I'm not sure if this is DB or DR, but I would have asked H to leave. I would "force" his wish to be with OW or have exchanges with her. "if you need to be with her or in contact with her, you need to go to her...NOW!"
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I really enjoyed my evening at the basketball game. Everyone kept telling me how good I looked, so that was fantastic. H showed up right before half-time just in time to see D dance and take pics. I looked over to where he was sitting and kind of felt sorry for him. He looks pretty sad, and my D commented later it looked like he has gained ALOT of weight. I think so too. Anywho, after the dance I went and sat down with some friends to watch the game and wait on D. H actually came over and sat next to me. We just chit-chatted, and I did not flirt with him. I was just nice and smiled alot. Then D came and wanted to go home because she was hungry. I thought she would want to stay and hang with her dad, but she said no, right there in front of him! I said okay and just looked at H and smiled and left.
I posted on someone else's thread that I woke up this morning from a dream about being in the meeting where H brought OW. I was so overwhelmed I got up from the meeting and went outside. OW followed me and kept apologizing about everything, I just kept walking down the sidewalk and all of a sudden someone shot her three times and she was dead. Then I woke up. Crazy!!!
I hope everyone is having a great & Blessed Sunday!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I have to tell you all that today has been such an up and down day, and not because of H. It is due to financial difficulties. My D texted me from school saying she didn't have any money for lunch because she forgot to tell me she needed more money and she knew that we were currently trying to get money together for the house payment. She asked me to bring her some food after school as she had to stay for play rehearsal. I felt so bad! I told her she has to tell me when she needs money for lunch and I will find it, no matter what. She said she just feels bad because we don't have any money right now. I told her that my responsibility and for her not to worry about it. Thankfully I was able to call a friend to borrow money for D's lunches until H gets paid again. Plus, my dear friend brought over groceries, toilet paper and Kleenex. God has blessed me with such good friends. But I did cry alot knowing that my D is so worried about the money issue right now. But I am over it. I am looking for jobs everyday and she and I discussed other ways to cut costs, like turning off the cable and our land line phone. Gosh, they grow up so fast when these things happen.
Okay, now on to H. So, remember be wanting to invite H to spend his D weekend at our home because things haven't worked out being at his parents? Well, tonight D texts him to ask what they are doing this weekend, and H says, ask mom if we can stay at the house because grandparents are getting new carpets and there is no room for her to come stay. So I told her to tell him I have to think about it and he should call me tomorrow. Now I am having a bit of anxiety about this, because I had put this out of my head and here it is in my lap. I have to believe that God is trying to do some work here. So, I am going to say it is okay, but the weekend is his responsibility to get her to and from where she needs and that I will come and go as I please. I have got to find something to do one of the nights. With no money it is hard! But, I do have a starbucks card I got for christmas, so I may just go there one night. Who knows. What do you guys think? Oh yeah, I have to have no expectations about anything from him as he is still very involved with OW.
Good night all, and God Bless!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Just my opinion, but I don't see anything wrong with his request. There is a reason and you didn't initiate. You're already aware that rules need to be set. Sounds like you've got it covered. Don't really see why you HAVE to find something to do one night. If finances are an issue, don't force it. Find a good book from the library or curl up and watch a movie or find a task you've been putting off at home. If you weren't planning on doing something originally, don't change your plans because you're doing him a favor or feel like you need to show you're GAL. Be true to yourself.
Hugs ((Lorie)) It is toughest to see our kids suffering along with us.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Thanks Alb,I do have a do have things around the house that I can be doing. I am finally feeling better about getting back to some of my hobbies and am starting those this week, so I can keep on doing those things. One of them is scrapbooking and I was so worried about getting back to that would be depressing, but I actually feel that it will be good therapy. I have my scrapbooking place down in the basement, so I know I can go down there to do some work when I feel I need to get away. I also crochet and have a project to finish and I need to do that.
It is supposed to snow here again on Friday, so I probably won't be able to get out anyway. I have to drive 30 mins to the nearest city to shop or whatever and I don't like to drive in that mess.
Thanks for the hugs, sending them right back at you.
Blessings to all!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Just need to get some thoughts out of my head today. Yesterday was three months since H left. I have not initiated any contact with him for about 2 months unless it involves our D16. I am taking care of me and have found some peace during this time as my relationship with God has grown immensely. I have been able to detach so that when I am around H I am being me, and I am happy and positive.
I just have these fears that nag in the back of my head. I fear that not initiating any contact with H he may think that I don't care and therefore why leave OW who will at least be there for him. I fear I will never be able to love someone else. I fear that D16 and I will financially be devastated by a D. I fear I will never meet the needs H found from OW. I fear the affair will never end.
I also have some positives that keep me going everyday. My faith and belief that God is walking this journey with me and only HE can help my H find his way back to God and home where H's heart truly belongs. I have friends who check on me and help in so many ways. I have family who love me no matter what. I have a D16 who is incredible and loves me no matter what. My health is really good at this time, which I am thankful to God. I had Knee Surgery and gallbladder surgery within two months before H left. I have this board to help me navigate through this time in my life and helps me to see that I am much more than my H or my marriage. I am a child of God who has given me so many gifts to use to help others.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
A couple of things...your hobbies, first. I am still having trouble with my hobbies and I'm 7 1/2 months along! I do cross stitch and it was a HUGE part of my life for 20 years or more. I was very productive. I've really lost my mojo with that, though. I think it is because it isn't something that occupies my mind--just my fingers--and so I watch movies all the time instead of stitching. If you can get back into scrapbooking, good for you! I don't know what my problem is but I have hundreds of projects half done and not even started that just sit here.
Your first paragraph sounds really good. Your second paragraph is on fear. On the first point, if he were going to choose to stay with OW mainly on the grounds that she was "there" and he assumed you were "not" because of your lack of contact, then he's not worth being with right now, if that makes sense. That's a terribly shallow reason that doesn't show any understanding of what you've "been there for" for all your marriage and even now post-bomb. If you start to have contact to try to show you "care", it will likely end up being detrimental to your progress. I get what you're saying--many times I did a letter or something to my stbxh saying "look I love you but I can't stay in contact because it's painful to me, but if you end that affair, I'm willing to work with you." Then time would pass and I'd think "oh no, I better remind him of this again." All that was just rationalizations I made to have contact because even bad contact was contact.
I also fear I won't be able to love someone else. But what I can tell you is that the longer I am post-bomb, the more I am seeing the dysfunction in my H. I really put him on a pedestal. NO MAN ON EARTH was better than him. But you know what? That's not true. There are plenty of men who don't run from their problems or cheat on their wives. The more that I gain strength, the more he falls from the god-like position I gave him. And the more that happens, the more that I think yes, I'll always love him SO much, but I can see that it is possible now that I might love someone else.
I mean, I have no trouble finding a space in my heart to love friends and family that I wasn't close to before. So it stands to reason that I can find that space to love another man some day if that's what's in store for me.
Financially, I was terrified. Things have worked out ok. It's a struggle. But a lot of friends told me that we fear this part a lot because it's yet another thing we can't control, but it's more in our control than we think--sometimes. Try not to let that bother you. Just start trimming expenses where you can.
I fear my H's affair will never end too, but if that's the case, then he is deciding that he'd rather have a broken relationship built on lies than a whole relationship built on love and work, and if that's the case, he's no good to me. I'd say the same is true for you.
I think that your faith is going to help you tremendously here in facing these fears. It may be that you and he will be brought back together whole, but it may be that your pathway is opening to a better life than you would have had with him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I just have these fears that nag in the back of my head. I fear that not initiating any contact with H he may think that I don't care and therefore why leave OW who will at least be there for him. I fear I will never be able to love someone else. I fear that D16 and I will financially be devastated by a D. I fear I will never meet the needs H found from OW. I fear the affair will never end.
Read my sitch and you will KNOW that keeping in constant contact with H and being "friends" and sometimes "lover" is NOT WORKING FOR ME! It has been since July 3rd, and I am still getting 2x4s from my friends that my H needs to know what he will be losing. He has the best of both worlds, a 27 year old bartender girlfriend and a wife at home pining away for him. why should he change? IMO, keep doing what you are doing. It is the heathly thing for YOU.
I was TERRIFIED that I would never love again or even be able to have sex again! I had been with my H since I was 17 years old. HOW COULD I BE WIH SOMEONE ELSE?! that fear of my H being the ONLY man I could be with was another "thing" that was tying me to him. keeping me afraid of being alone. Just trust me when I tell you that this fear is not realistic - you are totally capable of being with someone else and being happy and love again.
IMO - Anyone of us on these boards that are capable of the great love of standing when we are treated like dog poop, is the kind of love that will never go away and will find another who is worthy of that kind of love.
The affair may never end. It might end, but he still doesn't come back. These are harsh realities that we must all face head on and be okay with the outcome. That is why everyone tells me that detachment is soooo important. In the time that you are taking care of YOU, if he doesn't come back you have prepared yourself. You have already moved forward.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Your so right....its so hard tho......I too have been w/only my husband since I was 21 yoa. That fear and my age now make me freeze! I feel so beaten down that its hard to get back up. Somedays I try others not so much....Sometimes, I tell myself your H is not sitting around crying over you like this. He is out there and wants to move on without you....
Even when people tell me all the time that I look 30, I feel old and think who will want me...I don't have kids and that is so scary...I get down when I think...I may not have them now....I waited to long....
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
Thank you so much for your support. I do appreciate all the kind words and wisdom. TAMF I have been reading your sitch and definitely see where you are coming from. I do not want to make any mistakes that hurt ME. I don't think at this point there is anything I can do to get my H to reconcile. That is his journey at this point. I really get that, but sometimes I do grieve what use to be our M and know that I don't want to go back there. I know we can't change the past, only the future and whether H is in mine or not is up to him and if there is room for him on my journey.
God Bless!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
