Hi Antonia, Thanks for your post. Your warmth, caring and compassion really came through in your words and for that I am truly grateful.
Hey Rabbit, I have to say I don't know what's best for me!!! For now I think it is going dark on H and establishing my own life. Tomorrow I could think differently!!
GAG, your ongoing support is so appreciated.You're right....I won't be listening to his spew. That much I have learnt. It is spew, nothing more and he needs to spew in an attempt to reassert his power. I don't need to listen or to take heed of his words as they are not true. I cannot remember how many times he has told me he will never speak to me again.
Update: H invited d to lunch with s. D was indecisive. We considered the options of going or not going and she decided to attend. She said it was strained.S was late arriving so D had 45 mins with him alone with this strained conversation.
Last night H sent me an email asking me if I could please in the near future change my phone account and let him know if I would be keeping that number as he will then close the account. It opened with Hi and finished with thankyou. Given the tension recently I am surprised by the relaxed nature of the communication. I am surprised by the politeness of the email. D is also on that account and H hasn't told her she has to get a new account so not sure why I have to come off but she doesn't.
Hello Sanderika! I am just sending wishes to you and hoping you and s are travelling along well. I hope that you haven't posted because you are so busy with the good things in life. (((((Sanderika)))))
You sound a bit better than you did a few days ago. I hope that going dim/dark has helped you. Beatrice's perspective was very interesting, wasn't it? It really makes me wonder how these people can lose touch with reality so completely. It sounds as though they have a huge need to control for some reason ---- maybe life was really out of control for them when they were children? That's what I thought when I read what you wrote about your H wanting you to close your phone account. Is he paying for the account? or is his name on the account? Is there any reason for him to want it closed now? or is this just his way of exerting control?
Originally Posted By: dolphin_05
I cannot remember how many times he has told me he will never speak to me again.
I laughed out loud when I read this ^^^^^ (GAG crosses her eyes).
If H is trying to control you this much he must also be trying to control others around him too. Good plan to stay as far away as possible while he is like this. Let everyone else get a taste of that!........If H's most recent communication with you was more polite, maybe he is cycling as Sanderika said in one of her recent posts?
Cas, you've shown amazing patience and grace in the midst of this storm. You have continued to make a home for your children. You will reap the rewards of your hard work in time. Have no doubt about this. This is the way the universe operates.
It is already 2011 where you are, but it's still 2010 where I am. I will think about you tomorrow morning (here) when I see the news footage of fireworks over the Sydney Opera House. Let's both of us make this year ours!
I've thought about H's childhood quite a bit and my only thought is that H controlled things to a degree at home with his family. His parents are passive aggressive and H used his strong determination to do what he wanted.
To be honest I didn't see signs of this with me until later in our marriage. I read Antonia say something similar in relation to her H and her work; that as she progressed career wise then issues became more apparent.
Thinking back I don't remember too many issues but then again I didn't need controlling as I was probably self controlled. AS a people pleaser, I probably did everything i could to keep H happy, although subconsciously. We worked together in our business very successfully but when I look back I see that I did a lot in our business but I let H claim the accolades. (No wonder life was smooth!!)
When we sold our business I returned to re-establish my career. H was happy with that but perhaps as I grew more independent, establishing friendships and developing a career path this would have shaken his self esteem and security?? When I was sick he was in control again and all was great but it was as i started to get well that he started his A.
So is ow much more needy than me? I really don't know but I'd say so. H seems to keep her at a distance. I have no doubt that he control her, too. I've seen her in action and she definitely has him on a pedestal.
As for the phone.... the contract is due for renewal in Feb. According to S, H has already organised his separate account so I think this is just an essential rather than a control thing. It's just interesting that it was written so politely when he has been in a more controlling phase of late. I haven't replied at this stage....
Maybe it does me good to keep posting because even as I write this I wonder why I'd want him back??????
Btw, GAG, MIL phoned last night to wish us a happy new year. She chatted happily. I deliberately added H's name to the conversation twice but of course didn't speak about current issues.
Replied to H's email. Just said thanks, I would look into the phone and let him know what I decided.
H invited D to the movies tomorrow. I am glad he is reconnecting but I must say I get annoyed that he has this parenting gig so easy........occasional lunch, movie. How easy!
Today D drove us to a beach area 2 hours north and we had lunch and a browse at the shops. The intention was to increase her driving hours which we did of course but it was a pleasant outing as well. Today was so hot.........
Rightly or wrongly I called h today and asked him if we could just move on. To begin he said yes and answered everything I said with yes or no. As the conversation moved on he seemed to warm slightly.
He basically told me it was too complicated with me because I had expectations that he couldn't fulfil (my interpretation) so he thought it was easier to stay away. (I did want to say, "Yes my expectations are just common manners" but I declined.)
I got the impression that he still enjoyed my company but thought I was too high maintenance.
They say feedback is a wonderful gift!!!!
His feedback has given me a way forward........have no expectations, but I also think I'm at the stage where I need to continue working on myself and forget about him except to organise the settlement.
I specifically called him to get the settlement and divorce on the road. I was very clear when I said I wanted to get the settlement underway and over with.
Along the way H has always said we will get along better when settled and divorced and I have always said this wouldn't be the case because I would have no contact with him except in relation to the children. Today I told him that I had disagreed with this notion but now I can see he is right because this will no longer be hanging over our heads and influencing our thoughts and feelings.
I'm over worrying if this was the right course of action but I am interested to see what others think.
Hi, this is a quick response because I am briefly on-line and then I have to run.
What you are hearing is standard MLC script. They do think we are high maintenance. We give them nothing, in their eyes, and require relating to. We continue to arouse complicated emotions in them, we are not a quick fix. remember, 'Lazy, selfish and entitled' when they are in MLC. Harsh, but sadly true.
Divorce of itself does not change the underlying situation. They think it will 'clarify' things.
Please note he is still finding reasons to blame you with his 'high maintenance' comment If you honestly are, then face it. Some people are, but often they are worth it anyway. But likely you are not, just a normal human being with normal needs.
Try not to worry so much about what your h thinks and feels until he comes out of this. It doesn't much matter, as it will change from day to day, hour to hour. You are still very focused on him and his crazy world, which doesn't make sense most of the time. What we do need is for them not to have any emotional or other power over us, so take it back.
Let's both of us make this year ours!