Ex is very irritated that I don't talk to him when he texts or leaves messages. I only call him back if there is something to discuss regarding the kids. I really don't feel the need to chit chat with him or listen to his spewing. I still find him quite superficial and cunning. I rather have a life of peace than a life with him in it without peace.
I do have to say that conversation with him last night left me spinning. As I think of it, there were alot of mixed messages and contradictions. "Finding God" is a lot more than going through a baptism. His actions don't reflect a genuine man of God, but I know it is a process and takes time.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
He is still struggling with "authority" and views me as an authority figure. He wants to demolish anything like that in his path. He feels he is still paying me way too much in child support,,, blah blah blah, thus the current court procedings.
His tax returns indicate some effort to hide money that will need to be brought to the attention of my lawyer. I am still following through with protecting myself financially, I have too.
He took ownership of a lot last night. He said he is a weak man and failed his family. He gave me the sales pitch on how he is becoming a different person. The thing that struck me the most about this conversation is how the tables have turned. He is now in the place I was 5 years ago. Trying to convince me he is a changed man, turning to God. Stuff the LBS tries to do in the beginning. I found no need to get defensive with him. It no longer matters to me what he thinks about me. I know the truth
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
He is a major button pusher and still tries to get my goat so to speak. He asked me if I will be able to forgive other woman. I did not even go there. It was all so odd and confusing. Like I need anymore of that in my life.
I know this though, he won't let go. He has not let go of me. I find this terribly confusing because I am trying to move on. It is hard when someone is still holding you by the leg and then pushing you off a cliff.
I did get a good sense of his pain though. He is in a tremendous amount of pain. I sympathise with this, but I told him I no longer will be the object of his blame.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I guess I need to pray for him more than ever. I will take one day at a time and continue to live my life and embrace the people who want to be with me. I just want to make sure I am following the path God wants me to go. I have come this far. I found myself obsessing about all of this. I had to stop myself from going in that dark place again. I can honestly say I don't have any expectations regarding my relationship with ex. All I really want is a happy life free of drama...... I have had enough of that for a lifetime.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, If your XH is where mine was 6 years ago, nothing has changed. They have a moment of clarity and yes, mine even apologized for the way he was in the marriage, but not what he had put me through the last few years until the divorce, found God, etc. Guess what, when he discovered that I wasn't going to bend over backwards and jump through hoops over what he said....well, let's just say he is the one that slipped back into the fog and is still acting like a horse's @ss most of the time.
Moments of clarity are just that...moments. They have those moments and that's when we hear the "apologies of the world", etc. and when the moment is over...bam, right back to being the mlc jerk. It takes a long time for them to finally stay in the clarity world.
I understand where you are and what you are feeling...just watch your back until his actions are stronger and he's proven himself to you many times over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your guidance. I was hoping you would read my sitch. I find now more than ever I need direction. I have come so far, I don't want to slide backwards or lose my focus. It almost seems the ML'ers want you to give up their life for them. I have too many responsibilities and self worth to go that route again. I go to meet with my lawyer to discuss strategies for my next court hearing regarding child support. Ex will not let up on this. My next hearing is not until the end of April. I find his timing in "finding God" odd. Any suggestions regarding how often I should have contact with him, etc...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I would let him make the contact, for a whole raft of reasons. If he is coming out of MLC fog he will actually realise what a jerk he has been and understand that you are cautious. If he hasn't reached that level of understanding then he is still pretty much in MLC land, and in that case you don't want to be seen as pursuing him.
Remember - Watch what he does, not what he says! And good luck
Trusting - that was a giant peek out of the fog for your H...but just a peek nevertheless...try not to let that rattle you....I know that still could happen to most of us when we see the old H emerge for a bit.
Your H came to look if you are still where he left you....or maybe the other R is not working so well anymore...who knows...I would just sit tight and observe...as everyone else I too believe that actions speak louder then words....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Ideally, I would love to restore my family. I am seeing someone but it is not serious. It could eventually turn into something, but at this time it is just a dating relationship. Getting over all the crap the ML'er has dealt would be another obstacle.
Ex inquired about my boyfriend. He has heard through the kids that I date. He also knows that I will not introduce anyone to the kids unless I am thinking about marriage. I have not introduced anyone to the children.
Ex asked about a business the kids told him I might start up. It is just a dream at the moment. I did not give him a lot of information. He seemed more worried about me being successful with it than anything.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
