All that you say pertains in simplistic terminology to healthy communication/assertiveness. These I think can be looked at more as honed skills instead of just personality traits. If I had to assume anything I bet your H tuned ouorgor the sake of peace because of your "strong" as opposed to "gentle" approach. But there was a real nan with feelung and opinions in there. Sometimes men will get passive aggressive instead as a way to cope with the problem. Hey, but you seem to be aware and back on track! You truly were and are committed! How about the spiritual side?
I think it got onto a tangent about assertiveness.
I think the point is if you want to make your employer happy, and you are in a negative situation at work -- DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Along with that, your wife will probably be happier that you are taking action versus giving up, and doing nothing about it--OR making it worse.
Is that correct (that that was your point for discussion, or were you more interested in talking about assertiveness/manning up being strong and virulent), Coach?
[quote=dbmod]Because you are thinkingand not reacting to your feelings.
Correct--this is DBing--controlling your actions.
In DB lingo this is: almost..
detach (focus on the process not the outcome)
I'm GLAD you brought this up, because actually, the opposite is true, and yet you have a good point
In DBing--we DO focus on the outcome (set you rgoals, experiment, monitor results, modify accordingly), unless it isn't helping you to focus on the outcome (which I THINK is your point). But we are looking to achieve a goal. And that goal on a large scale is to restore your relationship, and on a small goal to turn the tide around (which makes you a success--and lots of success make a marriage. For instance soem folks come here on the board, turn their marriage around and they are successful. Then they either stop there, and do not continue growing their relationship, or worse, go back to their old behaviors, and find themselves back on the brink of divorce, or actually divorced).
drop the roap
mostly used by a group of folks on the board--but the technique, and DB lingo is DO NOTHING, if you want to look it up in the materials.
Drop the rope, means do nothing? In a good way or a bad way? Is it the same thing as the LRT or something different.
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
I think it got onto a tangent about assertiveness.
I think the point is if you want to make your employer happy, and you are in a negative situation at work -- DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Along with that, your wife will probably be happier that you are taking action versus giving up, and doing nothing about it--OR making it worse.
Is that correct (that that was your point for discussion, or were you more interested in talking about assertiveness/manning up being strong and virulent), Coach?
Sorry if I inadvertently steered the discussion off course. But Coach's first post on this thread does seem to say to me that women find assertiveness attractive in men. As to what I should do given the hypothetical situation: given what I know now I'd probably coldly replace the business partner or quit the partnership and ask for my money back along the lines of what Harrier wrote and this is not one of Coach's listed choices. BTW I do not see marriage as a business partnership or an employer-employee relationship - to me it's basis should be a much deeper commitment and not simply the primal laws of attraction or state income tax or other such civil law. People marry several times and have children with many sexual partners or out of wedlock, have affairs, divorce their spouses and collect a load of cash while they are living with someone else and no one blinks an eye. But unfortunately that's the level it has degenerated to. Even DBing addresses marriage at this superficial "attraction" level.
I agree--it was a little confusing as to which point he was trying to make, and my assumption comes from his answer a little earlier. I may be incorrect, it's just the way I read it.
Even DBing addresses marriage at this superficial "attraction" level.
Quote:
People marry several times and have children with many sexual partners or out of wedlock, have affairs, divorce their spouses and collect a load of cash while they are living with someone else and no one blinks an eye. But unfortunately that's the level it has degenerated to.
I don't quite understand -- where in DB do you think it says this?
I agree--it was a little confusing as to which point he was trying to make, and my assumption comes from his answer a little earlier. I may be incorrect, it's just the way I read it.
Even DBing addresses marriage at this superficial "attraction" level.
Quote:
People marry several times and have children with many sexual partners or out of wedlock, have affairs, divorce their spouses and collect a load of cash while they are living with someone else and no one blinks an eye. But unfortunately that's the level it has degenerated to.
I don't quite understand -- where in DB do you think it says this?
My point is ALL this behavior is "attraction" based instead of "commitment" based.
Well, ideally, when people get married they have this strong commitment that is attached to those words they promised when they married. That's our passion here. But it isn't the reality for many folks as you know all too well. So just to 'impose it' doesn't work. You have to work with what you've got to build it back--and then grow it if it wasn't as strong as it needs to be.
Well, ideally, when people get married they have this strong commitment that is attached to those words they promised when they married. That's our passion here. But it isn't the reality for many folks as you know all too well. So just to 'impose it' doesn't work. You have to work with what you've got to build it back--and then grow it if it wasn't as strong as it needs to be.
Why not apply this to serial murderers, rapists, bank robbers, insider traders, ... ? Just nurture them back to the fold with DB like techniques. The divorce rate is 50% largely because people can break their marriage commitment and get away with it. That said there's a lot of room for understaning and compassion.
SDFoundGirl. I've been reading some of your posts and I find myself agreeing with you, or relating to your story. Unfortnately for me, my story is just beginning, in relation to DB. Its funny, when my h and I were first together I was very easy going and couldn't make decisions. Then we married and he got a job where his on call 24/7 and barely around. With 3 little kids at home, I quickly became the decision maker, and he seemed to prefer that, and appeared happy to let me "run the show". I wasn't happy with this situation but I lived it. I tried to talk about feeling alone in the marriage, but it didn't change anything (obviously before I knew about DB, and making changes with myself...easier to blame him for all of it!) Then this Nov. he drops the I'm not happy, something is missing, ILYBINILWY, you've changed etc. This was the first time in almost 20 years together took a stand on something. I wish he has spoke up sooner.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
