Thank you everyone. It is so true - in that intense atmosphere - we are all about LOVE. The love of a son, brother, nephew, grandson, friend. My Ryan means a lot to many - the least of which is his dad.
I'm sure Chuck must have felt strange. Seeing Josh's comfort rather than his own. One of Ryan's daily nurses who was there just called me. She said that I should have seen Ashley's face when Josh arrived and she realized both of them were standing around that bed. But everyone calmed down because no one said the wrong thing or acted estranged. Chuck asked my siblings about their kids whom he had not seen in over 9 years. So strange to learn that the youngest was now in high school!
Chuck phoned me this morning to see how things were going. I know he had called in several times to the ICU. He told me he will go there after work. I did not tell him that I won't be there. Who knows? I might decide to stay. He did mention that he did not know my cel # - he had called me on Ryan's which I had in my purse. I did not give it to him as he didn't ask for it. Just decided to keep carrying Ryan's as well.
Ryan opened his eyes and focussed on me. He squeezed my hand the whole time I was there. His respirator rate was cut down as low as possible so he may be able to come off it soon. We just need to get the seizures under control and figure out why they're happening.
Oh Barb, I don't come here much but decided to have a quick look. I am so sorry to hear about Ryan but happy things are looking up. Strange I did the exact thing a few years back when I nearly lost my daughter and g/son. After no communication for years the first person I called was my x. I know he loved her very much,does I guess, just has a funny way of showing it. I also stippulated no wife (OW). He respected that. I will keep you all in my prayers. Chin up sister you have strength we can only dream of.
Thanks! And wow - Naej - strange that at times like this is when our exes come out of the woodwork.
I posted that Chuck was the "least" of the important people in Ryan's life but that was a Typo. I meant to say "not the least". Whatever...
I was exhausted - never figured out how sitting still in a hospital room can take more out of you than running a marathon - but I'm well familiar with it.
I had a cat scan today myself. The dept was right next to the ICU so that was convenient. Nothing much to worry about - just some hearing issues I've had of late.
Ryan's cat scan showed nothing so that is good - brain tumour was a possibility.
I waited till 6 PM on the dr - it is always important to see him and get the reports. I was tired and hungry (had to fast for the cat scan). Had planned to leave before Chuck arrived but was still there. And he looked awful. Really awful. Haggard, aged, bloodshot eyes. I'm sure this is difficult for him too. Worse, perhaps since guilt must play into it as he is clearly "out of the loop". But regardless...
We were both civil and I was informative. He gave me other ways to contact him while he is at work and asked who is called in emergencies if I'm out of town. I told him that I am always called on my cel. I knew where he was going with it but I did not give in.
I left soon after he arrived and to his credit - he called tonight to let me know what had transpired while he was there.
So we have, without anticipation, arrived at a decent way to communicate about important things. 2 days ago I would never have thought it possible.
I appreciate your prayers and support. Like Fig says - Seizures Suck. I have lived years of them. Not good.
I've never seen him look so awful. He can barely speak without his voice cracking with emotion. He has continued to call me to check on Ryan and even to update me when he was there but I was not. SO strange as he has not been involved in his care for a long long time. And even strange that I'm letting him. (OK - I am a control freak).
It has been interesting in another way. I used to want to scream at him when I saw him for the injustice and pain he caused me - all of us. I wanted to ask him a thousand times "How could you do this to us?". But in the past 2 days when I've seen him - I felt nothing. No anger. No love. Just nothing. It was Josh who I wanted my comfort from. I responded to Chuck's hug out of kindness, nothing more.
My feelings are hard to describe. I can only say that the best thing I did for me during the past 9 years since he left was to finally cut off contact. Not seeing him or talking to him or just being angry with him made me move forward. And get past it all.
I'm exhausted this morning. Ashley called out to me for some reason at 2:15 and I never got back to sleep. I'll be a mess today no doubt.
And no word on Ryan. The nurse was busy with him when I called so I have to wait a half hour for a report.
