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[tpc1977]

Update:

My wife and I are going through the book, "The Divorce Remedy" together. I know a lot of people say you should read this alone but we are trying to do a lot more things "together." This was one of our main issues before the affair. We grew apart. I was doing my thing and she was doing hers. I was the main reason too. I'm a morning person and would go to bed early. She was a night owl and would stay up doing her things. In the end we were sleeping separately and basically just lived under the same roof.

Now, I'm trying to help us find a happy medium. We go to bed together, read, talk, and "other things." Both of us agree that it's almost like a new relationship. It's like we're dating and falling into love.

God has done something in me. My wife, kids, and relatives see someone different. I'm really trying to be someone special to her and them and myself. But there are certain areas in my life that are rejecting this and having a tough time. Mornings are rough. They are my times for devotions, training, and getting ready for the day. Now I'm dragging a bit. I need to take a nap during lunch sometimes to recoup.

Also, our children are challenged. They don't understand this alone time we have. Why we go to bed early and close the door. Why we don't let them stay up with mommy and sleep with her. Our youngest is dealing with separation anxiety from me mostly. Since my wife and I were living apart, so to speak, I found comfort hanging with my daughter and she really liked it. We'd fall asleep on the couch watching TV and she had me all to herself. She even became my care-taker. She would always make sure I had everything I needed and wanted. She loved playing the part. But I tell you now; it was wrong. I see that now. And she's suffering from it. It's almost like I divorced her. My wife and I are trying to deal with it lovingly but she isn't taking it well.

[MrBond]

Since you're both healing, DR may not be the best book for you. There are others like the 5 Love Languages or other books that are based on reconciliation. Try those.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tpc,

Make time for your daughters, maybe a night during the week, just you and one of them, and the other with your wife. Switch it out the following week.

The got used to having you alone to themselves.

[tpc1977]

Yeah. I told the girls that once a week or so we can have a night where we can make like old times. But not too often.

Sometimes they like sleeping with mommy in our bed because she lets them stay up a bit later and watch TV. Like a girls night.

Right now things are still moving forward. There's progress - though slight.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well TPC, it took a long while to get bad, it'll take a long while to get out. Slow consistent progress is a good thing.

[tpc1977]

We are trying to work things out. Still making a little progress but one thing we can't get over:

She blames a lot. I love her dearly and I'm listening to her but it just seems that it's easier to blame than to ask for forgiveness and change. It's almost like she doesn't want to work on fixing 'us' just fix 'me.'

I'm the reason we fell apart.
I'm the reason she was with another man.
I'm the reason there was no happiness.
why she felt the way she did.
why she was angry.
why she was bitter.
why this ... and that.

I really do know that I wasn't a good man. I look back and hate myself for a lot of what I did. Right now I am working on everything I can to make changes not only for my family but for myself as well.

But every time we talk about what each of us needs in our marriage, she seems to make up an excuse as to why she never did certain things. And it's almost like she doesn't want to try now.

For instance, if I was to say that I needed to feel important to her and I wanted her to express it vocally occasionally, she would give me a reason as to why she never did that. Mainly, something I did to encourage her not to. Then she would say, I know I need to more... and end it. Sort of like, "Yeah, I should but I probably won't."

If we cannot work this out - realizing that we are both at fault and need to change - then it's going to be a longer, tougher, narrower road to walk down. One where one of us is walking and trying to drag the other. I don't see that working too well.

More payer. More faith. More work on myself.

[tpc1977]

Another thing.
I need reassurance that she's in it and willing to make things better for us and our family. I need reassurance that she is in love with me. I need reassurance that I am worth it all.

I too darned needy and she's sensing it. And it's pushing her away.

I need to back off and relax and let her come to me naturally. But how? I feel like if I back off she will step away and my fears will become realities.

[tpc1977]

Dealing with issues right now.
Why didn't I walk away for a while to see what was really going to happen? I feel like I just gave her the greenlight to do what she wants and I'll be OK with it. Sometimes my mind tells me that I gave in because I've always been a wuss - too afraid to see what's on the other side, so to speak.

Would she have realized what she had once I was gone and come back to fight for it? Or would she have let me go and stayed with her new "friend?"

I guess I'll never know really. Right now, we're still working on things. And actually, things are a bit better. Yeah, it's what I was hoping for but I still feel like a pushover.

[tpc1977]

Just an update since I haven't been here in a while.
We're still working on things to remain close. We are more open to telling each other how we feel. As far as I can tell the OM is not around anymore. I check things as much as possible and she doesn't hide her phone calls or emails from me. She also leaves her phone whenever possible. She's also trying to be reassuring as much as she can as well.

We're both getting a little settled back into our lives. I've scaled back a few things that have gotten in the way of family life. She's trying to do things to make her feel better about herself - running, exercising, etc. The household doesn't seem to be on pins and needles now. More settled and comfortable.

Walking down the path together with the same goal in mind has brought us to a better place.

[Firstlove]

tpc

Here is something for you


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.


Fear less my friend - and love more