I guess I see things differently than some others on here. Mad? You bet I was! For awhile I tried the DB techniques...
Lorie,
Believe me, we all have gotten angry over this sort of behavior. Who wouldn't?
DB techniques work when you give them time to work. Are they going to save your M? Maybe, maybe not. However, they will save you and definately make relationships with other people (any type of relationship) better.
Originally Posted By: golfgirl1
I filed immediately because I didn't want to end up in financial ruin like many people have. My advice is to be smart, be selfish, and do for YOU! Have that PMA for YOU! Who cares about the lying, cheating man that he has become. MLC or not, it's disrespectful and why should anyone be treated like that?
While filing works for some and that is truly the business end of it...
Do not ring a bell that you can't unring.
No one is saying to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat however, it is possible to find a less drastic solution that works for you, until the time comes when you want to do something else.
If I had filed right away, I know I would have felt like I had quit. And quitting for me, was not an option. I spent quite a bit of time standing for my M, and when I stopped standing, I can honestly say that I did everything possible. I didn't quit. I have peace in my heart over it.
That is what you should feel if it comes to that point. IMO.
Originally Posted By: Golfgirl1
There is a great life out there for you. So, you decide what you want. Put H in a little box on a shelf somewhere and learn all about you. You'll figure out what to do.....
This I agree with.
Shift the focus from him to yourself.
You can do this without being selfish or totally giving up on the idea of a restored M.
Patience, with yourself and others, is a virtue that you will learn through this journey.
Time really is your friend. It is a hard concept to believe, especially since we spend so much time playing "beat the clock" in this world...
It is the best friend you will have through this entire thing.
You will get more responses, the boards slow a bit on the holidays and weekends. Keep posting and venting and journaling.
Welcome to the best worst place to be.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
If I had filed right away, I know I would have felt like I had quit. And quitting for me, was not an option. I spent quite a bit of time standing for my M, and when I stopped standing, I can honestly say that I did everything possible. I didn't quit. I have peace in my heart over it.
That is what you should feel if it comes to that point. IMO.
I am not giving up on my M, just realize that the past is the past and I can't change that. I am working on DB and will continue to do so. I do think that if I filed right now I would feel like a quitter, and I am not a quitter. I am remaining dark, and go days without talking to H. I only talk to him about D and otherwise do my own thing. I know that giving him his space and time is what I need to do for me. He thinks it is for him, but you know, I feel it is for me. IF he ever decides he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage, I will have had the time to decide if I want to work on it as well. It will be something we both have to agree on. Only time will tell. I have let go and have really felt at peace with that decision and I am in control of my life. I know I will still have bad/sad days, but mostly, I am looking forward to enjoying my life and my D. I have a clear mind and H is the one who doesn't. I am looking forward to finding a job and focusing on making new friends, single friends that I can enjoy some time with this year. I am not looking back, only forward. Today my D left to be with her BF and his family for the weekend and I am taking down Christmas decorations and the tree. I am going to clean house and start the New Year with a clean house and working out tomorrow.
I hope everyone has a great New Year's Eve and a prosperous, healthy and happy New Year!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Lorie, Whoa...I am SO not a quitter. In fact, my XH and I saw THE DB guru herself, Michele W-D in Boulder one day (at my insistence). She clearly pointed out to me that my road would be "treacherous" at best. I was married almost 20 years and wanted to remain married. However, I am NOT stupid. XH was in an affair with the VP of his company who just happened to oversee all financial operations. They were hiding money from me! Thank GOD I listened to people on this board who told me to protect myself financially. Once I filed, I felt protected and then really started to work on things. It was just too late, he was already gone. Could I have waited years? Maybe, but why? In fact, the lady who does my facials just re-married her first husband after 30 years of not speaking a word to each other! So, there is hope if I want there to be. Right now, I'm just enjoying me.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I didn't say you were a quitter, all of our sitches are different and I was just stating I was not a quitter. But, like you, I will not be walked all over either. We all have to do what is best for our sitshes and I believe you did what was best in yours.
God Bless and Happy New year!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Lorie You sound strong We start creating a new life for ourselves and figure it out as we go finding friends is so important having fun and starting over in so many ways my life is so much better than when I was M
In the beginning I spent a lot of time becoming friends with xh He visited my home several times a week I think we spent more time together than when we were M He had younger ow It did not work out, but it was a definite stage I had to go through I did not really give on up on my M for 2 full years plus after he left That time was mine to figure it out, to grow , to get therapy, to be quiet, to connect with my kids ect I knew I wanted my M but xh never turned back..ever I finally let go You will figure it out in time it definitely takes time I agree with GG watch the finances..this is one are we have seen over and over on the boards they become different men and therefore we and their children become less important in the crises and with the influence od OW, they can potentially go broke and in debt peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you Peace! I am a strong person and know that whatever happens with H is his choice, and I have no control. I will still grieve for the marriage and the man who use to be my husband. It may take me years before I can even trust another man in my life, including H. It may not, all I know is I am taking one day at a time, and letting go of H is what is good for me.
God Bless and Happy New Year!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Lorie, No, I never meant you called me a quitter, but I feel others implied that. All of us have different situations and we all have to do what is right for us. I feel I left my marriage after trying everything to do to save it. It was a rough 18 months, but I made it out the other side and am so much better. I just knew I didn't want to spend another day with someone who didn't want me.
Happy New Year to You!!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Lorie, I am also in the process of letting go of H as it is what is best for me. I hope we can bring each other the strength we need. My best to you in the new year. It's a new start, and we all have the chance for a better and more peaceful life :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
