I need to know how the "friendship option" works. Can someone, please, explain the relationship between a man and his wife, when they are separated and she is seeing OM?
At this point, I realize that my WOW is not going to end her affair. I've had the "boundaries" discussion and she promised lots of things, but nothing has changed. I'm convinced that there is nothing that I can say or do that will change her mind.
So, I have two options. I either put my foot down, go dark, or leave the relationship (as many of you have advocated) or I accept my new role as my wife's friend.
This is the pattern: she spends Saturday night and Sunday morning with OM. We enjoy each others company for the rest of the week. I have to assume they are having sex; I know for sure that we are not.
If I were stronger (more of a man) I'd move on; maybe I'd gain her respect. I don't know, but I can't do it. I enjoy her company too much; I want her in my life. Perhaps I'm showing weakness and I run the risk of losing her respect, but the alternative is too painful. I suppose that I've chosen to accept my fate.
So, how is the friendship game played? What is acceptable in a "friendship?" Where are the lines drawn? How does one conduct himself to preserve ones self-respect during this phase?
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation Sinclair. I can see how painful this is for you and how conflicted you are. Unfortunately, the reality is that what you are describing is actually an open marriage. Some people find those kind of relationships satisfying. It doesn't sound like you do. I would suggest you be very, very honest with yourself. When you say:
Originally Posted By: sinclair
If I were stronger (more of a man) I'd move on; maybe I'd gain her respect. I don't know, but I can't do it. I enjoy her company too much; I want her in my life. Perhaps I'm showing weakness and I run the risk of losing her respect, but the alternative is too painful. I suppose that I've chosen to accept my fate
it is clear tolerating the current situation has already cost you considerable self-respect. I don't know what's best for you and your marriage but I do think you need to recognize the situation for what it is, assess the true cost of chosing to accept behavior that appears to violate your values and then formulate a realistic plan.
I don't think he says it has cost him self-respect...I don't see it here. I think he's a man who is weighing intelligent decisions.
You do have lots of options. And it appeared that your decision was to date her now and then and go full swing when she was ready to commit.
Why not just be less available. Reduce the frequency of seeing her. If you're seeing her all week, why not limit it to once a week or once every two weeks. Let her miss you.
You are not limited. You can try something for awhile and see how it goes. That is DBing. Experiment, monitor results. Adjust accordingly.
The most important thing is when you ARE with her, what are you doing and saying? Are yoy having fun? Would that be HER answer?
When a WAS refuses to stop an exposed A, the ONLY OPTION as I see it is to go dark, GAL, and move on... Only then will a WAS realize that THEIR OPTIONS are lessening.
If Sinclair DOES move on two things will happen as I see it.
1. His WAW will see that as time passes and Sinclair is moving on, possible seeing other people and REALLY enjoying life, she will be hit with a 2x4 and will want to re-commit herself to the marriage.
2. His WAW will stay with OM and Sinclair WILL continue to heal by GAL, meeting other people (maybe even the new woman of his dreams) and continue to heal.
I understand that saving the M is always the best option. But this is costing his health, dignity and self-respect.
He does not have to say it dbmod, it just is. When your W comes home Sunday morning after a night of sex with OM and you are there waiting with open arms, that is the definition of no self-respect. And there is NO WAY that she respects him...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
When a man says he wishes he "was stronger(more of a man)" and "I guess I've chosen to accept my fate", he is losing respect for himself. Nothing could be more obvious.
This is exactly why most experts recommend going dark after a period of showing your spouse your willingness to make positive changes, to protect your love for your partner.
Believe me, I know, when you push your ability to tolerate a situation to and beyond your limits, it costs you self-respect. Sooner or later that will turn to resentment. That resentment will get turned on the partner for reasons of self-preservation and you will begin, unconsciously, to kill your love for that partner.
I don't know where Sinclair's limits are, only he knows. But to ignore the consequences of pushing beyond them and the obvious signs that he is very, very close to doing that already is irresponsible imo.
Sinclair, please please please do what is best for you...
But know that your W is eating so much cake that she is going to explode!
You are in LRT but are not doing the program. There is no way that your W will come back to you if you don't change SOMETHING. What you are doing right now will never work...
So my advice is to assess the sitch, put in a plan of action together that allows you to keep your dignity, excecute the plan, stick to the plan, and live with the reults...
You deserve better! And you WILL HAVE better!
Have a great day today!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I'm going to go back to high school to help you see the friend thing a different way.
How many times have you or someone you've known liked a girl but gotten placed in the "friend zone"? When you're in the friend zone, yes, things are friendly and you have interaction, but you are not in the romantic position.
Consider this also: how is continued contact with WAW knowing she is coming to you after romance with OM affecting YOU? You can stand without having it rubbed in your face.
You don't have to be mean, but you can lovingly detach and do what's right for you. It's clear you need to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. The friend thing isn't working for you; it is normalizing her behavior. Right now she has her husband, the friend, and OM, the lover, and that's working for her. How's that working for you?
Since you can't change anyone but you, then YOU have to change something in your control.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Actually, sinclair is NOT in the LRT, because his wife is interested in dating him. And he isn't in the JUST friend zone unless he wants to be.
And
Quote:
I don't know where Sinclair's limits are, only he knows. But to ignore the consequences of pushing beyond them and the obvious signs that he is very, very close to doing that already is irresponsible imo.
What he is showing may be signs of being close the limit would be true for you, Edmond, but he hasn't said that.
We should be pushing the positive button here--not the negative one. I see a LOT of strength in sinclair.
I look at it like this. Would I really let any "friend" treat me with such little regard? Heck no. Why should it be different here? She is not even treating you like a friend. You are just using that label (maybe she suggested it) with no real meaning. I'd tell her that she is not your friend and wont be. I know it's easy for me to say though.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I look at it like this. Would I really let any "friend" treat me with such little regard? Heck no. Why should it be different here? She is not even treating you like a friend. You are just using that label (maybe she suggested it) with no real meaning. I'd tell her that she is not your friend and wont be. I know it's easy for me to say though.
Harrier,
This isn't what we do here. We encourage each other to bring more love into our marriages. We use Michele's techniques, and we brainstorm with each other ways to change our behavior in order to affect change in our partners. If you really do it, it really works. If all you do is lay down the law, MOST folks will push their partners away. Again, that is not the goal here.
