Well, I posted in the Newcomers section, but I feel I need to be here. I have been reading these posts and about MLC and I so believe that my H is in the mist of MLC. After 20 years of marriage I found out that H had been having an affair for about 6 months. He moved out and said that he needed space and time. I have been on this rollercoaster for about 2 months now and it has been insane. I am not sure I can handle the long ride. The one thing is that I do believe in my vows and want to stay married, but sometimes it is so hurtful to hear him rewrite our history. Plus he says he loves her! UGH! I am thankful that he is at least being a good dad to our D. I have good and bad days. On one hand I could crawl up in a hole and cry until I die because this hurts so bad. On the other I know that I am beautiful, strong and that God will be there for me no matter what happens with my husband. We will see how the journey goes, but I think I have found the right place to vent and get information. Sitch currently is that I am trying to just remain friends, but I don't contact H unless it has to do with D. He comes on Tuesday and Thursday to D driving and then I usually cook dinner for all of us. The problem is he stays for about an hour afterwards and it drives me crazy. I just want him to come and go. Don't get me wrong. I am nice to him because I want to tread lightly. But how do I set a boundary here. He moved in with his parents, but spends the weekend with OW. I have been able to keep our interactions with just D and not the two of us together. But, on Saturday night we had dinner alone because D and her BF ate at a different table because they were going to a dance and did not want to sit with us. Of course I have vomit mouth and can't stop myself from R talk, and he tells me he is "confident, but conflicted about wanting to be with the OW, but he thinks his guilt is what is causing the conflict." DUH!!! So, I want to just let go and just take care of me. Detaching is just so hard. He still hugs me when he leaves and I am just not sure if I should let this be happening?
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Hi Lorie....I understand how you are feeling. Im going thru this again for the 20th time I think over the last 4 years with my H. It is hard and you do want to crawl in a hole some days...but you are right, God is there with you to help you through this. If your uncomfortable with your H being there for so long after you cook for him, maybe you shouldnt offer to cook dinner for him anymore, or maybe if you do just say you have plans to leave afterwards...or maybe just leave him and your D to spend time together and you go about doing something else around the house. I have had to do that before....but most of the time H would follow me.
Like you, my H wants to Hug me when he leaves. Its hard and I have thought about telling him that I didnt want a hug, but I guess its just because Sometimes I do want that hug....I guess its what ever you can handle and deal with.
Sorry you are here having to deal with this.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I don't know how you have been able to deal with it so many times! I am not sure I would be strong enough for that, you are a strong person. I have decided to make small goals for myself and my first one is to make it through this week with a smile look forward to the holidays. Yes, it is so hard but I can fake it until I make or the week passes by. Do you have a goal this week?
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I am reading the threads Cadet gave me. They are very insightful. Tonight I had to go work at the high school basketball game in the concessions, D is in the marching band, and D and H decided to come to the game so she could take pictures, she's also on the yearbook staff. I came out several times to talk to friends and I would catch him looking at me. It was so uncomfortable. I worked really hard to seem happy and laughing with my friends. He came to the concession stand to tell me how well D did driving. I listened to him with a smile on my face and congratulated my D on her driving skills. I have been very pleasant around H and otherwise have allowed him his space. I don't call, text or email him. I pray for him alot! The problem is I can't stand to be around him for long, because it just makes me uncomfortable. I feel he is scrutinizing everything I do and who I am talking to and what we are talking about. I know, mind reading, but it is kind of creepy at times. He doesn't contact me either. But talks to me about day to day stuff when he comes to take D driving. Is it just me, or is this uncomfortable feeling normal? I am really getting nervous for Christmas eve and day because he is coming here to spend the night (in the spare bedroom) and most of the day with us. I hate the uncomfortable feeling I have and am afraid I won't be able to hide it from his as well as I have been. UGH!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Today, I am feeling stronger and know that I can do this and move forward with my life. One H may wake up from his fog, and one day he may not. I think I have come to terms with this idea. I am working so hard on detaching and focus on how to become a better me. I have ordered a couple of other books to read and feel knowledge is power. I have learned so much here and believe it will just make me stronger.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Sorry you find yourself here I can definitely relate to your pain and confusion It is very hard to decide which tactics to follow and it hurts so much to be friends with the man you are M too and knowing he has OW It takes time to figure it all out Cadet has some great resources read as much as you can focus on u get a couselor, if you dont have one this journey can be used for your good your growth unfortunately, our H have to go to figure it out many of them get OWs to help ease the pain many of them may spiral down in their lives cover yourself..cover your finances do not trust anything he says or does maybe seek legal guidence just to know your rights many mlcer will overspend, using all the saving and creating debt
My suggestions are : If you feel uncomfortable, set boundries you do not have to be his confidant you do not have to be his friend cordial is enough spend all your energy on you and your daughter You didnt create the MLC and you cant cure him now
exercise read sleep eat get with friends who understand and can support you join a support group pray the pain lightens and as you will read most LBS seem to find their way they change for the better our lives become good again with or without the mlcer the journey becomes a blessing- hang in peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks to all who have posted. I am still taking things day by day. I am reading a lot and have found so much information and it has helped me to detach. I am going to talk with H after the holidays and set some boundaries. H is going to come spend the night in the guest room on Christmas Eve so we can open presents on Christmas Morning with our D. I really am not looking forward to it, but this is what my D wanted. I am just thankful that I will have New Year's all to myself.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Today is Christmas Eve, and I am looking forward to spend time with my family. H is coming to the house tonight to spend the night and open gifts as a family in the morning. Though I am praying for a Christmas Miracle and hoping he will wake up tomorrow and see how much he misses his family. I do not have any expectations of this and will be glad to have the holidays over with so that I can get this behind me. I know it will be easier to detach, and move on taking care of me after the weekend is over.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I don't know why my posts are not going through, but I have to vent right now. I was not looking forward to H being here over night for Christmas eve and I am now so pissed because he is texting OW! Right in front of me! I want to tell him I find this disrespectful, not just to me, but to our D as well! UGH!! I am so mad! I am going to keep my mouth shut! But I want to scream at him to stop!! UGH!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
