Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Just got back from a weekend in Vegas with D. We had a great time. On Friday before I left, H called me. He apologized for the previous day and said what he did was douchebaggy. After discussion, he realized that he had made some assumptions about me and D traveling down there (he assumed we would only be scuba diving) and therefore he didn't see a point for us to go since she couldn't do so. I explained that I had said that we would find something else to do. He saw the evidence in the texts and said that he guesses we need to do a better job of communicating. True.

Anyhow, I talked with him for about an hour and felt better afterwards. I told him again that we were going to Vegas and he was surprised again because he thought I was joking previously. But all in all, it was a good conversation and we got caught up on stuff.

That evening, I let D in on the news and she seemed freaked out by the spur of the moment trip. But she seemed pleased. We arrived very very late Friday night and went to bed. In the morning, we went and found some breakfast. During breakfast, I received a text from H. He had done his first dive of his trip and unfortunately had popped an eardrum. Unfortunately, this is not the first time he's done so. That pretty much ruled out any future dives for him. Then while getting out of the boat, the captains chair fell and hit him on the head. Then he locked his keys in the car. Then he sent me a picture of a giant blister on his foot. Needless to say, I felt bad that D and I were having a great time cruising the strip while getting these reports.

The following day, D and I visited Hoover Dam. I admit, I felt guilty doing so since H has never been there. But again, I realized that for too long, I have often "waited" for H so that we could do stuff together, only to never have that stuff happen. So I decided, we were close, I was taking D to see the dam. We had a great time and the weather was divine. All in all, it was a good trip. But H didn't sound like he had too good of a time. He just did a lot of bar hopping with his friends but was battling the pain of the ruptured ear drum so it wasn't as fun as it could've been. To his credit though, he seemed supportive about all the fun things we were doing and didn't seem to take it personally that he wasn't there. Perhaps he felt that way but just didn't act that way, I don't know. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

D and I got back home last night. This morning, we both had a bad morning. I gave my old 18 year old cat a new type of medication this morning. He took it fine and went into D's room to take his 20 hour nap. She came out and told me that it appeared he had a seizure. When I went into the room, he was having agonal breathing (something they do after death). I went and got my stethoscope and confirmed my fears. He had died. Unlike previous times a pet has died, D cried. She has typically held her emotions back so in a way, it was good to see. She had band practice this morning before school but we were too broken up to hustle to make that. She said her goodbyes and I took her to school. I texted H to have him call me when he awoke. The cat was originally my H's cat. I went with him to the pound to adopt him several years before we were even married. H called while driving D to school and I gave him the sad news. He was sad but focused on the positives. He reminded me that he had a good life. We could've lost him when he got into rat poison one time. And I removed a very malignant tumor from him that SHOULD have spread but didn't, many many years ago. And he's right. He had a good life. I don't BLAME the medication, even though it probably caused this. Side effects can happen and he may have had a silent metabolic illness that I hadn't detected recently. H talked to D and they plan on putting together a montage of cat photos along with music. I like the idea. Celebrate his life.

So life is slowly getting back to normal (kind of). I will get back to work at the end of this week. H is leaving the FL Keys today and will be back this evening. He made it sound like he was coming here, especially given the fact that we need to bury our cat. I don't know what the future holds now that the conference is over and he has claimed to be moving back for good. When I think about me going to work and coming home and having H here, I admit, it seems weird now. It's strange how you can get used to something you never wanted. H still has a lot of work to do and the x-OW issue is still something I need to deal with. In fact, when H posted on FB about losing our cat, the first person to comment was x-OW. Kind of NOT the person I want to see sympathy from. As always, I'll continue to take this one day at a time.

[TAMF]

I wish wish wish I could have met you in Vegas with my oldest D - your D and mine would have had fun together. I love Vegas!

I am glad that you went to the Dam - it is quite a sight and very educational. Boating and diving in the lake is also incredible (boating I have done, diving only heard about).

Sounds like H got a little KARMA on his trip in the Keys...

I am so sorry about your cat the loss of a beloved pet is devestating. Especially one you have had for 18 years!!!!! Again, I am sorry.

[AntoniaB]

I have to say that the paragraph about the litany of problems your H was having while you were having a good time made me laugh. I noted too that you said you did things now that you wanted to do and waited for H to do in the past: good for you! I have been putting a lot of focus lately on "what things did I want in past years that H had no interest in" and it has given me things to look forward to and work more hours to be able to afford. I think that's all to the good for any of us.

[Albuquerque]

It would have been totally rockin' to have you there too. Perhaps some other time.

I don't consider H's issues karma. I don't like to look at things that way. He's still in MLC, had an awful 2 weeks, and didn't even get to enjoy diving like he'd hoped. I find it terribly disappointing. I was upset with the way the situation ended up (not getting invited), but I genuinely wanted him to have a good time and I genuinely was upset to hear about his issues.

Thanks for your thoughts about my cat. This day kind of stinks

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

H drove back from his trip with the guys last night. He texted me periodically throughout the day. He arrived at a nearby town about 1 1/2 away where he had to drop his friends off since they were flying out from there. Because of bad weather, he opted to have dinner with them. At about 930pm, he texted me to tell me that he'd just stay there the night due to the weather. The weather WAS bad at times. Really bad. But it still annoyed me since it wasn't that bad anymore and seemed like an excuse. Then about 30 minutes later, he called me and told me that he'd changed his plans. His friends were starting up another night of drinking and he just didn't want to do that again. He said "since I'll be getting home really late I'll just crash at my place". I said OK. But it pissed me off. Not because he needs his time away. Not because he changed his plans of originally coming here like originally stated. But because he was not honest about why he was doing so. He gives me the ridiculous excuse of doing it because it'll be late. Once again though, I was thankful that I hadn't told D he would be coming to the house. So she wasn't disappointed in any way.

This morning, he asked me to lunch. I decided to say yes. I had a pole dance class and then did some errands and laundry. He showed up unannounced to the house around 1130. I wasn't remotely ready. The meeting was very subdued and he just gave me a hug. His "wall" is still up. I told him "you're quite early". He responded by saying that he knew that if he didn't show up early enough, I'd just eat without him. I found that kind of funny since it's true. I've stopped waiting around for him because he tends to be late/cancels. So I set a cut-off time (for myself) and if he doesn't show up, I DO just go ahead and eat. I don't even call or text him to find out what happened. Part of my new independence. So I found it funny that that hasn't gone unnoticed.

Anyhow, as I zoomed around getting ready it struck me as odd that I found his presence to be intrusive. I should be glad he was here and yet I wasn't. But I think some of that is because he's NOT really here. He's got that damn wall up and I'm just getting bits and pieces of him.

Lunch was OK but conversation didn't flow that well. I wasn't feeling to up to talking. Especially since as I was getting my shoes on, he asked me if I had ever gotten my order of my new boots. That question stung. I paused and I think chuckled softly in an annoyed way and just said "yeah". He asked "and?". I responded, "I wore them at the conference". He seemed surprised but tried to say he didn't know because I have so many sexy boots (not true). So clearly, he wasn't paying any attention to me.


During lunch, we briefly discussed his brother and that he might be moving because of a woman he met recently. I remarked that it seemed odd that he would move to follow her having only known her a short time. I also remarked that she must not have felt as strongly or else wouldn't have moved. At that point, H likened it to me moving several states away for an internship. I responded sharply that it was not the same at all since that decision was made as a family (he said yes at the time although I found out much later he really didn't want to move). He said he knew and he was joking. I didn't find it funny. Clearly, there is still a lot to be addressed.

After lunch he went back to his place to work. He stated plans to come back over to see D and get the run down on our Vegas vacation. We will also be going out to dinner. I have no idea what his plans are after that. At this point, I have no expectations. I would be truly shocked if he chose to spend the night.

Eric once said that from his observation, he felt that piecing was much harder than dealing with the bomb and post-bomb issues. I think he's absolutely right. I need to focus on me, but at the same time, I have a H who states he wants to be part of my life again. So in order to live my life with H, I have to take him into consideration. But he's totally unreliable right now. So it's very very difficult. One day at at time.....