It'a All About Me

[dolphin_05]

H came here yesterday after dropping D back home. (I was busy at the time and I think in some way perhaps I resented the interruption). He returned my dishes from the meal the other night and came in for about 15 minutes. Told me how busy he was with work, asked what I was up to and some other small talk. He said he may come up later in the week but he was so busy with work ...... I so wanted to say yes, but your D should be first but I knew it was a waste of time.

[Sanderika]

Hi all,

I have a mediation appt on Monday at 9:00am. I had my lawyer send my H a letter reminding him of it and to also remind him that he owed me child support and spousal support. I got a copy of the letter yesterday and while she was firm and direct it was very professional. H got a copy too.....

Last night at 3:38am I got a call from H. He left a voice mail on my cell telling me that he was not going to the mediation. He further went on to tell me to just take everything. He said he has no money and that if it's money I need/want to take it all.

To back up a bit, before I could play this voice mail H called back at 3:42am. I answered this call. He reiterated what he just left me and then went on to say that he didn't care about the money and that this was not about money at all. Money isn't important to him he just needs his work. He was adamant about giving me everything. WTH?!?!?!?!?

He said that he just doesn't see us able to work it out. He said he loves me very much and is still in love with me. He said he left 5 years ago, not because he didn't love me but because he didn't like me and who I had become. He now realizes that I am the girl he fell in love with to begin with and doesn't know what to do at all. He said he believes what he sees is true but only I know for real what is the truth. Soooo, he doesn't trust me. It's a trust issue for him?!?!?

He said he is confused and doesn't want to handle the divorce proceedings at all because he doesn't really care one way or another and just wants me to take over all of it.

H wants to write me a letter this weekend to take to the mediation stating to give me exactly what I want. He said he just doesn't care and asked me to leave him $200.00 bucks in his pocket. He asked me to please leave him his position in the company and that he would be lost without his career.

Sooo.....in all this I told him that this didn't make it easier on me. I said that I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce. I started to cry. H said "I know you don't want to divorce S", he said it with such empathy and sadness. In fact he said it many times over the conversation. I told him that what I wanted was to go to mediation and tell them that I want my husband and family back, unfortunately they can't grant me that. I told my H that I love him very much and that I didn't think given our true feelings that a divorce was acceptable. I asked him point blank "Do you want a divorce, yes or no?" He said he cannot answer that question. I told him that IMO we are very good together and that we get along so well. As a couple we were great together and we did great things together. He agreed with hesitation.

I accused him of being in a relationship with OW now and very wrapped up in her life and her family. I said that he had chosen her 100 million times over the past 5 years over me and son. I said from what I see he must be happy with that choice. He said "if you say so, I must be then", Then he added...."maybe I'm not, I will have to think about that."

After all this rambling and trust me it's all out of context. I was awoken from a dead sleep and am suffering the onset of a cold
I am shaken by his early hours call.....

Sooo.....What do I do with this? Help me everyone....

Sanderika

[hope for zen]

Is your H open to counseling at this point?

[Sanderika]

Hi hope,

Thank you for responding.

Counseling is not an option for my H. H is one of those who doesn't believe in it and furthermore would never discuss his personal thoughts and private matters with a stranger.

I cannot suggest this.

I invited H for lunch yesterday. He accepted. We had a wonderful afternoon together. We talked a little bit. But mostly enjoyed spending some time together. I do believe that he really loves me. I am thinking that for the first time in a long time he is really able to explore a possible rekindling.
He is very comfortable around me. He enjoys conversation with me. He actually has a twinkle in his eye when he sees me.

I still am not sure what to do about tomorrow. My instinct is telling me to go to the mediation and simply state that nothing will happen due to the fact that H is not there. I am not going to mediate without his representation of himself.

I am not going to go in there an tell them to give me everything including a quick divorce. I don't want the divorce. I don't think H wants a divorce, he just hasn't admitted it yet.

Thank you,

Sanderika

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

Thank you for your posts, and especially for posting your early morning conversation with H. It sounds as though you think that H has difficulty trusting your changes and that is a big obstacle to his reconciling with you. Is it possible that if you spent more time with H that he would be able to see that your changes are real? Perhaps this is something that you could propose to him if you think it makes sense.

I've lost track of where OW is in your situation. I know she was working in the company for a long time. Is she still there? Is H still living with her? Please forgive me for not remembering. Is it possible that your H filed again because of OW's urging? Or is it possible that he filed because he felt that the situation required some closure of some sort? ..........Or is it possible that he filed out of love for you because he knew that you would continue to "be there" if the D wasn't final? I'm just throwing ideas out there. ...........The two of you had a very honest conversation the other night. Do you think H would be able to field more honest conversation on these topics? ...............Just thinking that honest communication, in a loving manner, could be another approach to use at this point, since you had that very honest conversation a few days ago and you now know where H stands.

I will pose a question to you that Jody posed to me awhile back: "Is it possible that your H thinks that your behavior will change (your positive changes will stop) if OW goes away?" H may be enjoying the new you (the girl he fell in love with) and may be afraid to rock the boat. Maybe you need to show him somehow that your changes are genuine even without OW around.

My instinct is telling me to go to the mediation and simply state that nothing will happen due to the fact that H is not there. I am not going to mediate without his representation of himself.

I am not going to go in there an tell them to give me everything including a quick divorce. I don't want the divorce. I don't think H wants a divorce, he just hasn't admitted it yet.

This ^^^^^^^ sounds like a fair and honest approach. You will have nothing to regret if you do this. Until and unless you are really done with the M it makes no sense for you to D H. I think you were at that point out of frustration awhile ago.........but after your conversation with H it doesn't sound as though you are as certain now.

GAG

[Albuquerque]

My instinct is telling me to go to the mediation and simply state that nothing will happen due to the fact that H is not there. I am not going to mediate without his representation of himself.

I am not going to go in there an tell them to give me everything including a quick divorce. I don't want the divorce. I don't think H wants a divorce, he just hasn't admitted it yet.

This ^^^^^^^ sounds like a fair and honest approach. You will have nothing to regret if you do this. Until and unless you are really done with the M it makes no sense for you to D H. I think you were at that point out of frustration awhile ago.........but after your conversation with H it doesn't sound as though you are as certain now.

GAG

I totally agree with GAG. If things are up in the air, no reason to make any decisions that can't be made later. It's far easier to make this done later than it is to UNDUE what might be done.

As for your H, I can only go by what I've seen with mine, but I think their fear that our changes are temporary is huge. Fortunately, my H was willing to discuss things. I told him it wasn't my job to "convince" him of anything. I knew my changes were real and that was good enough for me. But what your H needs to come to realize is that it kind of doesn't matter whether YOUR changes are real. If HE hasn't changed and grown, then it will be easy to fall back into bad patterns. Making the assumption that as long as WE have changed then everything will be OK is a recipe for disaster. The MLCer has to be willing to realize their role in the problems, and be willing to accept and grow with the realization. It is a long process and patience is key.

[Sanderika]

Hello GAG and Albuquerque,

Thank you both for the posts. You are spot on....

Son had the laptop all day yesterday working on a school report, I just read your posts and cannot thank you enough for the input.
I have to take son to school and then be in court at 9:00am, I will post more on my return.

I will approach H for more contact. I will approach H for more discussion.

I think my H is initiating more contact and it's more valuable in the way that he asks of me and my goings on and remembers what I have actually said weeks later. This is a huge development.

I think given certain contact H will be more receptive to talking as he is very comfortable in my presence.

I am going to put off any decisions today, you both validated my exact thoughts. H basically said to do whatever I want. It's actually another huge development. I hope this goes well

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hello all,

I have returned from the court mediation. H was not there. They asked me if he was coming and I said no. They wanted to know if I knew why I said he was working out of state. They asked me if I knew if he knew of the appointment I said yes.

They insisted on calling him to verify all this information and he answered and verified everything I had said.

They decided not to hold him in default due to absence. H has been let off the hook three times now due to his "no show" status.

Basically they signed of on mediation altogether in this case and decided that the next course of action would be final hearing. This they did without any input from me. H's absence and apparent lack of attention concerning this case is what made up their minds to move it forward without tying up the courts any further.

After mediation was denied further, I had to go before the Judge for something called a status conference. The judge asked where H was and we told her. She signed the order that the final hearing be schedule asap and then followed through with a statement which she signed that will go to H about the demand for child and spousal support.

So H was not held in default three times for absence:
Initial appearance: 11/5/10
Mediation: 12/13/10
Status Conference: 12/13/10

H brought this on and has done nothing to follow through. What am I supposed to do. Now with the court's stance I could be divorced inside of 60 days.

I need to take your advice and get him to see me more and communicate with me more. I am planning a call to him tonight to discuss today and see how is day was. I have to scramble now or I will run out of time.

Son just got home from school, I promised him I would take him shopping for a Christmas gift for his girlfriend.

I will be back later to chat....

Thank you,

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hi GAG and Al,

First, I had contact with H yesterday, not about court instead it was about me doing something for the company. I spent the afternoon helping and was very successful and accomplished the task at hand. This has to go a long way for me....

I feel this should ring a bell with H that I am a very good person and that I am caring and considerate and generous. I have changed and this should be another star on my side of the board in my favor in H's eyes.

I have decided to try and make more contact with H. The upcoming holiday should present some opportunities for positive reinforcement of my actual true feelings and PMA.

GAG, to answer some of your questions....

The OW is still in the picture and inside my company. OW comes around once a week and writes payroll and payables payments. OW has no check signing privileges those still belong to H and I. Ow comes around and from what I can see acts like she is an owner there. You all might find me plumb crazy....I have not rocked this boat. I recognized defeat from the git go and was ever hopeful that OW will sink her own ship all by herself. I am still hopeful that this will eventually happen. H keeps her in the dark on many accounts and shares all with me. This is a fact as I know how to get verified information.

H has never lived with OW. H lives alone and has not ever entertained the ideas of living with her even though OW has pleaded and begged. OW lives and hour away and H lives 6 miles from me.

H filed for sure because of pressure from OW. In fact both filings in '08 and '10 were at her hand. I believe that OW was responsible for actual filings on H's behalf including getting signatures notarized illegally. Could explain why H on both initiatives had/has done nothing to follow through with the divorce proceeding requirements.

I think H wants to do the right thing. He states that he feels a divorce is necessary because of the past 5 years and the destruction that has been caused. H also states that he loves me and is still in love with me and always will be. He states that he now likes me very much and that his feelings of dislike have melted away. H says I am the girl he fell in love with. H has hesitation that my changes are for real. He wants us to be great friends and actually stated that he feels we will be better friends than we are right now even if divorced.

It is obvious that H does not want me out of his life maybe merely wants to be divorced. I asked my lawyer if we could simply divorce and not split assets. She said no and then said well maybe if we put it in no condition terms to protect you.

I am wondering today if H will come to his senses once he realizes our divorce will happen very quickly at this point in time.

Jody posed a good question, I can't test it with OW still in the picture. OW is a gold digger and has no intentions of leaving at this time.

I know for sure H and OW are not spending much time together since about mid October.

H has spent more time with son in the past 2.5 months than in the previous 60 months.

H told me that he dreams about me again.

H calls me and texts me a lot. H remembers conversations we have and little things I say and little things going on in my life.

I would have to say H has changed quite a bit. H has admitted to his faults in the marriage breakdown, albeit not very frequently.

I feel I have reason to be hopeful. I guess down deep, and you all know this is true, I was willing to go along with divorce if H insists, it is not truly what I want. If I can still save this marriage I aim to do it.

Thank you all so much my DB friends.

Cas, I hope you are having a great week with daughter.

Sanderika

[iluvme55]

Isn't this what we all truly want from our spouses,for them to return.....but sometimes they take to long to wake up and the LBS have moved on..... as long as we have hope things change and move and God does answer prayers.... prayers for you coming your way.
IRMA