Deja vu seems a lot different this time around...

[mj144]

Here are my first 2 threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2109797#Post2109797

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115435#Post2115435

Well 2nd interview with this job I really want went well. I am down to 1 of 3 candidates and next week I will have a Teleconference back to a corporate VP and with one of the engineers as the last step. I will find out next week some time if I get this job. I feel confident that I WILL get it.

I am back at my house this weekend with my kids and the W is out partying with her sister having a girls night. The longer this goes on, I can't help but think that with all of the A I read about on this forum that at some point, will my W start thinking about OM? It is really hard to tell if she considers herself 'single' therefore not considering it an actual A. She is out dancing and one of the first things that got my engines going about her when we first met was that this woman sure can shake her booty. I guess not thinking about this kind of stuff would be more about detaching, huh?

After strong consideration about the threat to my life that my FIL imposed upon me last night and talking to several police officers, I decided that there would be no real benefit by me filing a report, or a restraining order against him. I didn't mention it to my W today and I suppose will not be brought up again. The thing that I wonder about though is at some point, I will be in the same company as him and I won't exactly know how to react when that happens. I sure disliked his comment that if my W asked him for advice about us, he wouldn't tell her to walk away, he'd tell her to run away from me. I suppose the only way I can address the whole sitch as it played out last night is to ignore it ever happened and pray that it didn't exacerbate my sitch w/ my W in her mind.(if it even mattered in the first place) However, I can't help but think that the fact that my FIL escalated things w/ me in such an inflammatory way that my W wouldn't think how that would not effect our R in a negative way in the future.

All I can do at this point is keep the chin up and land that job and start back on the DB track again. I don't feel like I have really been doing too much lately with all of the other distractions going on. At least I know I haven't blow up at all and my R with my Ds is continuing to solidify more and more the more at peace I am with them, although I do find myself still being a bit harsh on them from time to time. However, the difference is night and day from the way it was just a few months ago.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Mj,
Keep us posted on the job sitch. I am pulling for you. A new job would definitely give you a whole new outlook on things. As men, we feel the need to provide and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope you can find something that makes you happy and will provide the funds you need to move forward.

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[mj144]

Well, I feel like I am in a DB purgatory. For the last 3 1/2 weeks, the W went back to being cold, methodical and distant after seeming to turn around a bit after I made the decision to move out. It took pressure off of her and then the 2x4 of me losing my job.

I was at the house over the weekend per our arrangements to be with my kids, but she stayed over on Saturday since there was a poker game across the street that had been planned for some time. As I was getting ready to leave she asks me when I was going to be home on Sunday. I can't remember if I had told her so, but she was under the impression that I was going to come back to my new place after the poker game. She of couse got pissed off that I was planning on staying at the house and tried to draw me in, but I wouldn't let her just played it off as a misunderstanding. She even thought about leaving when I got home, but she decided to stay.

I got home late from the card game and after drinking a bit I decided to snoop and read some emails on her phone. I read one particular conversation between her and her sister where she complains that I took some things from the house 2 weekends ago, nothing big, just some food items and my, MY weights and workout DVDs. She proceded to call me a loser and she and her sister made some cracks about giving me allowance or something to that efFect because I am not working. What I really wanted to see was any mention of the sitch between my FIL when he called to threaten my life, but there wasn't anything too juicy there. I know I shouldn't be snooping and it serves me right for doing so, but the insults, why? I guess it makes her feel better to belittle me to her sister.

I don't know if it is a good sign or not, but before she took off for snowboarding yesterday, she asked me about my interviews and prospects for jobs. I get a feeling in my gut that she doesn't really care for my sake, but is trying to see how much sooner she will be able to start the mediation process after I get a job. I know mind reading, but since we don't have any real conversations and I can't get any true emotional feeling from her except for contempt, it's what I do.

I don't know what to think in the aftermatch of my FIL's threats to me and how that whole disaster may have added nails into my coffin. It just seems like I have just way to many negatives to overcome that now with the added tension between her family and me, it just adds to her decision to WA from the M. How can it not effect her that her father has such disdain and contempt for me that he threatens to kill me? I don't really understand why he feels so strongly against me. I want to find out so bad what his major malfunction is. It doesn't make any sense. I guess he is just a pr*ck.

It just feels like I am not doing anything right now that will have any kind of positive effect. I know not doing anything is a DB technique, but it feels like I should be doing something proactive.

[Denver_2010]

I know not doing anything is a DB technique, but it feels like I should be doing something proactive.

We all do MJ. Do nothing for the time being. Be as dark as possible. Let her anger towards you subside. It will.

[ScaredinCanada]

I've read along with your threads in the past, but I don't seem to recall the tension with your FIL.

Is that new, or has there always been an issue? Also, what specifically happen now for him to threaten you?

My FIL threaten me (jabbed his finger in my chest and told me to get out of the house), but since my W has never had a good R with her F it was a really positive thing at the time because I stood upto him. I told him I wasn't going anywhere until my W got what she needed/wanted from the house.

Regardless obviously you don't want to attempt to stand up to him as I cannot imagine that would help, but is there anyway you can difuse the sitch a bit?

[mj144]

This is what it is reference to SIC:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...095#Post2122095

[mj144]

Moderator, what is up w/ Denver's posts? He posted to my thread last night at 10:59 and it finally shows up this afternoon and bumps my thread all the way back to page 3.

[2stepboogie]

hey mj,

I just lauged my A$$ off because you were complaining about how your thread got pushed all the way to page 3. I laugh because I remember when I first saw my thread on page 3 and then pg 4 I almost had a panick attack luckily you guys brought it back to life. We are here for you man!!!

I feel the same way as you when I have the small talks with my W even though they happen rarely I feel like just saying "Da$# it W enough is enough. You've made you point I've suffered I've learned my lesson. You win! I lose! Now let's fix this and move on so we can both be happy again."

Patience is the key here and that along with detaching is the two hardest things I've had to do. The other day I read some of the success stories and it gave the battery some life. Have faith and together we can all get through this and god willing maybe one day come together and talk about how close we came to the cliff and made it back alive!!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Mj,
The crack at you by calling you a "loser" to her sister is a defense mechanism. She is probably struggling right now, so she makes herself feel better by taking a crack at you. Let it go. Calling you a loser is no different than when a WAS says, "I am not sure if I ever loved you..." or some other crap like that. It is their way of saving themselves from the ugly person they have become. You want to know the real kicker??? If she was in public right now without you present and someone else called you a "loser," she would probably kick their *ss. Don't let it bother you and STOP looking in her phone. I did this and all I found was more heart-ache and pain. Not to mention, if she catches you, you are going to be in a world of hurt.

I agree with Denver. Politely go dark for a bit. What other option do you have right now? She is going after you "with both barrels" right now. Get out of the line of fire. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give her some time to stop looking to fight with you. It made a difference in my sitch. Yes, I am very far from a reconciliation. But going dark seemed to open up a channel with my W because it gave her time to get over why she left to begin with.

Give it a try. It is better than continually taking shot after shot to your brain from her.

Hang in there!

B.I.T.S.

FOBD

[mj144]

I don't think she would do anything but agree. She'd probably offer to buy them a drink and continue to bash me. Even when things were good between us, there was always a sarcastic overtone about how she talked about me. I am very sarcastic as well, so her defending me is definitely not her thing.

I don't have an opportunity to go dark in any true sense of the tactic. I see her every day 2x. In the morning when I pick up the kids and in the evening when she comes home from work. However, I will not be picking the kids up from school tomorrow and I won't be around during the weekend, so after Friday morning when I take the kids to school, I will be able to go dark until Monday morning. I can unfortunately go dark for short periods of time.

She did email me 2x today, though. I haven't responded. One email was about her getting a donation for our kids' school auction and the other was her forwarding me a job opportunity that a friend of hers sent to her to forward to me.

I can't help the feeling that once I get a job, that it's all done. I rack my brain over and over again trying to come up with some scenario and some strategy on how to bring this back around, but I just don't see how.

Maybe I am still panicked because all I do is go to my house which I don't live in any longer, hang out with my dog and try to find a job all day long and think about how distant and cold W is. I think to myself that maybe moving out was the wrong thing to do and maybe I might have a better chance if I move back. However, I continue that thought with how confusing it might make things for the kids if I move back and then we get a D anyway. I also think about the fact that she was hell bent on meeting w/ a mediator to start figuring out the whole D process. How could I possibly approach her about moving back in and still holding off on any progression towards D? Then with the whole sitch about her sister being in her ear agreeing with her and bashing me and the whole sitch w/ my FIL, what is there really for me to hold onto at this point?