This Storm Shall Pass

[dolphin_05]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...348#Post2116348

Given H's recent temper tantrum and his refusal to accept the settlement papers he was so anxious to receive from me I had some not so kind ideas for a thread name......

I opted for 'This Storm Shall Pass' because although H may not ever get over his issues I know I will.

I am keen to move ahead and get the settlement and divorce organised because it means that H can no longer hold it over my head.

I am always learning and this time I have once again been burned by trusting H. Unfortunately he is no longer the honest man I married.

Why do I keep forgiving him? I honestly don't know.........

What I do know is that H will do everything in his power to thwart settlement proceedings and challenge my every claim. My stomach churns at the prospect of the months ahead.

[dolphin_05]

And Rabbit, thanks for the article on avoiders and clingers. I do need to read it again but I can see us both in there. I get what you mean about me being the clinger and it is related to my fear of abandonment. Maybe that's why I keep on forgiving him. He needs space and no pressure which is what his mother said to me that ow provides.

[courageous wife]

I like the name of your new thread Cas!
It is absolutely true!!!

[AntoniaB]

I don't think I'm up on your thread, but I'll comment on what you've posted above. "This Storm Shall Pass" is a great thread name because you're being proactive and thinking of a brighter future. My friends always say that the sun will shine again despite the storm clouds now. Hold on to that hope.

I also almost look forward to my divorce being final (any day now) because it means that my H can no longer hold me or us accountable for his problems. Once that divorce is final, his problems are HIS OWN. I relish that day...

I don't understand why I forgive my H. I want to destroy, as in, tear limb from limb, the OW, but him? I am FAR too kind to him. I still don't understand why. I think it might have to do with self-esteem--as in, you believe that only HE gives you self-worth, so that you are willing to accept anything he does to you as ok in order not to lose him. That's a dangerous thing to believe, but I understand it and know I need to work past it.

If your stomach churns at the months ahead, then know this: that we will be here for you. It will be very tough, yes. But you will make it, because we are all here for you. And you probably have family or friends there for you too. But in coming here, you guaranteed that a set group of people would be here for you, and you will make it!!!

[Sanderika]

(((Cas)))

Great thread name, it is the absolute truth in more ways than one...PERFECT CHOICE

Your S is correct. Your H would go through with his demands and you would have been divorced by now if he truly wanted one from you.

Cas, if you think about it nothing would have stopped him if he was ready and really wanted this. You know him, I'm right and so is son. I have said the same thing about my H many times. H*ll, I still don't think my H wants one......

Your H is still eyeball deep in confusion. He has been taken by surprise by your "Close-Encounter" reconnection that occurred this spring, feelings for you stirred in him again. Your unconditional love, patience, forgiveness and generousity is what has him thrown.

Cas, you can keep forgiving him because you know in your heart and soul this man you see now is not your H. This H is his MLC personality. AND, down deep you know the real H (your H) will emerge one day from this h*ll he lives in now.

This man is the OW's created monster. I have said in my sitch so many times that my H and his OW make horrible people together. My hometown family and friends know exactly what I mean. My guess is the same in your H and his OW situation.

Further, I have been thinking....IMO, your H is being pressured by his OW (and probably MIL) to end the marriage with you. I think MIL lied to you. OW do not offer/make "no-pressure, complacent" lovers. Sorry, they are controlling, manipulative, self- centered, gold-digging b*tches with one thing in mind, marrying our H's.

He can spew such venom at you because he thinks if he pushes your buttons hard enough the Cas he doesn't like will emerge and then he can say "I knew it, she hasn't changed at all". This is where you beat him to his own game and you have the Cas he left buried deep forever, he only will ever see the Cas of today no matter how hard he tries to push, anger and intimidate.

It isn't you or D he is upset with, it is this chithole he has gotten himself stuck in. He feels better when he is mean to you because he is giving the OW and maybe MIL what they want. Which makes him feel even more like a creep because he doesn't want to be mean to you or D. AND, he doesn't want a divorce!!

IMO they probably talk smack about you to him, so every time you smile at him, speak kindly to him, do something nice for him it validates his reasons for not divorcing you.

I know this is crazy, crazy stuff....it's them though...really!!

NOW, he will draw the conclusion to do something like mine did. Look back at me....Did H doing something, he filed for a D in September and it didn't bring him what he wanted - NO WAY!!! He is still confused (his words) and will remain so until he makes up his mind once and for all.....This is the hard part because of the turmoil and all the time spent in working hard to maintain.

IMO, you go dark on H. You have some discussions with D to forgive her father. He will be stubborn, he's male after all. Wait on the papers until he asks for them. When he asks, you comply with a smile and forgiveness. It will only get nasty if you are willing to play nasty. My H knows I am not, thus our situation is far from nasty. I have my H confused because I behave the opposite of how expects me to and he likes who I am.

I am going to help you Cas in any way that I can. All I can offer you is my opinions and what's worked for me advice. I have 5.5 years of MLC drama under my belt. I've pretty much been around the barn with all the crap they can come up with.

It's not over til it's over and then it still won't be because it's a male MLC and they won't let go of us.......IMO a divorce will not change anything and they know it.

(((Warm Hugs and Thoughts)))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Sanderika,

Firstly I need to thank you for your ongoing support. It has been vital to my sanity!!

I agree that going dark is the way to go. I have no intentions of being anything other than me so there will be no animosity on my part. H knows I am here if and when he wishes to talk again.

Today after reading the article on clingers and avoiders I stumbled across another interesting, thought provoking forum. It talked about people who feel the need to remain in control of others and the imbalance of power in these situations. Reading this helped me see myself as giving my power away to H. I have enabled his controlling behaviour by letting him have ow and still be friends with me, and by putting up with his outbursts.

Was he always like this? No! Perhaps there were tendencies....
I'm not really sure but certainly I have excused woeful behaviour and I deserve better.

I understand now that it's not me that has the issue but H. He lashes out at me as a way of regaining control. That's why he can be friends one minute; (when he knows he is in control) but if he is challenged he then feels he is losing control and fights even harder. His words are hurtful although I now realise he doesn't believe them. It's his desperate need to regain control.

However, while I pander to him and continue to give away my power H will continue to walk all over me.

Moving on is my only chance at a real relationship with me and with H. It will allow me time and energy for me and help my health as well. I am not at peace atm and I need to regain this balance.

I need to focus on my goals for 2011 and getting the settlement and divorce over with. This will take away his final power over me.

I know I will find this incredibly difficult!!! That's where your support is so important to me! Sanderika try fb. GAG and Rabbit can help you with this too.

I have decided to stop posting at least for now as I feel it ensures I remain focussed on H and not me! I can't continue to let him dominate my thoughts.

Best wishes and thanks,

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas, (((( ))))) you are in my thoughts. Sometimes I think we need to get to the point where we take our WASs off their pedestals and don't really care what happens. We need to do this to take care of ourselves and our families. Let H be angry and spew to whomever will listen. You will not be there listening to him. At some point he will realize that no one is listening to him, just like a crying 2 year old. I will be checking in on you in the alt.

Sanderika, thank you SO much for that post!!!!!!!! It was full of hard-earned wisdom. Every word was meaningful. You are amazing! Thank you for sharing with all of us.

GAG

[beatrice]

Thanks for this post, it resonated so strongly with me on so many levels. The lashing out as a way of gaining control was a lightbulb moment.

I am finalising, or trying to finalise my divorce settlement. We reached an agreement nearly a year ago [the divorce is past its 2nd birthday now] and since then my h has been stalling, while insisting he really wants the divorce [he started proceedings]. The Courts will not now allow any further delays, and we have been trying to establish what he actually wants. I have suggested discussing this over the phone, face to face, through his lawyer, through both of our lawyers, as well as through mediators.

I have been told repeatedly by him that I am delaying things, and they are all ready. None of this is true. SO we are going to Court. It will cost a huge amount of money, and really there is little legal room for negotiation. We are not wealthy, just the accumulation of a long working life [minus the depredations of our wonderful children!]

The court case will cost more than any difference between what either of us might get, aside from what cannot be negotiated [pensions etc] and I would much rather he had it than the legal system/lawyers. I have written and explained all of this [he hasn't spoken to me since July when I told him off for some really awful behaviour].

I understand your need to stop posting, although this can be a useful outlet in times of stress. But if you do read this, please do get a wonderful lawyer whom you like and trust. It makes such a difference to feel that they are in your corner and protecting your interests. They know what is reasonable and unreasonable, and it really really helps.

You will likely have some very hurtful accusations, but know enough to realise they are not really about you. And the relief of this long nightmare finally being over is making me feel almost lightheaded. I never wanted the divorce, but now I want it very much because it represents my h's final attempts to control and manipulate me. But I am truly not bitter. I simply want to move on fully with my life. I had a great marriage, and know I make good and lasting relationships, I am fine on my own. I would not change my life.

Hugs for the months ahead.

[Lost Rabbit]

Cas I said before, you have to decide what is right for you! Isnt it strange how on an off chance you read some thing that leads to some thing else that is a total lightbulb..

The clingers and avoiders so resonated with me it was scary..

Sanderika, head towards FB hun! Let us know when your ready x

[dolphin_05]

Hi Beatrice, I can relate to much you have written.......

We reached an agreement nearly a year ago [the divorce is past its 2nd birthday now] and since then my h has been stalling, while insisting he really wants the divorce [he started proceedings].

This has been exactly our situation. H has insisted all the way through that I was stalling but we would discuss and negotiate and when it came time for signing he would have a blow up and be uncontactable for days and then say it was too late. Now he's saying I refused to give him documentation. I got the documentation and told him I had it, and we even had a date to complete it together. He worked on that day but made no effort to reschedule.

I have suggested discussing this over the phone, face to face, through his lawyer, through both of our lawyers, as well as through mediators.

I did the same. It resulted in H dropping his lawyer and representing himself; which was him sending abusive emails to my lawyer which cost me a lot of money and had no resolution.

I have been told repeatedly by him that I am delaying things, and they are all ready. None of this is true.

That's my experience!

I understand your need to stop posting, although this can be a useful outlet in times of stress

I am not sure of my wisdom in not posting but I am sure that I have to just let H go to do his thing. Perhaps that is key, not stopping of posting. All I know is that I have given so much time and energy to H and his family for no return.

please do get a wonderful lawyer whom you like and trust. It makes such a difference to feel that they are in your corner and protecting your interests. They know what is reasonable and unreasonable, and it really really helps.

I am concerned about this. She is a nice lady but i am not feeling confident and H certainly feels he can walk all over her. He thinks she hasn't got a clue.

You will likely have some very hurtful accusations, but know enough to realise they are not really about you.

I have had those accusations when we tried to settle before. His perspective is just warped and he made himself look like the ultimate bully. I did take offence but this time around I realise it is him trying to save face and reassert his power.

And the relief of this long nightmare finally being over is making me feel almost lightheaded. I never wanted the divorce, but now I want it very much because it represents my h's final attempts to control and manipulate me.

ditto!!

Beatrice, thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. It certainly helps to know that others have had/are having similar experiences. For quite a while there I thought it was me. I think H had me convinced that the issues were mine although he does have occasions when he acknowledges that he has 'issues'

Good luck with your pending case. I wish you the speediest of resolutions so that you can move on to fully create the life you are wishing for.

Cas