OK, you felt guilty about banging the last woman so what do you do...go our and bang another and feel guilty about it. Does this sound like a man who has his sh!t together? It's all about validation, I'm a desirable man if women want me. It's got nothing to do with finding a real R. Btw, you don't want a real R because you are still attached to STBX and your marriage. Admit it and deal with it. It's OK to still be attached but if you know that then don't go leaving a trail of condoms behind you and cry "I feel guilty". You have choices and you're making ones that will just complicate your life and your ability to detach. Sex will not help you detach. You aren't ready to date...simple as that and, again, there's nothing wrong with that!
I agree. You aren't ready to date. Get your emotions in check and learn to be alone again...completely alone. You're attracting what you are, not what you want.
Enjoy this time to feel every emotion so you can heal and get back to a place where you can have a healthy relationship with someone who is also emotionally healthy.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
stop having sex with these random women. You're not in any place to feel good about it aftewards. You need to deal with your feelings before involving your emotions/genitals/brain in other people.
I mean, what if you get a stage 5 clinger? No good. You are hurt right now. I know you don't want to hurt anyone else either.
Actually, it was the same woman. Not two separate ones. It also wasn't a bar pickup -- if that matters.
I don't think my regret means I'm not ready to date. I think this isn't one I'd want to see long term. It comes back to the girls. I just wouldn't feel comfortable introducing her to them.
I think about Church 31. I would be comfortable introducing the girls to her. She's still dating someone though.
Yes. I don't want a Stage 5 Clinger. Truthfully, I'd rather not have to worry about it and instead be working on my marriage. That's not my reality.
This little three-week drama has me refocused. Yes. I was seeking validation and I got it ... and it wasn't as important as I'd built it up to be in my head. Now I look around and think I've got a lot of things going for me. I'm not going to be sitting home watching movies the rest of my life.
I remember when I first moved out. The girls asked me if I'd remarry. I told them yes, I liked being married.
Now? I'm not so sure. Things would have to be awfully perfect to make that leap again.
The biggest problem I have right now is finances. I can't afford a relationship until the D is final. The two "dates" with Match 36 cost me money I really didn't have to spend.
Quick update. This was my year to have the girls Christmas morning, but I told STBXW that they could wake up at "the house." It's the only they've ever known and who knows how many more Christmases they'll have there. STBXW has started missing house payments. Once you fall behind, it's very, very hard to catch up.
So the girls woke up there. I went over and watched them open presents. Then they came over and opened mine. I went to work while they went to their grandmother's house. They were dropped off at night and Sunday we went to Wisconsin Dells for a couple of days. Monday night I stopped in a town near Madison to see my cousin. Three other cousins were up and they wanted to talk about what was going on. So I went through everything -- except the three-week Match 36 drama.
Now I am seriously broke. I am going to be laying low January and February. Only health club trips, work on my book projects, free stuff with the girls -- sledding, library, local museums.
I continue to text Match 36. She's out of a job right now and feeling down on herself so I'm being a friend. She wants me to come up but she knows my schedule ... I think the whole thing will peter out soon. It already is.
Next court date is Jan. 11. Another status hearing and nothing new on the divorce front.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I'm not going to be sitting home watching movies the rest of my life.
As if you've ever sat at home just watching movies! Btw, I sure am glad you aren't banging the woman from your church support group! As far as dating, c'mon you're not ready to date, you're already thinking about Match whatever number she is in terms of suitable/unsuitable for marriage and you barely know her...not that you should want to know her from what I've heard so far but...watch a movie, it'll be good for you!
New Years Eve has kind of turned into New Years week -- and I'm seriously tired.
Tuesday, a friend was in from Massachussetts and we headed out. He got divorced in 2009 and has been one of my call buddies when I'm down.
Wednesday, girls were over and we just laid around. That was good.
Last night, I got free hockey tickets and took friends from my church group -- then I went to a friend's fiance's birthday party. That was too much fun. I had to get a ride home at 2 a.m. so I'm moving at half speed today.
The crowd was -- except for me -- a bunch of mid 20-somethings. There were eight couples, all either married or engaged. All nice people. I was talking to another friend and we counted them out and figured statistically four of these couples aren't going to make it. I remembered when STBXW and I were in our 20s and everyone was getting married. Sad thought.
The Match_36 girl has been texting to see if I'll come up and see her tonight. Part of me reaaalllllyyyy wants to, but I turned her down. She isn't what I'm looking for and, thinking with my brain here, it makes no financial sense to spend money and gas going to see her.
I'm actually in at work. I volunteered to be the editor tonight so I could get an extra day off during the week. I'll get off at 9 p.m. and another old coworker is having a party. I'll head there for a bit. If it's fun I'll stay. If it isn't? This year I'll have no trouble going home and getting some sleep. Last year, I was DESPERATE to do something, anything. Not now. I have a poker game planned for tomorrow.
I am looking forward to 2011. 2009 was the year the bottom fell out. 2010 was the year I dusted myself off. 2011 is the year I take off again.
I've taken some hammering on the boards, but I feel like I came a long way this year. Finding the house was a key. Getting my brain out of the fog so I could start thriving at work was key. The Thursday night church singles group was very key. Sorry, even Match_36 was key.
There are bumps in the road ahead. Finishing the divorce is the great unknown. I am curious how I will feel the day it's done? I have a tentative plan to just go sit at church when it's over and write a long letter to STBXW -- and then safely tuck it away in a safe deposit box.
We'll see. I won't celebrate, that's for sure.
New Year's resolutions.
1) I really want to finish writing a book this year. That's the one thing professionally I can do that would change my life. I need to finish one. I said that last year and I made progress but didn't get there.
2) Find a new way to stay in shape. This toe injury appears to be permanent, which means the end to competitive basketball. I have been playing since I was 11 years old. I'm going to miss it and I'm going to miss how it kept me in shape without me really having to work at it. Now, I have to figure out a plan and stick with it.
3) Stay on my spending plan. It feels good to know I've rebuilt my life to the point where I can go out pretty much every night if I wanted to. I can't afford that so now it's my choice to stay home and not a lack of options. That's key.
4) Stay connected. An awful lot of people have helped me over the past 18 months and as I keep going and rebuilding things I need to remember to stay in touch. I dropped a lot of people from my life as the M went south. I don't want that to happen again.
5) Remember what's important and that's D11 and D8. I've read some other resolutions on here and several include a "find someone" this year. I'm not going to include that. I'm going to keep all doors open -- including to STBXW -- and I don't know if the right person will walk through one of them this year, next year or whenever. But I'm not going to put artificial barriers in place or artificial deadlines to meet. I am ready to date, but I'm going to be awfully picky this time around.
6) Stay humble. Listen instead of give advice. Keep looking for ways to help at my church. Let go of the things I can't change. Have infinite patience. Set an example for the girls.
That's enough rambling.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
