The Friendship Option

[sinclair]

First off, I want to thank every one of you for taking the time to post to my thread. I appreciate all the advice.

My decision is all the more difficult because, as dmod has pointed out, what I'm doing is working. Granted, the little squirrel isn't eating out of my hands, yet, but she keeps getting closer (DB works). She truly has been the most thoughtful cheating wife a guy could ask for. For Example, she called me from PriceMart (think CostCo) the other day to ask me if I needed anything. She not only made the purchases for me, but also delivered them to my house. Then on Saturday (before her date) she helped me clean the garage.

It's all very confusing when your the one who is living in it. I suppose it depends on your perspective. When I here Edmond Dantes' story I have to laugh at myself. Is that what I'm doing? Oh my God!

My adrenal system is certainly working overtime. My life feels like the car chase seen of a Hollywood movie (24hrs a day). The question is, would it get any better if I stopped seeing her? Wouldn't I still be thinking about her with OM anyway? I guess if I knew, for certain, that I could heel faster without her around; it would influence my decision.

[dbmod]

One thing you don't do, and it might help you and/or others to know more about your situation, is besides what you just describe is:

your personal interactions, including body language, as they would be viewed by someone with a webcam.

[sinclair]

That's an interesting idea. She is coming over for dinner on Tuesday night. With a hidden camera, I could record the evening's activities and post it on YouTube.

[Sad_but_happy]

I admit that I assume that others would feel as I would given the same situation and that's unfair.

Sinclair, I do see the strength in you. And I admit that I would not be strong enough to live your life as it is today.

I guess we all need to work on M until each hits their own threshold or "wall"...

But dbmod, don't you agree that a boundary needs to be set concerning OM? Don't you think she is cake eating?

[luvless]

She will continue to walk all over you until you seem as though you've moved on.

[sinclair]

My question that started this thread:

What is acceptable in a "friendship?" Where are the lines drawn? How does one conduct himself to preserve ones self-respect during this phase?

Accept for dbmod, the answer has been that there can not be a friendship with an unfaithful spouse, as long as the affair is ongoing. There are many reasons for this point of view:

1) It puts the LBS in a secondary position; it cements the impression (in the minds of everyone involved) that you are willing to accept less than you deserve (Unattractive).

2) It keeps the LBS tied to a dysfunctional relationship. As a result, we needlessly waist precious time and energy in an unproductive emotional environment, unconducive to self-healing (unattractive).

Please feel free to add to this list; it's a work in progress.

On the other hand, the official position of this site, as stated by dbmod, says:

what we do here [is] encourage each other to bring more love into our marriages.

These goals are not apposed to each other. dbmod goes on to say:

Why not just be less available. Reduce the frequency of seeing her. If you're seeing her all week, why not limit it to once a week or once every two weeks. Let her miss you.

In other words, the LBS shouldn't be trying too hard; it's not healthy, not sexy, not attractive.

[TimeHeals]

I can only relate my personal experience here (and knowing that my experience is pretty common):

If your spouse is having an EA or PA and reaching out to you for "friendship", then their needs are not being met by the affair.

If you take friendship off the table, then they will have to asses whether or not the affair will ever meet their needs. I and others took friendship off of the table because... it just wasn't going to really happen in all honesty. I was not going to have an emotional affair with my own wife/ex-wife while she pursued her emotional affair with somebody else. If the marriage was over, then no woman in her right mind (good boundaries) would want to be in a relationship with a man who was "freinds" with his ex wife.

I would caution people to examine the reality of their own situation. Being there, being friends, etc can actually prolong an affair, do more damage to the marriage, and result in more divorces.

I wasn't nasty. I was honest. Friendship wasn't going to happen. That was a boundary to protect me. If we were going to divorce, then I needed to be able to move on and possibly meet somebody else who appreciated me more, and I couldn't do that with an ex-wife buddy in-tow because women with healthy self-esteem and good boundaries won't tollerate that.

Also, I was not going to date my wife while she dated others. Again, that is another personal boundary: I don't date women who are unavailable.

The biggest problem in my marriage was caused by weak boundaries: my wife's EA.

If the experience taught me antyhing it is that you cannot take healthy boundaries (both within the marriage to protect the partners and external boundaries to protect the marriage from those outside of the marriage) for granted.

[Drew]

Sinclair,

I've also experienced the "niceness" of a WAW who still wants to do and buy things for the LBS. My opinion, and this is only my opinion, that it is a way for them to reduce their guilt at exiting the relationship.

I would be cautious and not read too much into it.

[sinclair]

I was on my way to class this morning (I train Jiu-Jitsu at 6:30 a.m.) and had the unfortunate experience of getting stuck behind a slow moving truck, spewing black exhaust smoke. While I was examining my options, I realized that it was a fitting metaphor for my relationship with my wife:

My relationship with my wife is like following closely behind this big truck; it's toxic; I can't breath. So, I examined my options:

1) I can continue to follow the big truck and choke on it's exhaust.

2) I can get aggressive and look for an opportunity to pass the big truck, get ahead of it and find some open road and fresh air.

3) I can slow down or pull over and let the big truck move ahead without me. The smoke will clear eventually and I can continue on my own path, unobstructed.

I chose option two, of course. That is my nature. So why do I stay behind this truck in my personal life? Am I expecting the truck to change? Is it realistic to expect the truck to stop smoking or to go faster? I have no control over the truck; I only have control over myself. i need to find some open road and clear air. That is my nature!

[Harrier]

Sinclair,

I love this analogy. Especially the part about expecting the truck to change.