If my goal is to have my wife pursue me, how have I accomplished that objective by telling her not to come around and not to call me? I know that my sitch is complicated by OM, but I have been working hard for the past two months building a friendship with my wife. For the past month, she has been the one making the effort--not me. The night she came for diner, for instance, she wasn't looking to leave. If I hadn't pushed her out the door, she probably would have stayed the night.
I recently ordered some books that arrived to our shared mailbox: 1) She Comes First 2) I Love Female Orgasm 3) Squirms, Screams and Squirts. She beat me to our mailbox the day the books came and I was a little embarrassed when she delivered them to my house. Her reaction surprised me even more: She seemed pleased by my interest; she sat on my lap, kissed me and said that we could practice together if I wanted.
Yesterday she tested NC by calling me (business related). I had an employee return her call; I was unavailable. So, please tell me, how will rejecting her advances accomplish my goals? How can she pursue if I wont let her? You people live this stuff and I trust your opinions, but to a simple guy like me this approach feels wrong.
I understand how you feel Sinclair. In my experience there are three obvious effects of breaking contact.
First, and most important, it allows you to really detach and heal. It eventually reduces some of the daily drama that maybe taking a bigger toll on you than you currently realize.
Second, it brings home to her your true value in her life. In my wife's case I had been meeting most of her emotional needs for 23 years and it wasn't until I stopped doing it that she realized how much it was the air she breathed.
Thirdly, and related to the second point, it forces your wife to get all her needs met by the OM. I'm sure like me you met most of your wife's needs but not all. She is using the OM to fill the gap. That works great for her as long as you are the meal and he's the treat. Once she tries to live on treats she'll see the problem. Your job now, and you've done a great job to this point, is to identify what needs you weren't meeting and show her you're capable of doing it. You've planted that seed with her the last two months, now you're backing off to let it grow.
You seem very strong to me and I see some great signs that your wife will come around. Hang in there.
I don't see you as lost. You seem very wise to me. This is an unbelievably difficult situation for which no one is prepared and it's very hard to navigate when the person closest to you in the world has shaken your compass.
I feel confident you will grow enormously from this experience and quite possibly become "the most interesting man in the world".
IMO, the only reason a woman would look at another man with interest is b/c she is not completely happy/satisfied with the R she is in with OM. This woman's emotions are all over the place and she doesn't know who she wants. She doesn't even know what she wants. She is making decisions and acting out of her emotions. So, to say she's unstable is an understatement, but typical in these cases.
I know if my H had stopped pursuing me and started showing interest in anothere woman....I would have dropped all interest in OM and my attention would have been completely on what was taking place with my H & OW. He would have suddenly looked more attractive if another woman wanted him. But here is the the most importatnt part....if I had flirted enough to show H I might be interested in making our M work.....and then he dropped OW right then (without much effort on my part), then I think my interest in getting him back might not hold very long. It has a lot to do with the "chase". Being men, you should know that the chase is such an important part of the courtship. If the girl can be swayed too easily.....well, it just takes the wind out of your sail,doesn't it? Much more interesting if there is enough wind to fuel that boat and keep it going.
Keeping a nice distance between you and the woman. Letting her see you once in a while and letting the sexual attraction build.....causing her desire for you to deepen....that's important.
Here's the thing that I don't understand about teenagers today.....and even young adults. They don't appreciate the dating game. They don't play the field. It's like they want a solid committment before going out on a date. Takes the fun of the chase & mystery out of it, if you ask me.
I had some good looking boys that wanted to date me in school, but there was something that was lacking. You see, good looks isn't everything. There has to be a chemistry between the couple, or at least for the girl. I remember going out with a guy who was crazy about me....but I felt like he was my cousin. I couldn't even kiss him. Nice guy, nice looks.....but just no chemistry.
The biggest thing that would turn me off was for a guy to be sniffing around me. Sometime I wondered if I would see slobber dripping off his chin. (lol)....no, just kidding a little. I liked that guy that stood over to the side who wasn't looking at my boobs, but was looking into my eyes and had a little hint of a message there in that look. That was what attracted me to my H. I wanted to learn more about what made him tick!
That old saying about men & women is as true today as it was from the beginning of time. "He chased the girl unil she caught him". Be very subtle, and let her "work" to catch you. _________________________
Making sure you saw this from Sandi over on Kempers thread. Sandi was having an EA and ended up here, her marriage is reconciled. She is a straight shooter, she speaks so men can understand.
Edmond D is giving you very good counsel. Keep asking questions and keep learning.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, Sandi's post about the "chase" makes perfect sense. Its after 20+ years of marriage it feels like a game. How do you maintain this dynamic within a commitment long term relationship?
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
Don't have time right now to get into it. Do some research, it's out there. You can do what Sandi describes in a committed, loving and passionate marriage.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I had my first appointment with IC today (My wife had suggested that I make an appointment last week). He was surprised by how well I understood my sitch and thought that my actions were appropriate and well thought through. I told him about this site and how helpful you have all been (he seemed amused by the fact that there's a group of people sharing there thoughts and experiences on these matters). Anyway, he said I was accepting way too much of the blame; that my wife needed to accept her share too.
Speaking of which, the wife emailed me today; it was nothing important. Should I answer her? She's been calling, too. I haven't been answering. I don't want to be rude, but I was clear; I asked her not to call me. I'm in enough pain. I'm trying to detach. Should I return her calls?
No. But consult an L. And get your own mailbox. Why? Because she has an OM yet sits on your lap and hopes to get orgasmic with you. She knows she's still in control. Unless you believe that affairs are good for your M?
I know it's difficult for you right now. Just know it's equally difficult for your wife believe it or not.
She's testing your resolve with the calls. If it were an emergency she would let you know that in a text. There's no need to respond.Let her feel your absence.
You're not being rude. You explained yourself. It's going to be ok. It may well feel worse before it gets better and your mind is likely to race but hang in there it does get easier. Just like you may have felt at different points in the past that everything was 'riding' on some particular interaction only for there to be a next one and a next one. This too shall pass. Take care.
