Wonderful post, Barb, and wonderful news. You are a good mama. Not surprising that the tears are close to the surface - that means that you know in your heart that it is ok to be out of crisis mode.
So happy to hear that Ry is doing so much better! And good for you for letting the doctors know what is and is not acceptable for his discharge! You are an amazing mom. I think you earned the right to cry. I think it's normal after everything you've been through to have a little break down when you have the time. I think that is what we do as parents when our kids are in crisis....keep strong, keep going, then when we get a moment to breathe the emotions can erupt!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I understand everything you wrote. Ryan is definitely YOUR son with YOUR amazing spirit and strength.
What I wonder now is whether or not Chuck will become a more active part of Ryan's life now? And will you be able to allow it and handle it? I think a miracle happened in more than one way during this crisis.
Think long and hard about what the next step should be, might be...
Talked to the ICU tonight. They sound so happy just to be able to have Ryan there. Not in crisis! They don't get a treat like that very often. And many of them remember little Ryan...
I've been thinking a lot about what will happen next with Chuck. Tried to think of my responses before I am possibly asked certain things.
Ryan will NOT be up to going out with his dad or anyone else this week. Or possibly next. And I think it will be hard for Chuck to suddenly stop seeing him. I know this was hard on him too and each time I saw him we became more comfortable talking, being in each other's presence. I have learned to trust a bit more.
So - if he asks if he could come here to see him - I would let him. He has never been in my house. I never wanted him here. I wanted it to be "My House". But now I know I would do whatever was best for Ryan and if I let him be part of all that went on at the hospital - it would be kind of cruel to shut him out.
There is also the move to consider. It was tempting to talk to him about it during the crisis but I felt it wasn't the right time. I'm still not going to mention it till after Christmas. Unless the right moment just happens.
At any rate - it is better to be honest and up front with him and to not picture him as such a monster any more. We're not getting younger and maybe this is one of the final steps for me in "letting go". Not hating him anymore. Who would have ever thought that by "letting him back in" was actually "letting go"???
And I've been upfront with Josh about all contact with Chuck. And he doesn't think he's that scary guy I always moaned about. Now he has met him and seen him around both Ryan and Ashley.
Maybe I am reaching a place of more Peace in my life. I just had to go through Hell to get there.
Congratulations Barb...you sound as if you've finally reached the "other side" of all of this. You held onto your anger for a very long time. But now it's time to let it go.
Chuck stepped up for both Ryan AND for you during this crisis. The decent loving man does still exist somewhere deep inside -- and he chose to bring him forth. And I suspect that it probably cost him with Maggot. So he is definitely stronger than before and perhaps finally waking up from the fog. And you're right...it is odd how "letting them in" is actually a letting go.
You know I've said for all these long years we've both been here -- that the opposite of love is NOT hate...it is indifference.
It is a state some never reach. It sounds as if you've finally passed through the burdensome "hate" stage and are now entering a brand new phase.
I applaud your decision to now allow Chuck to come to your home - b/c you're right it would be very cruel to just cut him out of the loop after what's transpired the past 2 weeks.
And with you now in the lead in demonstrating your new level of forgiveness...your children will follow -- and that is the most wonderful gift you could possibly give all of them.
I know with my precious son who passed away...that he was most definitely our greatest teacher and exuded only love and grace as I am certain is the same way with your precious Ryan... I know I always sought to raise my game higher b/c of having been honored to have been entrusted with his care and blessed to know him -- even if for such a short time. This came to mind...
Ryan is home! He is resting. I was told he should spend more time in bed than up for the next little while. Give him time to recover further but away from all the germs in the hospital.
It is a relief to have him home but also a worry for the next little while. Not sure about sleeping tonight. Maybe I will sleep in his room.
