New Life]

Maybe he'll go dark on me... That might be easiest.

[New Life]

You are SO right!

[Mike.4545]

Suggestions on goals for Time:
1) No contact with OM for 24 hours
2) Do one loving action for your H today even if you don't feel it
3) Some type of exercise

A big +1 for these ideas GW! I would also add ending the night with a nice movie and a decent bedtime! Listen to these suggestions Time!

I also agree completely with what GW is saying about your rationalizations of why it's ok to stay in contact with the OM, even if it seems harmless to you. Any and ALL contact you maintain with this OM is HARMING you, your marriage, your family, and your husband. I know it's tough, but there is no in-between with this. Telling yourself you just need to play him in chess until you can win is an EXCUSE you're feeding yourself! Don't fall for it...That's the addiction talking.

I can just share my experience as a LBH with you. Finding out about my wife's affair is the single most devastating and painful thing I've ever experienced in my life! Please don't continue down this path because it will end very very bad for everyone involved in your life. Please do not forsake all others in your search for happiness. I don't believe any true happiness can be found by hurting other people...especially the ones that are most important to us.

I think you need to do the following immediately:

1. Tell this OM that you can't communicate or interact with him again. Make up an excuse if need be. But make sure he knows that you need to end your friendship with him and that he shouldn't contact you anymore...for anything.

2. Get in your husbands face about the troubles in your marriage. NO more hints, NO more suggestions, NO beating around the bush. Be completely up front and DIRECT. I know you may think that you're making your needs obvious to your husband, but it sure doesn't seem to be working does it? Spell it out for him...(If things don't change and we get help, then I don't think this marriage will last) This will get his attention!

3. Work on yourself. Follow all the advice here on how to do that. Focus on your health, on your family, on your career, finances, home improvement, etc. Anything that could truly benefit your life and well-being. That is all health-food for your life. Your relationship with another man outside your marriage is complete poison!

Sorry if I sound harsh or anything...I just know what kind of destruction this behavior brings and there isn't anybody, or anything in this world that is worth the pain and heartache that will ensue if you continue down this path.

I've done so much for my wife that she'll never know or understand. Sure I had my faults and didn't always do what my wife wanted me to. I didn't go to sleep with her often enough, I was argumentative with a quick defensive temper, and apparently didn't make her feel like #1 in my life. But I did tell her every day that I loved her, that she was beautiful, hug her, kiss her, slap her on the ass, rub her back, and cook with her. In the end, I was doing what I thought she wanted...Not what she really wanted. Make sure you know what you need and convey that to your husband. Ask him the same thing. Find out what he needs and start doing those things.

Stay strong and good luck with all of this. I know it's not easy at all...but it's worth it.

Mike =O)