It'a All About Me

[Lost Rabbit]

Sanderika, brilliant news, first thing I'd say and forgive me as this is from memory at your previous reactions.. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.. This is only a snippet in the grand scheme of moving forwards, one too quick manouvre and he could go running again..

Yes he is showing signs of moving forward, I also remember my own H questioning the new improve Rabbit! I very calmly kept repeating well I know I have changed but Im not proving it to you, you have to find that out for yourself, together we can adapt to both the new US's.. Also remind him the new you was not only out of necessity but out of choice for yourself to improve what you are/were and change things for your better..

I noted today on another blog we are now two individuals living in a marriage and that is what you will become, its different and yes you will hanker after the old but that will not be coming back but the new could be better!

You and S are in my thoughts and prayers and I really pray this time it will H finally seeing the wood for the trees x

[Lost Rabbit]

CAS hey hope youre having fun with D and not getting up to too much mischief, actually forget thats lots of mischief lol!

[Sanderika]

Hello IRMA,

Thank you for your kind words.

Hello Rabbit,

I sure hope this is what it looks like. I feel it is, as I have read much about how it goes. He has attempted to break free many times and can't. This feels very different somehow.

I really have truly decided that if it is meant to be I will be fine. I do not want it but am in total acceptance should it need to happen. I will understand the reasons now where as before I could not have understood. Is it maybe because I know we are close to each other and it appears to me and H that there is nothing or no one who can truly divide us. Am I delusional, I don't think so.

H sent me a joke text in the middle of the day today (btw, he is working out of state). He does this quite often now....I look at it as a breakthrough. He is beginning to have fun with me again.

Oh everyone, this is what I want for Christmas. I want my precious family to reunite with each other again.

Thank you all so very much,

Sanderika

[iluvme55]

Amen... and ditto to that......that would be wonderful....keep hoping and praying God is up to something....

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

While you're gone, it looks like we're all playing on your thread! Hope you're having a great time and that your D does VERY well!

Rabbit, thanks for finding me on the alt! I would send you an e-mail there but I couldn't find the option......I REALLY liked this!

I very calmly kept repeating well I know I have changed but Im not proving it to you, you have to find that out for yourself, together we can adapt to both the new US's..

Sanderika, I really like what you said here:

I do not want it but am in total acceptance should it need to happen. I will understand the reasons now where as before I could not have understood. Is it maybe because I know we are close to each other and it appears to me and H that there is nothing or no one who can truly divide us. Am I delusional, I don't think so.

This ^^^^^ is fantastic! None of us want you to be D'ed, but it may take that for H to lower his resistance to you.

He said that he just doesn't see us able to work it out. He said he loves me very much and is still in love with me. He said he left 5 years ago, not because he didn't love me but because he didn't like me and who I had become. He now realizes that I am the girl he fell in love with to begin with and doesn't know what to do at all. He said he believes what he sees is true but only I know for real what is the truth. Soooo, he doesn't trust me. It's a trust issue for him?!?!?

When I read this ^^^^^ I thought that maybe H needs to believe that the two of you have buried the old M and are establishing a new R. Is there some way you could persuade him of this?

GAG

[Sanderika]

Hello all,

I can't sleep tonight.

I sent H a flirty text at supper time and did not get a response.

I know he is out of state and veerry busy. I am ashamed to admit I had, or better put created an expectation that I would get something in return.

I like what you all have suggested. I will have a discussion on the new friendly relationship that has been created out of this mess. It is good, really good, to spend time with H and I am absolutely sure he enjoys it just the same as me. I need to keep this flower blooming.

Things I have realized:

I would not be in a friendship place with H if I had closed the door to him all those many months ago.

My changes are what turned this from a hurting/hateful situation into a loving friendship.

Our relationship began way back in 1979 as a friendship that blossomed into a marriage, a long term marriage. We had a good marriage too. It was not bad at all until I became depressed and withdrawn and those ailments lingered for a very long time, more than 2 years. I am no longer living that he!!. H is once again a loving friend. Time and patience still may be just the key to reuniting. Time and Patience has brought us this far.

The wall H built to keep me out at the beginning is coming down. H is still reserved and is resisting his true feelings much less frequently than before. I have proven to H that I am not his enemy. My insistence throughout this ordeal that I treat H well by being kind, loving and warm towards H at all times has been a key factor in turning this situation around.

I have forgiven H completely for his performances during the past 5 years. H feels complete forgiveness and acceptance by me and that has helped H immensely to restore his feelings for me.

I have always listened to H. H and I have valuable and constructive, honest conversations. He is always saying things like: "you know me" or "you get me". He feels validated having a conversation with someone who knows him inside and out and understands him. I have been his go to person for the past 5 years throughout this separation because he values me.

H has respect for me and tells me so.

As hard as H has tried he cannot stay away. Even when I pull back and go no contact H comes around. I sometimes think this will/would be harder on H to have to live completely without me than it would be for me to live completely without him.

I am sorry for the rambling my friends. I felt like journaling tonight. I have shed some tears. I have done a lot of praying.
I have hope that H's heart is changing.

I wish you all well,

Sanderika

[Lost Rabbit]

Sanderika

Get yourself a shovel hun and go bury your expectations as deep as you can in an imaginary pit.. Yes every thing in your being wants this but WHOAH GIRL in your bid to want this you are gonna push too fast..

H hasnt answered your sassy reply, he's busy, so go off and find something to do, put him aside in your mind and breathe!

Slowly hun, hes only taken a baby step towards you, dont tread on his toes before he gets a step closer..

Oooh how can I say it any more BACK OFF STEP AWAY GIRL! Let the poor man breathe lol..

Right so by now you have got the message..

Next contact be freindly, pleasant and a little bit sexy, not if S is around not unless you want him to tell you to stop embarrassing him in public..

This is a long way off still hun, I was at this point Oct09 but I didnt get him home till nearly Mar10 and believe me it could have gone wrong really quickly at any given time, and was not really a marriage for another six months after that

anyway sorry I have gone on waffle over drive (()) believe me I want to celebrate with you just as much but lets go slow!

[Sanderika]

Hi Rabbit,

Thank you, thank you, thank you....

I vented my thoughts here but did not act on them. I have not made contact with H and won't. I will leave that task to him when he is able and ready. I will be ready with my sexiest look and H will get the same usual sweet friendly and very pleasant Sanderika for sure.

I worked today and kept myself very busy. I had a good day until I returned home and got my mail. The court has sent us the next schedule. H will receive this today too.

I have to be in court for the Final Hearing on the divorce on Thursday, January 13, 2011 at 9:00am. So all, this is the day that H and I could be divorced. I am very shaken by reading this paper. It has actually sent me way down tonight. It is hard to believe that the courts look at this as such a simple endeavor. I am in turmoil and this is not simple or easy, it hurts a lot. I can't really believe after all my 5 plus years of fighting for my marriage that I am even reading this paper tonight.

I wonder what H will think and feel when he opens his letter. Since he was not in court on Monday and he has not called me to ask how it went he does not have any advance knowledge what to expect to read.

I am soooo sad that after nearly 32 years together we are now looking at the end. I know what you are going to say next, it doesn't mean it's the end. Odds are not in favor of reconciliation post divorce.

How do I stop this now??????????

Thank you to all my friends,

Sanderika

[iluvme55]

Just pray and believe......it's all we can really do Sanderika.I pray God will give you peace over this.....mine is coming as well he filed in July and I got served in Oct.....saddest day of my life.....but God will carry me with this as well.....
I often have doubts myself but when God tells me to stop praying for him then I will...but till then I am staying right where I am...if it never comes to pass I know I did all that I was suppose to do.....
Irma

[Sanderika]

Hi Irma, thank you...

I am doing just as you. Believing and praying that we will be the lucky recipients of a divine intervention.

I am a stander, I have reasons to be one. I feel it is what I am supposed to do. I feel God has led me to this place. If I have been led here, I will get through it.

I have actually become more spiritual in the past 5 years along with my many other changes. I have a feeling that there is a higher power guiding my choices and H's.

I am one who, first hand, has experienced the once hardened heart of her husband has now softened and visibly and emotionally seen the majestic mountain move. I could not have done all this alone.

My H's MLC was triggered by two very difficult situations in his life. My H lost his mother to cancer in 2004, we watched her go from a vibrant, full of life lady to a gravely ill woman with terminal cancer inside of a three month period. AND, two weeks before her death my H was burned in a propane explosion, this was an incident that forced H to face his own mortality.

At the same time I was going through a major long term depression and was nearly crippled by the effects and influencing everyone in my world to turn against me, you see after they tried in vain to help me they gave up on me. It was H's actions of leaving me that triggered me to change. It's a very sad story overall. I have posted much of it in my previous threads. It really is all water under the bridge right now. I want to put the past behind me and move into the future with a clear vision of what is and what can be done in this wonderful life.

I plan to leave my options open as far as H goes, I have decided that I would rather have him in my life in the capacity it is (as a friend) rather than shut him out of it completely. I think H wants the same.

GAG and others are probably right on this one....

H and I need to divorce to clear the slate and be able to see what the future holds for us whether it be apart and with others or as friends with a possibility that it could blossom into more.

Irma, my prayers and thoughts are with you, I understand exactly what you are experiencing.

Sanderika