Not too much to report since I'm still dark. No contact for almost a week now. I've been keeping busy and having fun.
I spent Friday night with my guy friends. We went to an armature boxing match in town and had sushi afterwards.
Saturday afternoon, I had my first date in twenty years. We met for coffee. While we were talking, another friend called and invited me to a BBQ at his house. I brought her with me and it felt surprisingly natural; we enjoyed ourselves. She wants to see me again.
Sunday I drove out to my farm. I had business there that needed attending and I've been putting it off for some time. I brought my Spanish tutor with me. It's a long drive and it gave me an opportunity to practice my Spanish along the way.
For the most part, I'm not thinking about the X. I'm feeling stronger, I'm practicing detachment, and I'm GAL.
I happen to view marriage mostly as a life long commitment to your spouse and not just about temporary feelings of attraction. Having an affair or even thinking about it breaks that trust.
Last night, at a Christmas party, a mutual friend told me that I needed to be patient; that she and my wife had spent many hours talking about our sitch and my wife still loves me very much. She told me that my wife is totally confused, doesn't know what to do, and she always breaks down crying during their talks. Like me, my wife is in pain; she asked me to giver her more time.
I asked her if she knew about my wife's affair. She claimed she didn't. So I repeated what I have already told my wife: if she ends the affair, I can wait for her; if she doesn't I need to move on with my life. It's her choice.
Later in the evening (1:00 a.m.,) when I was making my rounds to excuse myself from the other guests, this same "friend" told me that I was leaving too early and that I should be drinking more alcohol. My problem, she said, is that my wife is bored with me.
I believe this statement says more about wife and where she is in her life at the moment, than it says about me. Staying out all night drinking is not something that appeals to me at this point in my life. I did that in my twenties (before I met my wife). I don't like waking the next morning with a hangover. Instead, I'm well rested this morning and looking forward to my day.
My wife appears to be in a different place in her life than me. She was 18 when we met and perhaps she feels that she has missed out on certain experiences. I know that my "friend" is trying to be helpful, but I'm not interested in accommodating my wife's Mid-Life-Crises. If our life, together, became boring to her, it isn't solely my responsibility to change that. If the OM is providing her with a new exciting life, I have to let her go. I'm not going to compete with that.
After four month's of DBing, I realize that my changes are not for her--they are for me. I need to follow my own path. If my wife and I no longer share the same interests, that does not make me boring. My life goals and interests are more likely in line with someone ells. Nothing is meant to last forever.
You sound GREAT. You get it. This is what being detached is. You PREFER that you reconcile, but you KNOW you'll be okay either way. You've taken responsibility for your happiness and your life, and you expect your wife to do the same.
It was shortly after I reached this point myself that my H decided he wanted to reconcile. Of course he wasn't sleeping with the OW (he was infatuated with her, but she wasn't interested...she just strung him along for the attention), so my case is less extreme in some way. Still, the only way I know to come through the other side of this smarter, better, and happier (no matter the outcome) is to reach this point.
Stay the course, act with integrity, and don't accept less than what you want and deserve.
Happy holidays,
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I believe you are doing the right thing by not subscribing to A's and MLC's given you are so-called "married". The A and the MLC are to me very misdirected actions, which are understandable but I don't understand why in the eyes of society and law this sort of immature and destructive behavior is so excusable and not subject to corrective action or penalty; you will realize this if and when it comes to D. That's why I say to you get familiar with the legal side or you may be in for big surprises.
I have read this entire post from start to finish. I am wondering how you are doing also? You seemed to really take control of the situation and I admire you for it. My process is just beginning but your story gives me hope. Thanks for sharing
Me too. I have read this entire post. You really seemed to stand strong during some tough times. It's inspired me to do better today with my situation. I hope you are doing well.
