And sometimes the driver of the truck is in a trance and doesn't realize they're blocking traffic or leaking oil until it's brought to their attention....
That's an interesting idea. She is coming over for dinner on Tuesday night. With a hidden camera, I could record the evening's activities and post it on YouTube.
Obviously not a good idea.
How are you treating her when she is around. What are your verbal and non-verbal cues (hands crossed, hands on hips, open body language, eye contact.).
It's hard to say; I'm probably not consistent in any event.
Eye contact for sure, because I'm a good listener.
I stand straight with good posture and don't fold my arms across my chest, that sort of thing. If I'm paying attention, I know what to do.
Body language was the topic of a speech I gave in college. I had demonstrated some of the body positions with stick figures that I drew on the chalk board. The entire class was in an uproar when my professor's body language (a woman) was exhibiting all the signs of flirtation and admiration while I spoke. I got an "A" in that class.
Last night my wife and I had a nice dinner. I made a shrimp curry and she brought a bottle of wine. We had a nice time and everything went well.
She came by again this morning and I couldn't keep myself from thinking about her and OM. I'm not sure if this was the right move for me, but I told her that things couldn't continue like this (i.e. our friendship while she continues to see OM).
This was really hard for me to say, since I'll likely miss our friendship more than she will. It's all the more difficult in light of how we both interact now. Since I've been DBing, my changes have changed her in so many ways. It has given me a glimpse of just how good our relationship could be.
In any event, we resolved the dog custody (which has given her an excuse to visit) and asked that she stop coming by and stop calling me all the time. I wasn't mean about it. I just told her the truth: it's too much false hope for me. I have been reading a book on detachment and realized that the sitch wasn't good for me. I can't heal if the wound is reopened every weekend.
She cried the whole time and kept her arms folded across her chest. She kept telling me how much she still loved me and that she never wanted to hurt me and so on... She also told me that she was mad at me for becoming such a nice guy; that I'm not making things easy for her.
So it's done. Either she gets lonely for her husband/friend enough to give up OM or It's over between us. I'm not expecting any changes since this isn't the first time we have had this conversation. The only difference, this time, there are consequences.
She also told me that she was mad at me for becoming such a nice guy; that I'm not making things easy for her.
I got this one too.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
In any event, we resolved the dog custody (which has given her an excuse to visit) and asked that she stop coming by and stop calling me all the time. I wasn't mean about it. I just told her the truth: it's too much false hope for me. I have been reading a book on detachment and realized that the sitch wasn't good for me. I can't heal if the wound is reopened every weekend.
A very GOOD Boundary Sinclair. It's all about YOU. You have showed her changes that make her question HER decisions. SHE will respect you for this in time. It shows you love her enough to set her free and that YOU LOVE YOU enough NOT to put up with an open marriage. In the end she has OM to run to, but you only have you and your mirror that you look in every day.
Originally Posted By: sinclair
She also told me that she was mad at me for becoming such a nice guy; that I'm not making things easy for her.
So it's done. Either she gets lonely for her husband/friend enough to give up OM or It's over between us. I'm not expecting any changes since this isn't the first time we have had this conversation. The only difference, this time, there are consequences.
Not in a disrespectful way Sinclair, but GOOD! Now BACK off. She will test this in ways you can't even imagine. Go DARK/DIM/NO CONTACT. Back away. Drop the rope and let the whole burden of her actions fall upon her shoulders and LET HER make the choice she needs to make.
She has seen you in a good light. You clearly have showed her love and that as much as you love her, you can't be with her unless she commits to working on your marriage.
Impressive. It hurts like hell. It really does, but in the end you stood up for yourself and THAT is ATTRACTIVE. Now the tough part will be YOU NOT backsliding. Don't answer the phone, don't be there for her, don't do anything that makes her think that YOUR feelings are wishy washy. Be a man and LEAD her by enforcing that boundary. IF SHE wants to be with YOU she will pull an all out assault to be WITH you. Until then everything will be a test.
Since I've been DBing, my changes have changed her in so many ways. It has given me a glimpse of just how good our relationship could be.
AND BY ALL MEANS, keep these changes and build upon them. I mean DO NOT stop. Keep bettering you, make the changes last. If you don't she will see this and it will make it easy for her to choose the OM.
BE THE BETTER OPTION. Make her feel like YOU are the MAN, not him.
Sinclair, this hurts like H_ll but now even I'm attracted to you (kidding). But great job.
You just took away her cake. And to a WAW spoiled like a child having gotten what she wanted all this time (you and OM) she got sad, angry. She can't have her cake. Sha can't eat her cake. You took it away. NICE!
But she now sees a strong man that has dignity and self-respect. A man that will stand up for the HONOR of not only himself but his partner and his life.
And believe it or not, you just regained a tremendous amount of control. Control over YOUR life. I think you can see how much she was controling you. That is now over!
You now have given yourself the best chance possible of getting her back.
Great job and stay strong!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I can imagine how hard this was for you Sinclair and I have a lot of respect for the way you weighed up your decision.
I think you handled this very well. In similar circumstanes I told my wife I loved her very much and it was simply to painful for me to be with her while she was pursuing a relationship with someone else. The next several days are likely to be the worst. You may feel yourself going through what feels like withdrawal. Hang in there. It will get better.
I suggest you post here when you feel like contacting her or finding out what she's doing. Take good care of yourself and try to stay busy.
