I just look at him sometimes and think, "what happened to the man who loved me so much?" I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to.
Oh Lorie, How many times I've had these very same thoughts. If only I could find that switch.
I think many of us have wondered what happened to the man who used to love us and be there It is baffling and yes I too wished I could have and wondered how he could shut down so easily
Im glad you had a nice evening with H and D creating a friendship seems to be the way to go peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So many different schools of thought. I remember being thankful for any scrap of attention my H threw me, like a starving dog. Wondering if the few and far between contacts are his way of staying in touch, or cake eating to assure I was still waiting in the wings. I, too, remember crying out to God to help relieve the pain. Since that time, I have learned to be thankful for unanswered prayers.
This is all very new to you, and I know the extreme pain you are in. I want to sound encouraging, but I am a great cynic, and although I mean well, sometimes come off a bit of a downer.
Just protect yourself. From expectations, from timelines, from all the things our H's do to assure themselves they "are not the bad guy".
You didn't break him. You can't fix him. Only God and time will accomplish that. In the meantime, you concentrate on your D and yourself.
((HUGS))
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I want to continue this growth and finding a job will be a great ego boost, not that I have a poor self-esteem, because I know I am great. But, being productive in a job, being around new people and taking control of my financial well-being will be a huge jump!
Good mindset up there ^^^^^
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I have been reading alot about the MLCer and really have determined that this is what is happening to my H.
Okay so now that you know what is going on with your H…what is going on with YOU?
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It is totally out of our control and learning to react properly is essential in forcing them to work on their own issues instead of blaming.
Totally out of YOUR control..YES… what is IN YOUR CONTROL? Oh….and YOU cannot FORCE someone to work on their own issues – it is a choice they must make when and IF they choose to. Once you embrace that concept you will be better positioned to really focus on what YOU need.
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My goodness, this could take forever.
Focusing on a timeframe or how long it could take will do you NO good. Make a choice to stand or not stand and then stick with it. While standing focus on you and your needs and leave your H to God. It really is the only way to get through this and THROUGH you will need to go. No short cuts, no quick fixes, nope…nothing but HARD WORK on YOURSELF.
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I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to
“shut off feelings”…Hmmmm….I would not worry about that right now Lorie. Look you will more than likely love this man for the rest of your life. A love that may or may not change. Letting someone go is really the true form of love. Allowing your H to walk his own journey (while you walk YOURS) without guilt or frustration is truly love. Be proud of yourself and do not work to “shut off” the feelings. Your feelings will change when they are supposed to – all in God’s time.
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Just protect yourself. From expectations, from timelines, from all the things our H's do to assure themselves they "are not the bad guy".
You didn't break him. You can't fix him. Only God and time will accomplish that. In the meantime, you concentrate on your D and yourself.
Great quote up there ^^^^^ from Punkin….
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
We did go out for pizza and it was fun. I was relaxed and comfortable. I was glad he did not sit next to me as he usually does, and he sat next to D. Though she was on the edge of the booth as far from him as she could get. I think she is still struggling with her feelings about all this when she is around him. I wish she would just talk to him, but she says she just doesn't like confrontation. Which she gets from her father.
When we got back to the house, I didn't invite him to stay, but walked out with him. We chit chatted for a few minutes and he hugged me goodbye. I just look at him sometimes and think, "what happened to the man who loved me so much?" I just wish I could shut off my feelings as easy as it seems he is able to.
Lorie, your sitch and mine are very simular - we both have husbands that are still "attached" to us and you will soon (I think) find yourself in the friend zone. IMO this is not a bad thing, it makes your Ds life easier - that is for sure. But IMO being in the friend zone keeps you attached as well. This is a decision I made to do and decided I would live with the consequences.
I don't regret the choice I made to remain friends with my H. But I will tell you that I am 7 months later dealing with pain again because my expectations and hope that we would stay together is still a daily issue for me. If you choose to stop being his friend and pleasantly stay detached from those conversations and interactions with him, it might be easier for you in the long run. I don't know though, because I haven't done it until now.
Being his friend was a good choice for ME. It is what I needed to gradually break away from him. And I do mean GRADUALLY
This is NOT a choice that is recommended by most
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Thank you everyone! I am still new to this as you can tell sometimes I am doing really good and sometimes I am not. But I am focusing on several things:
No expectations from H!
Many expectations from myself: Find a job Keep busy Feel my feelings as they arrive Be the best Mom I can be to D
TAMF, I do believe that being friends is the best option for my D right now. When I am around H I don't have expectations from him but from myself. I want to be able to be comfortable and be able to be me during those times. I believe this will help me to detach. I am way too early in this process to know that H is still enjoying his freedom from responsibilities and OW then to have any expectations. I know that he is no longer the man I married and I treat him as the father of my D. He doesn't talk to me otherwise, about his life or mine. So I just leave it at that and stay true to me.
I am so thankful that I have these boards to vent and journal. You are all wonderful people and we deserve the best life has to offer.
Thank you!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Something that really bugs the crap out of me is when something breaks or goes wrong and H would normally fix. It took me all day to fix something that H would normally do in a lot less time. UGH!! But, I am proud of myself for fixing it.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I am so very thankful for this site and being able to read and post to so many. I know post daily, but this is where I feel comfortable venting and journaling.
Today I was thinking about having patience. I have never been one to have too much patience and have found a peace in this patience. In my prayers and reading, I think this is something that I am learning and is starting to gain and new appreciation for patience. It helps me to feel calm and enjoy so many things, especially with D16. We all know how patience can go out the window with teenagers!
I have looked at the past 9 weeks and see how much I have grown in this department. I realized today that I have made it 9 weeks! I can make it another 9 weeks. My relationship with God is growing deeper and I feel His presence more often through out the day.
God Bless to all of you who are here, and may He heal us and our spouses. God is awesome!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
