Saw things clearer once you're in my rearviewmiror

[ImprovedRomeo]

NM, sorry i do know you're now single and free- just a habit to write STBX. BTW, did you celebrate your freedom and let him know:

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!"

NL, no problem about the hijack, my thread hasn't seen this kind of action in a while...I'm sure you can relate

But in all seriousness, I feel for you! It's unhealthy and affects other aspects of your life when you can't have a good sexual bond with your spouse. I'm picking up my jaw from reading it's been 5 years??! I have no idea how you've managed to not go crazy since you live with a man that you're physically attracted to. While STBXW wasn't exactly thrilled about sex either the dry spells were not nearly as long- a month or two would be the longest- I'm more a every other day type of a guy if I could have it my way...just so everyone's clear it wasn't me LOL. However, she had some medical issues and high dosage of ADs which affected her drive after having DD. Does your H have something similar? Because what guy doesn't like sex, it's usually the other way around. Then again I'm no Dr. love here. Have you sat him down and had a serious conversation? I don't think he realizes it's a big deal to you. It's important that he knows exactly how you feel and how you may even be frustrated to the point where you're considering something that you've never thought about doing before. Just in a nice way, two adults having a conversation - not an ultimatum...and then see if he's willing to seek professional/medical help. Perhaps you've already done all this? I mean short of slipping viagra into his drinks what else can you do? But hey you could try that too!

You sound like a good W and a dedicated mother. I hope things work out between you and your H- I really do NL! As for stating a new thread I think it'll be helpful for you, and while we're happy to host you in this section, there is a special SSM section on this board. You'll likely get more useful replies there from those in similar situations as you. I mean let's be honest many of us here don't get much action either but it's for other reasons- reasons beyond our immediate control

Sol, keep up the good work and Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

Have bitchin' holiday everyone!

[New Life]

Thanks Romeo for giving me the male perspective...
I guess I came here first over my anxiety and guilt when my frienship with OM turned into EA a little over a month ago...

So, my immediate concern was breaking the addiction to OM, and all of those glorious PEA brain chemicals that come with new love. He didn't care that I was older, and I sent pics (ewew, yes... I did that) to make sure he really understood. But, because we we were so close as friends, it just evolved...

So...needless to day, this revved up my sadness over my own SSM again, since it's so great with EA, and I was frightened of it becoming PA. As I said, there have been temptations in the past, but I'm always the "good girl" who turns her frustrations on herself instead of succumbing.

So... I came here and to Sandi's Place to get the male perspectives, as well as not get crucified for my EA -- which has been TOUGH to give up.

Honestly, it's been separate bedrooms for so long, I'm close to being a WAW but don't want it to be for OM, and want to work on my own internal issues and M first. I found a IC 2 weeks ago who specializes in Love Addictions, that has been SO helpful in separating realities from fantasies about EA.

Sorry this is long winded, but long story short.., I ended up here for motivation to end EA, which was wonderful... And pulled me out of a long, deep dark depression about my SSM -- so I am thankful for EA. Just don't want it to ruin my H or kids lives.

Right now I'm focusing on finding my way back to MYSELF, and standing up to H and yes, even kids for what I want. Before H, always had strong sex life with college fiancé -- and yup, realizing I NEED that to feel connected, intimate and loving to my partner. I mean ... Why else do you pick up
a man's dirty laundry, Lol???

With H, I guess I felt a little ashamed sex was so important to me. Sure, after kids, etc my desire was down, but in general our sex life has beendisappointing to me since we married. I was really hurt when I was pregnant, and NO sex... For some reason I really wanted the closeness then, had very high desire and LOVED showing my boobs!!! Even when the doc suggested it to bring on labor, Nope. Now maybe guys just don't go for pregnant women, but I guess that was really the beginning of the end for me. 16 years ago. Can't count on one hand now how many encounters we've had.

I just don't get it, but after EA... Not going to settle for this for the test of my life. I thought I was dead until EA, and the only thing to live for was kids:((

so... Romeo, thanks for letting me know it's not just slutty old me!!!

[New Life]

PS: no, H takes no meds...
Did find some online Porno about 10 years ago, which really hurt me when he could have the real thing.
Yeah, it was harder when the kids were little, but don't you make time for things that are important?

In every other way he is a good H, I know he adores me which is the only reason I've stuck around. Honestly, after all this... I have lost some attraction to him.

I was ready to jump my dentist the other day!!! My H has no idea what he's done...

[Reincarnated]

My H has no idea what he's done...

Why? Sounds like you might want to learn some communication techniques, especially after you have worked on and continue to work on knowing what you want. Make sure he is in the loop and understands where you are. Good luck...


And Happy Thanksgiving, Romeo!!

[newmama]

New Life, just fyi-- you can totally start a new thread and we will come and reply to you! Seriously! Just click on "New Topic" under the appropriate forum

[OldFool]

IR:

Don't be surprised that you don't have much to post. As things move forward, you will find you need this board and all of us who have followed your sitch less and less. For a time, we play the role of lifeline...the thing that keeps you from going insane, the thing that helps you avoid doing something stupid, the thing that reminds you that you are not alone.

But that doesn't last forever. As you continue to adjust (and, ultimately, embrace) your new life, you will one day find that...like kikisum and the many others we've come to know...you simply don't need us anymore. That sounds sad, but it's not. It means you have made it. You may still wander around here a bit like me, but you will come here not for yourself, but for others.

As for my "drive-bys" (as you put it), I do keep up with your sitch but have learned over the years that one needn't comment on everything. If I have no salient comment to make or others have done so as well or better than I could, I simply stay silent. However, that doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Keep up the good work.

NL:

Please...start your own thread. I remember the difficulty in doing that back when I was first lurking on the boards. I don't know if you feel this way, but for me, I hated to make that first move because it seemed to legitimize my situation. Once I created that thread, it seemed to make the whole thing just too real. However, I did and I'm glad I did.

At the risk of getting dinged by the mods, I have some perspective I'd like to share with you that may be of value to you (though you may not care to hear it). I say perspective, not advice, because in most areas I don't think men can successfully give women advice (or vice versa)...but they can give valuable perspective. I'm sure there are others that would offer their ideas as well but, like me, may be reluctant to hijack IR's thread. If you start one up, I'll be there (though that may be as good a reason as any NOT to).

Speaking of mods, I have also been dinged in the past. When I first started here, this was the one place to go where you got the straight scoop. No sugar coating. While everyone else was stroking your ego, if you really wondered what the deal was, this was where you came. The term "giving you a two-by-four" was well-used and in most cases, necessary. No one was being cruel...just honest and straightforward. It is unfortunate that the mods seem to have confused mean with honest and inappropriate with uncomfortable.

Ironically, this seems to be in direct opposition to Ms. Weiner-Davis' own philosophy. She speaks at length about useless therapists who spend their time rehashing your past and telling you that whatever it is you're doing is the right thing. If you want your ego stroked, therapists that will take your money and tell you want you want to hear are a dime-a-dozen. Having a place with straight talk is not only necessary, it is strikingly rare.

I appreciate the concern that clear talk may scare away those that are not ready to face their issues. However, when you are in denial about reality, the unvarnished truth is often the only thing that can snap you out of it. They used to say, "Give 'em hell, Harry" (Truman, former US President). When once asked by a reporter about it after he had left office, he said, "I never gave 'em hell. I just told them the truth and they thought it was hell." It's a sad day when the truth cannot be spoken for fear someone may find it uncomfortable.

OK...I'll get off my soapbox now. IR, hang in there, you're doing great. NL, it's good you're here. Don't make the mistake of figuring that making some kind of decision...even if it's wrong...is better than making no decision at all. Sometimes the best advice is, "Don't just do something, sit there."

[BobbiJo]

Hey IR,

Just hoping you had an outstanding holiday...guessing you guys don't do a lot of 'black Friday' shopping...

I am with you on the drive thing. I think 3 weeks was about the longest we ever went except after childbirth! And even then it was about 6 weeks...Once I get into a real relationship again a low-drive guy will be a total deal breaker!

So have you taken your hot little number out for a ride lately?

[New Life]

Old Fool...

Thanks. That certainly didn't feel Like a 2x4...

In a lot of withdrawal pain from OM, which I know nobody here wants to hear. Thinking if going to a 12 Step program tonight...
I know he didn't really love me... But it sure felt like something after so many decades of nothing.

[New Life]

How will you find me? I already feel so lost...

[OldFool]

That certainly didn't feel Like a 2x4...

I hate to tell you this, but I haven't even gone to the garage to get it yet. Truth is, I'm not yet certain you need one. Your comments suggest that although you really, really want the dream to be real (I think we can all relate), you have a nagging suspicion that it is, in fact, just that...a dream. That's a good place to start.

I probably should have made it clear that my comments after "Speaking of mods...." were not intended as a continuation of my comments to you. Instead, they were in reference to previously posted remarks about the seemingly new political correctness of the site.

In a lot of withdrawal pain from OM, which I know nobody here wants to hear.

Well, I don't know that I'd go quite that far. All marriages (even the great ones) don't meet each person's needs perfectly so I'd guess most folks here can at least understand the concept of wanting more of something we didn't get enough of. I would think most would be supportive of your efforts to address your temptation and would praise your resistance to engaging in a PA (the relationship equivalent of the military's "Daisy Cutter" bomb), but it is probably fair to say you may not find a groundswell of sympathy. I think most folks here are generally fair and objective, but many have suffered at the hands of others who have made the choices and taken the actions you are now contemplating and the wounds may still be a bit raw in some cases.

I know he didn't really love me... But it sure felt like something after so many decades of nothing.

It's amazing how much can be said...and in a way, not said...with so few words. This statement is a good place to start. Now, get cracking with that thread. If you want folks to find you, just post back to this thread with a link to your new thread. Can't figure how to do that? Then just give the name of your thread. Users can click on your handle to the left of the message to see all your posts and then simply pick the one with the title you provided.

IR: We now return your thread to its regularly scheduled programming. This has been a test of the DB emergency support system conducted in partnership with the owner and users of this thread.