I hear what you are saying. I feel it also, at some point we have to talk R. Hell if we agree with them why would they change their mind. Then I think everytime I bring it up it goes south. There for awhile we would talk R all the time, that is before she filed and she was hurt and angry and was letting her feelings out now she seems content and happy. The point is if they don't want to talk R then you are setting yourself up for failure.
I'm wondering if there an indirect way to enagage her in R talk, without appear to be directly engaging in it? Talk about something that may lead into R discussion? IDK. I'm trying to help.
Like I was saying in my sitch. If my W mentions anything remotely related to the R or M, I'm off like a thoroughbred!
It's clear when she does talk she doesn't want to hear my perspective, she doesn't want me to try to reason with her. She literally wants me to sit there and listen and accept her [censored]. I'm ok with it to a point, because I'm glad we are talking.
I think I'm going to continue the little touching things, do them casually like as if they are normal again. Make her squirm a bit, and possible think more about it. She's obviously conflicted by it - but I want it to bring out a positive in her.
I'm really interest to see what happens on Thursday night after her C appointment. I can almost garentee she comes home and wants to talk, because she told me before that's what the C said, "Be honest and direct with your husband".
She'll reiterate all of the things she already said, "I don't want to be with you anymore, this isn't what I want, I don't love you and I cannot change that - and I don't want to try".
Then I'm left with...What exactly does she expect me to do with this verbal diarrhea? I understand that's how she feels in the moment, and she wants to be done with as soon as possible because she doesn't want anything but her fantasy.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I would like to try that, but she has never given me an opening. I know it sounds unbelievable, but not one word has been said about R or M.
This is what is so hard, I read everyone's posts and it is all, she said this, I said that, and I am sitting here feeling like I am missing the boat. Or is it that I am the only one doing it by the book?
No communication got us to this point, How does no communication get us out?
Anything on my old threads that I mentioned what my W has said, was all said on D-day. Nothing else, ever! I suppose what I heard on D-day is supposed to be enough for me to work with.
I wish she would just get her f**cking head out of the sand. Sure I had problems, I am dealing with them. When the hell do they have to realize there problems and deal with them instead of running away to happy land.
SIC, it is like you said, They have no idea there is something wrong with them. It is all our fault. Selfish BS. But, we will accept the responsibility and take it all on because we love them so much so we can be the better person and be able to say we gave it all we had. blah, blah, blah.
For better, or for worse. They are just fine during the better, but when the worse shows up, watch em' scatter.
The bible even warns us, it is better not to marry if you can, because it is just going to cause trouble in our lives. It freaking warns us about this. That alone makes a believer out of me.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
She'll reiterate all of the things she already said, "I don't want to be with you anymore, this isn't what I want, I don't love you and I cannot change that - and I don't want to try".
Agree with her. "I can't believe I have been trying to hold onto this. I hear you, I think it is best for me to be in a marriage with a woman who loves me. I understand how you can feel that way and I wont stand in your way of leaving."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
maybe one way to engage in R talk without actually talking about it is discussing some future event. Is there something in your family's life that is coming up? A trip? A ball game? A play? Something that has you talking about something that is happening in the future?
That's something that broke the ice for me. We talked about an event that was to happen in a few months and that started a little of the talk.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
hey habit, I feel your pain. It is tough to stay positive but one thing you should do is work for yourself - I KNOW you've heard that a ton but it is true.
but we all know how hard that is. The W IS a part of you. I totally understand that - I'm in the same boat. I want to work on myself but the W is such a large part of that as well...it's tough.
Let me ask you. Why do you think she is still living in the same house? Is she biding her time?
Also, maybe as far as expectations, you should act like you are divorced - only as far as expectations. Then, if she does things, says things - you will be more aware of them. Heck man, there may be little things you aren't aware of.
trying to inspire a little hope as well
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
She'll reiterate all of the things she already said, "I don't want to be with you anymore, this isn't what I want, I don't love you and I cannot change that - and I don't want to try".
Agree with her. "I can't believe I have been trying to hold onto this. I hear you, I think it is best for me to be in a marriage with a woman who loves me. I understand how you can feel that way and I wont stand in your way of leaving."
What will this accomplish? Will this not lead her to believe I WANT a divorce? I just don't see how that helps. I know I'm supposed to relieve the pressure, but I don't want her to feel confident that she's "doing the right thing".
I'm going to do my best the next time she brings up the R, to just validate. No matter what she says, not try to add anything or clarify anything. We'll see what that buys me.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I was just taking a look at success stories. The newest one is from september. It looks like all of them were placed there by moderators. Am I looking in the wrong places?
I am not trying to cut down DBing, It is the choice I have made and I really don't know what else to do.
This is my family and my live's I am dealing with. I just want to know the facts.
I know when this question about success rates has came up before, it has been mentioned that when most people have success they don't come back, so we don't hear about that.
I can't believe that. I would, and I think most everyone on here that I talk to would to. So where are they?
I am sorry, I really am, but I am starting to feel brainwashed.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
