I agree with ED (doesn't sound too good does it? :/)
Follow her actions now not her feelings, she will use her feelings on you to test your resolve. Her testing you is a good thing, she wants to push you too see how strong you are, are you a man she can trust to do the right thing.
Notice how she reacted when you called her out on this - arms crossed (defensive - she knows this is wrong) and crying (maybe he will rescue me, again.) She needs to feel you letting her go, you were being her band-aid so she couldn't feel the wound she has. Let her choose what path she takes (google: Sir Gawains Wedding).
Be ready to be tested, her alternating between nice and angry within seconds. Listen, validate and callout mind-reading when appropiate. She will tell you, "I was all ready to come back until you said I can't see you anymore, see nothing has changed." She will test your boundary, she really wants to know you can stand up to her feelings.
It's OK for you to feel lonely and confused. Once you see things playing out, you will gain confidence.
Now have a plan for you.
Physical- working out, diet, sleep, hydrate. Manage your energy. Mental- ask for help, read up on attraction, intimacy and how women communicate, make a list of all that you are grateful for Emotional- have a network of friends to call when you lose it, take your phone apart so you don't call her when lonely. Stay social over the holidays - choose to improve yourself thru this. volunteer, sing Christmas Carols, smile at people Spiritual- pray for wisdom,discernment, strength, and clarity.
She needs the space to process her feelings into thoughts. Love her enough to let her think about what she is doing. All the while you become the best man you can - catnip. Be Sir Gawain.
Strength and Honor Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's nice to have done something right for a change. Thanks to all of you for the advice, encouragement and support. I won't backslide. Fifteen year's ago I quit smoking the same way. I just did it and never looked back.
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She will test this in ways you can't even imagine. Go DARK/DIM/NO CONTACT. Back away. Drop the rope and let the whole burden of her actions fall upon her shoulders and LET HER make the choice she needs to make.
This makes sense to me, but how will I know the difference between an "all-out-assault" and a test?
This makes sense to me, but how will I know the difference between an "all-out-assault" and a test?
She will lead with her feelings. When her words, feelings and actions all line up then you will know. She will be pursuing you. She will be saying and doing all the things you went thru when you got bombed.
She is watching you right now. What you have done is very attractive but she wants to be sure (she wants to feel safe with you - that's the tests). How do you catch a cat?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This makes sense to me, but how will I know the difference between an "all-out-assault" and a test?
Good question. Fortunately, the answer is pretty straight forward. Assume everything is a test at this point. In the end, as long as you have protected your assets, there is no functional difference between an all out assault and a test in your current situation. Either way you validate her feelings, agree with her where you can, don't argue with her if you can't agree, respect her point of view, respect your own boundaries and gently but firmly refuse to tolerate CB.
If it turns out her attack was part of a calculated strategy, while that might effect the ultimate outcome, as long as you have 'done the right thing', you won't regret anything you did in retrospect.
You would need to act as if you were not interested in the cat (assuming the cat is feral).
But... my wife knows I'm interested. I've simply told her that she needs to drop OM, first. I don't want to act contrary to what I have already said.
Not that I have any expectations, but what if she simply tells me that she's done with OM? Are you suggesting that I play games? That I need her to pursue me?
Edmond Dantes, you reminded me of something my wife had said during our last meeting. She said that her IC told her that now might be a good time to negotiate something with me. She went on to say that she needed to write some things down to be clear.
Is this part of the process? Is she talking about the settlement of assets or my commitment to do the dishes?
You would need to act as if you were not interested in the cat (assuming the cat is feral).
But... my wife knows I'm interested. I've simply told her that she needs to drop OM, first. I don't want to act contrary to what I have already said.
Not that I have any expectations, but what if she simply tells me that she's done with OM? Are you suggesting that I play games? That I need her to pursue me?
Here are the keys to the dynamic you need to change.
You would need to act as if you were not interested in the cat (assuming the cat is feral).
But... my wife knows I'm interested. I've simply told her that she needs to drop OM, first. I don't want to act contrary to what I have already said.
Not that I have any expectations, but what if she simply tells me that she's done with OM? Are you suggesting that I play games? That I need her to pursue me?
The cat knows you are interested, you were just calling it, chasing it and reaching out. The cat comes to you when you are interesting, stimulating, relaxed and attractive to the cat.
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but what if she simply tells me that she's done with OM?
Don't believe her. She needs to show you thru consistent loving action. Follow her actions not her words when it comes to OM. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, how would she act? What would you do to regain her trust?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Edmond Dantes, you reminded me of something my wife had said during our last meeting. She said that her IC told her that now might be a good time to negotiate something with me. She went on to say that she needed to write some things down to be clear.
Is this part of the process? Is she talking about the settlement of assets or my commitment to do the dishes?
If she wasn't any clearer than that, she was probably teasing to get you to pursue her for information. I suggest you don't take the bait. If this 'negotiation' is important to her she will raise it again. On the other hand, don't be surprised if she says 'I was going to negotiate something with you before you decided not to see me but now...'. That kind of thing is pretty routine.
Good luck man. How are you holding out emotionally with the NC?
She needs the space to process her feelings into thoughts. Love her enough to let her think about what she is doing. All the while you become the best man you can - catnip. Be Sir Gawain.
Good call Coach. I had studied that period of English literature in college, but had not read that story until now. The answer to the quest: "women wish to have their own will."
What kind of time line are we talking about? I've already made plans to deliver a sailboat from Panama to Mexico in February. The trip will likely take about 3 months. She had indicated that she wanted to meet with me at various ports along the way (she would fly). She brought the subject up, again, at our last meeting. I told her that it was still two months away and much could change in that time.
