This situation is certainly better than I had 6 months ago, but I am still plagued with doubt, worry, despair, fear, anxiety, suspicion etc. Some days are good but then others I feel like I'm losing it. These next few weeks will be toughest on me because starting next week he will be gone for 2 weeks and OW may very well attend the conference. I will be there for part of it, but due to childcare issues, can't attend the whole thing. As always, I continue to take things one day at a time.
I am not giving advice to anyone right now, because I can't even handle my own situation. But I will say that I think those emotions are normal and if you didn't have them you wouldn't be human.
I hope for the best! love ya!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
These last few days have been interesting. H has been plagued with anxiety issues. He's been at his place working most days and spending the nights there as well. He'd come over in the evenings and say hi, but then leave. He always apologized for needing to leave. I let him go without issue. But the mixed signals were getting to me. He spent nearly a week with us around Christmas. Then nearly a week away from us. It bothered me and I know it bothers/confuses my D.
The FB issue was just an additional issue. As I mentioned, I defriended him due to seeing too many x-OW comments. He understood but kind of bemoaned not being my friend. After our last discussion, I opted to try it his way and re-friend requested him. After about 5 days of him NOT accepting and him constantly keeping his distance etc etc, I had begun to reach my limit. I wasn't giving up, mind you, just trying to regain my footing with myself. My thoughts turned to divorce and custody agreements. The future is still very murky and I don't know where we'll end up. The scary thing (to me) was that I was able to have these thoughts without it scaring the crap out of me anymore. I took my wedding ring back off. I am not married. I am standing for my marriage, but that marriage is not around anymore. I don't have a H right now. I have a man who I'm married to who occasionally does H-like things. I UN-friend requested him on FB. If he was going to drag his feet on the issue, I was taking the issue away. He can come to me. And then when I received an email from him suggesting we do lunch the following day, I declined (something I've almost never done). I was kind and blamed work (semi-true).
Those changes were for me. To keep me grounded. Yet, as the DB book says, change the situation and changes will be seen. My declining lunch seemed to catch my H completely off-guard. He called me and seemed flabbergasted that I declined lunch. I was kind but firm about needing to work. He seemed to want to keep me on the phone and chat longer than normal. Then throughout the day, he sent me sweet short texts. I appreciated them and responded accordingly, but kept it short and sweet. That evening, he came over. He said he needed to do some work but would appreciate the company. When he arrived, he brought his laptop but never actually opened it. He snuggled up next to me and didn't leave my side. He was very snuggly and I enjoyed it although it was quite a difference from the previous week.
As nice as it was, he still ended up needing to leave that evening. He apologized profusely for needing to leave and said "I'm trying". I believe him. I can see it. It's just hard to see him hurt and hard to deal with it on my end. The next day, I awoke to a friend request on FB. I accepted. The rest of the day was very awkward. I ended up asking directly (after kind of getting on the subject) whether the x-OW would be at the conference he works at. He said yes. It makes total sense that she would. The conference is for veterinarians and she is also a veterinarian. He said it will be awkward and is causing a lot of anxiety. I told him matter of factly "she hasn't given up". He didn't argue the point. He then asked if I had given up. I told him that I shouldn't have to fight. The choice is his. But my door is open. He simply responded "yeah".
That evening was pretty awful. We've been battling depression issues in my D. Although she's started on medication, getting back into the rhythm of school has been tough and she was in a foul mood that evening. After a long discussion/argument with her, I'd finally had it with her. She said some pretty hurtful things, essentially saying that "no one in the family does anything unless pressured to do so". Given the fact that I've been managing the household solo for about a year, and I just finished making her a homemade meal, and I'm dealing with emotional issues with H, that was a blow I really didn't appreciate. I sent her to take a shower and emailed H. I apologized for bothering him given the amount of stress/anxiety I know he was under but let him know of her attitude (and the fact that she had threated to run away NUMEROUS times) and that I would probably spend the night in the living room in case she was stupid enough to try running away. I then went into my bedroom and had a good cry.
Less than an hour later, H showed up to the house. I was surprised to see him. He gave me a hug and as soon as he did that, I kind of broke down a bit. It's the first time I'd done that since the bomb. Ironically, the tears were about D, not about our issue. He just held me. Then said matter of factly, "I'm back". I said something like "I can see that". Then he repeated with emphasis "No, I'm BACK" (implying he was not planning to leave anymore). I just hugged harder. He said, "I don't know if I can make you happy, and I don't know if I can be happy, but it's gotta be better than where we are right now". He then spent several hours talking to D. When it comes to depression issues, he's a much better person to talk to her than I and I think he really made a difference.
I don't know what the future holds and whether he'll be able to stay as he states. He's only been back a few days and two of those, I had to go out of town. He leaves for the conference tomorrow evening and will be there for the next two weeks. D and I will go up there next weekend and hangout at the conference for several days. Knowing that the x-OW will be there is difficult but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. As always, I continue to take one day at a time.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Alb - so sorry about D! I can't imagine what you r going through right now with her. Scary. But I am so glad H came to the house. as much as we like to say we are strong and hear us roar, we can handle it all without them...when it comes to very difficult situations with our kids, we just NEED THEM! At least I do.
I dred more than anything about my sitch the thought of being a single mom. nightmare.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Issues with D persist. Took her to an orthodontist appt a few days ago. She was in a foul mood. When she was done, the dental asst asked me to please discuss with D that cursing in the back is not appropriate because there are small children around. I was stunned. When I looked at D, she just yelled "I'm tired of being nice to everyone!". Needless to say, she's grounded and I yelled at her all the way home. I've not "yelled" at her in a loooooong time. Part of my new found patience, but I felt she needed an ass-chewing. She said nothing. Basically told her that she needed to wake up and realize that if everyone around her is telling her she has issues she needs to resolve, chances are they are right and she's wrong, not the other way around etc etc. She's battling depression and hates school, life etc. In a a way, learning all about MLC has really helped in my understanding of what she's dealing with.
The next day when I picked her up from school, I asked her how her day was. She said it was better than the day before and the reason was because she's realized she DOES have a problem. She's not sure what exactly, but she realizes that she does. So that's a positive sign. I guess the mantra "do something different" can apply to situations where occasionally you need to yell at someone in order to get them to finally listen. So we'll see.
As for H, he has been working the conference for a few days now. He's been in regular contact with me and he actually sounds fairly good mood-wise which is unusual since this conference is ALWAYS hell for him. D and I will head over there after she gets out of school tomorrow and we will stay with him through Monday. We usually don't see much of him since he's so busy, but I enjoy the conference (since it's about veterinary medicine) and D enjoys staying in the hotel. I don't know when x-OW will arrive but I'm trying to keep that out of my head. Since she is friends with many of the staff, the chances of me seeing her are pretty high. I will do my best to not pay much attention because I really don't want that kind of stress. But I can't help but wonder what I will/would do if put in a situation where we find ourselves together. H works in a side room with a lot of other staff and it often becomes a place to "hang out". I don't want to be a bitch. But I also don't feel that being "nice" is warranted either. I considered leaving the area which is a good idea unless the area happens to contain my H in which case it seems like I should stand my ground and stay. Ugh. Anyone else had to deal with this?
It's been hard to gauge H's mood since he's working so hard. But I've noticed he's been in a fairly good mood all things considered. In the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if it doesn't have to do with the fact that he will be seeing x-OW, even innocently. I wouldn't put it past her to invite H and his friends out for lunch/dinner etc. But then I rethink about the sitch and know that the fact that this conference is so far going a lot better than most, is MORE likely the reason for his good mood. As with all things, I'll take it one day at a time. I will enjoy the conference, learn lots of stuff, and wear hot clothes. That last part tends to help most situations.....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Ok girlfriend, this is what I would LIKE to do if I was at the conference and I was in the same place as her...
grab her by the back of the head and punch her right in the face.
This is what I would actually do...
Stand right next to my husband and smile - huge friggin smile. look her right in the eye when you see her. She won't say anything and she won't do anything. but if you don't seem confident she will sense it and dwell on it. Your confidence could potentially kill hers!!!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
You're always good for a laugh! But I like your suggestion. Stand tall and proud. I did nothing wrong. I shouldn't be afraid and have every reason to feel confident. Thanks for the reminder. Now I'm half hoping I DO see her!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
