I have to be in court for the Final Hearing on the divorce on Thursday, January 13, 2011 at 9:00am. So all, this is the day that H and I could be divorced.
Sanderika, I can't tell you how incensed I am that the government takes it upon itself to terminate a M, even though neither party has demonstrated a firm commitment to D. In my situation, we had one meeting with our Ls and the judge. I don't think the judge even read my response to H's petition. We'd met for about 5 minutes when the judge said "You've only been M'ed for 1 year (we'd been together for 5 years). This (finalizing the D) shouldn't take very long." My heart broke when I saw the judge's cold attitude. He didn't even ask if we'd ever gone to M counseling or tried to work things out. I don't see how dissolving marriages without even trying to reconcile them is a good thing for society.
In my state, Dr. Bill Doherty, a psychologist, has spearheaded an effort to provide an option for reconciliation to couples who have filed for D (http://www.drbilldoherty.org/cdtraining.php). In some of his writings he talks about the history of how American courts decided in the 1960s and 1970s that quick Ds led to less animosity after D. The legal profession led this movement. However, social research conducted over the past 40 or so years has shown that the high rate of D has led to a lot of unhappiness. On NBC's Today Show this morning there was a segment on how loneliness has become so pervasive in society and particularly among baby boomers. Splitting up homes is not the solution when problems can be worked out.
What I wanted to say to you Sanderika is that when the judge said this to H and me, WE decided to take back control over our situation and negotiate our decree ourselves, rather than to let some a$$hat (pardon my language) judge, who didn't know anything about us, make decisions about our lives. If you and H can come to some type of decision between yourselves before the court date, you will take control away from the court and back to both of you. This process ended up bonding H and me. Neither of us liked our Ls or the judge.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Odds are not in favor of reconciliation post divorce.
I would like to propose to you that you and H are not even close to the average couple that Ds. Your H still loves you and you love him. You have already proven that you are an unusual couple.
Your recent convo with H gave me hope.............. and possibly some insight into what my XH might be thinking. I thank you for this.
I'm back!!! Lots of really interesting and encouraging reading here. I'll be interested to keep reading your updates Sanderika. Rabbit's advice is perfect....stick with slow and steady.
D and I had a successful but incredibly exhausting time away.
Things with H are not good. He came to swimming twice but he did not inform either D or me.
It's a long story...........
I need a new thread....Sanderika perhaps you should name it!!!
I am sorry that things with your H aren't going well either.
I don't really understand these guys at all.
The conclusion I have come to is this:
Our H's at this point in time (mine anyway) want to be free. I really believe that right now they simply want to be left alone to continue to do as they please, as they please it.
They are so interested in freedom that they only.....
Behave like a H when it suits them. Behave like a Dad when it suits them. Behave like a Boyfriend to OW when it suits them. Behave like a Friend when it suits them. Behave like a Son when it suits them.
My H appears to want me in his life but without a marriage certificate joining us together. I have been reluctant to post this but the truth is we were "together" a week ago. Spent an entire afternoon enjoying each others company (very much) and we ended up having sex.
The problem is: For me it was a loving gesture towards my H, for H I think it was a loving encounter just with a much more casual meaning. Can this lead to something else? It probably could in a different time and place just not right now. H doesn't want more with me anyway. I can't really allow H to be this way with me in a casual(friends with benefits)kinda way. The only reason I allow myself to be with H is because H is my husband and I am his lawfully wedded wife and to me it's an act of love in this way. Once divorced I will not be able to have sex with H.
It has made me think if perhaps I am grasping for the last ditch effort to save this marriage. If that's the case, than who am I hurting......MYSELF!!!!!!!!!
I plan to be divorced on January 13th. This has me torn up and very sad that my precious family will truly be broken and I am positive H is looking at it as relief and that is why he is not contesting anything or attending anything. H just wants it and our marriage to go away.
I have pondered many comments H has said and this one is screaming at me:
"I think our relationship will be even better after we divorce than it is right now".
Better than this????????????????? What the heck does that mean????????????????
This is a great confusion to me......
I wonder what Christmas will bring.
Cas, a new name for your next thread:
"My H tested the water...It's still too cold"
I should start my own:
"Will a divorce bring about a new beginning for us"
Cas, I hope you are feeling well. I hope you will be able to post the long story for us as you are able....Please take care,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika it would only be normal for you to want to enjoy that "togetherness" and if it was only for "old times sake" who could blame you for want of a better word..
But as you say it is cake eating, I allowed some cake eating when it seemed that H was coming home, but I had a date to stop, so you would be right to say the day the D happens you are no longer his wife and not being one to sleep around it will no longer happen!
I know you have your son to think about but I certainly had decided that if a D was to happen I could no longer be a friend to H, I couldnt have been around him playing that part, I would not have been his friend but his XW so I had planned only on seeing him when my son had special days in his life and I wanted to attend, bearing in mind S is 23 it wouldnt have been that often..
Try and detach for the time being now, see what Xmas brings and maybe pre-empt the ending of your M and you not being a friend talk so that he knows what is going to happen. Strange how some WAS seem to need a D to start afresh even if it happens to be with their LBS.
Always thinking of you!
Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
It's taken me a bit of reading to get caught up with all the news around here...plenty happening for you GAG and Sanderika, too. Hi Rabbit!!
Had a great time with D and she had a really successful week.
As brief as I can manage......
Before we left D and I discussed the week with H and when he could come to watch D race and he provided the excuse he had to work on his days off. (He did say he could come two morning sessions.) I did remind him that he was only working casually but I made no other comment. However, his working excuse didn't sit very comfortably with me......
Day 1 I text D's results. Day 2 H calls and wants to know how D is and all about her race from the night before. All very pleasant.
That night I text results once again and H replied. I sent an immediate text back to ask if he could speak........I had some car trouble and needed some advice. Got no response so sorted the problem myself (and hoped I was taking the correct action!!)
Later on I realised.....H was at a concert; certainly not hard at work. Although annoyed that he had lied about working and that he could afford these tix but very limited support for D I didn't mention it.
24 hours later a text from H with a request for more information about D. I asked why he hadn't responded to my text. He said he had but realised the next morning that it did not send. No apology or check if things were ok or ask why I wanted to speak ( I don't usually ask H to speak). Then no further contact.
Two days later I saw H leaving swimming venue. He didn't see me. I text him and suggested that he could have stayed a little longer as I was on timekeeping duty ; ) He replied that he had to work. I commented on D's great swim that morning and he agreed.
An hour later H text to say he would be seeing his solicitor to sell our house if I didn't get things settled by the end of Jan. I said as I have a million times before that it was up to him to come and pick up the paperwork. He claimed I refused to give him the paperwork. I denied my refusal but offered paperwork on my return.
I offered over the next few days to provide further details about D's results. (I didn't mention the concert but D did.) He either ignored my messages or declined the offer.
On my return home I sent another message. He replied, stating I only ever thought about myself and that he was tired of the 'same old, same old.' He said he would no longer be in contact and would no longer be a taxi to D and that I should leave him alone.
C, Sounds to me that your h is having a "little boy tantrum" and is using your D as a way to get back at you. Unfortunately, he is the one that is huring his relationship w/his D. Of course, you are the big, mean lady who is holding up the paperwork. He's still in the blaming mode and will be there for quite some time.
C, you do what you need to do for you and your D. I'm sorry that he's pulling this crap so close to the holiday, but some of them do this because they are miserable and don't know how to move forward and help themselves.
I hope that you and your family have a Merry Christmas! Please do not allow his meltdown to ruin your holiday...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He is so wrong about you, everyone knows that. I think it eases his guilt to blame you for his problems. By being able to blame you or anyone else he doesn't have to face his mistakes.
I say: "let him blame you" Smile at him when he is.
I say: "I agree with you, leave him alone" He should be careful for what he wishes for.
I say: "get the solicitor's paperwork to him, pronto" The ball will be in his court to do with as he pleases.
You and D are going to be just fine. One day he will realize that his choice and actions only hurt himself. By then it will be when he is a lonely miserable old man because he pushed his loving family as far away as possible.
I did some reading on the Distancer and Pursuer as was written by Snodderly about 4 years ago.
I understand the issues. I am moving forward without H. I have huge regrets for my enabling actions a couple of weeks ago. I am planning for my demands for Jan. 13th. They will blow H to smitherines.....
I feel sorry for your H and mine, unfortunately they will not face the destruction or hit bottom until they are left alone to realize the mess they are in and have made. And, as they say, it will then be our choice to accept their apologies and welcome them back. My guess is you and I will be some place else in our lives and while we may have a nice conversation it will not be to welcome them back.
You are strong and you will survive this, I know this because you and I are similar and I am surviving. What I thought once would kill me has made me a stronger woman and a better person. I am grateful this Christmas for having had the opportunity to grow and blossom....AND, you are too
I will be thinking of you during this season.
Merry Christmas to you and daughter and son....
(((Warm Hugs)))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I am very sorry that H is having a tantrum. Snodderly and Sanderika have shared some very wise words with you. (Thanks to both of you from me.) I'm wondering if H is being influenced by his mother over the holiday...or maybe is feeling really bad about himself because of his job situation............Regardless, Cas, please be good to yourself. Do something special JUST for you.
I think a lot of these MCLers eventually realize that they have made a mess of everything. I am about to post a story on my thread about the X-brother-in-law of a co-worker who returned to his XW after 7 years.
I am saying a prayer for you this evening that God will comfort you in this difficult time.
Merry Christmas! (Cas, sorry for the hijack.) I want to thank you VERY much for sharing your wisdom here with everyone throughout the past year. You are very kind, strong, and wise. I know that you know this,........ but the answers that you are seeking are all inside of you. I pray that you will have the peace of mind to find them.
