Ok, something I learned early on in this process? You need to cease talking about this situation with people who are deterring you from your goal. I will tell you that some disagree with me on this, but I truly believe this with all my heart. It's like if someone is trying to lose weight, they are not going to hang out with people who are constantly pushing chocolate cake on them.
You have absolutely taken the high road for which you need to be extremely proud. I don't think that would have been my initial reaction, but your reaction was exactly right. You are very strong.
I often tell people that hope is from within. You cannot look outside of yourself for hope because only you are in the situation. However, as you have rightly pointed out, there is a lot of hope if she is seeking therapy and has left the door open to you. Get involved with some other people here and you will see that they have not been afforded the same luxury.
What are the chances of you hooking up with a DB coach? I'm sure that they have heard this story before. I'm sure that they have heard everything. You can call the office and ask specifically for a coach that has gone through this.
Ultimately, you want your W. So if you don't fight, you will be hurt worse. But you have to fight smart. I have failed at doing this so many times. Please learn everything you can so you don't make my mistakes.
Get involved with some of the other posts here. People are incredibly caring and smart on this board. And sometimes when you are busy worrying about and trying to help someone else, it makes your situation easier. I have come to care very deeply about my friends here. Strangely, I sign on most days and check their threads before I even check my own! I keep a prayer journal and I have them in there. The other thing you will notice as you journey with the people here is that each has a specific strength that you really want to learn more about. In fact, I have found no one here that does not possess a specific strength that I want to learn more about. Let's look at you, for instance. You have incredible compassion, poise under pressure, and you're not reactive. That last point is big for me. I am very reactive. So, my long-winded point is, stay here, learn something and try to teach something along the way.
You are going to be ok, Sparks! You really are. I pray for you.
Your family and friends are going to want you not to hurt. Their advice is going to be geared to the "Pull the bandage off quickly" pull the trigger and move on approach. Hurts alot but over quick.
You're not naive.
Tell them you need their support in your decision to be married, and if they cannot help you in that, then you'll need to figure out who will when you need support.
Thanks, Jack. I have my parents and three siblings. Each approaches it differently, but I ask them to only support me. A few members of my family are only trying to protect me and my son, but by doing so are also very critical of W and would rather me file for D now and worry later. This is NOT what I want and have told them. The others are more compassionate and check just to see how I am doing on a certain day. These have been the discussions that I have been valuing. Right now, it is all so new to my family. I am trying to be very careful on what advice I use and what I pass.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
You have absolutely taken the high road for which you need to be extremely proud. I don't think that would have been my initial reaction, but your reaction was exactly right. You are very strong.
I often tell people that hope is from within. You cannot look outside of yourself for hope because only you are in the situation. However, as you have rightly pointed out, there is a lot of hope if she is seeking therapy and has left the door open to you.
Ultimately, you want your W. So if you don't fight, you will be hurt worse. But you have to fight smart. I have failed at doing this so many times. Please learn everything you can so you don't make my mistakes.
You are going to be ok, Sparks! You really are. I pray for you.
Thank you so much! I am glad my newbie posting skills have been fixed, because this is just the sort of advice/encouragement I have been looking for. Thank you for your prayers!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
For the first time in a very long time, my W just called out of the blue while I am at work. Her only purpose for calling was to tell me that my favorite "taco of the month" at our local taco shack is being served this month. We both laughed, and I thanked her for letting me know. As meaningless as this may seem, it was one of those little things were just the thought counted.
The responses I have received today combined with this unexpected call have put me in a much better place.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
The fear of judgement from others can also impede reconcilliation.
Your family and friends don't have to know ever sorid detail.
Just something to think about.
Good advice. I made the mistake of showing my father some of the incriminating evidence I had found, and it he won't let that go. My first big mistake, but one I will not repeat again.
I will try and not go through the sordid details. I will work on being vague about the details but more about my feelings and how I am coping.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
The responses I have received today combined with this unexpected call have put me in a much better place.
Good for you Sparks.....
Please be careful with that balance...
Up too high...
Down too low....
Find an even keel to ride through right now..
I don't wanna see you on that roller coaster...ya know ?
Yeah. Not looking for a roller coaster. That is the exact advice my GP doc told me this morning. He said I have no impact on what my wife will eventually decide. I cannot force her to do anything. I can, however, continue to treat her right and take care of myself.
I just need to get myself in a place where I am consistent with this improvement. The six weeks (post bomb and pre affair discovery), I really looked to improving myself to be a better person. I am not a reader, but I read several books to improve (including Divorce Remedy). I began going to church every week. Started going for long walks with dog everyday. After the discovery of the affair, I have been in such shock and pain, that I quit doing those things. Sometimes, I thought they were just a waste now. I was hugely mistaken. I have to keep these improvements up and become even more consistent with them.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Today's update. Last night was a night wife and I agreed that I would take care of our 5 month old over night. This is only the second time ever, so it has still been an adjustment. She refuses to stop breastfeeding for now (am sure this will have to change at some point). Picked my son up at 5:30 from her and brought him home. Had a great time playing for a couple of hours. Got going through his bedtime routine of feeding solids, bath, reading book, giving bottle, and then to bed.
Tonight also happen to be the first night that my wife has had really any alone time, since the affair was opened. Her brother and brother's girlfriend were going out to a concert. Wife would be alone at brother's apartment. She said that she was welcoming the me time, would put her pj's on, and maybe watch a movie. Due to the recent affair and lack of trust, my mind immediately started thinking about contacted with OW. She had told me no contact was recommended by her therapist, my original note stated the significance, and she has confirmed there still has been no contact. These have all been her words, so trust is a factor.
She was planning on coming over to give me more breast milk that she had been pumping throughout the night. The first time was really early. She only had just an ounce, the weather was crap outside, so I told her that it was just fine. I had enough to lat into the night, but she said she was already on her way. It really stoked suspicion.
When my wife got to the house. I told her that I didn't want her to be defensive, but I needed her to reassure me that there would be and has been no contact with OW. She did get a little defensive. She said that was welcoming her first alone time. I told her that I am not asking much here and have been very understanding, I just needed reassurance, especially since this was her first night alone for several hours.
I told her this affair is still heavy on my heart. I told her that everything has been going great as far as our rebuilding, communication, and going to therapy together. I then told her that she knows this would change if the affair was going to continue. There would be no room for our marriage and her affair to coexist. She then told me that I knew she was unhappy with our marriage. I stood my ground and told her that we were still married, and the affair would not be tolerated. After her looking me in the eyes and reassuring me that there has been no contact, she left.
She came back over a few hours later with more milk. Our spirits were better and communicating again. It was just the whole process got me down. Right now, I know she is confused involving her sexual orientation or if she is in love with OW. The remorse of the affair is sometimes there, but it seems other times she is upset that the affair did not end on her terms. I guess time will tell. I will have the next phone bill to tell me whether contact has been made. Just [censored] that I have to worry about it.
This path to recovery only has room for two of us. Her path to self discovery cannot be influenced by the OW. Our marriage cannot be compromised by the OW. In the end, after an honest and patient assessment of our feelings, I will then be able to accept either solution. I just fear the OW will get in the way of that.
I reread Marriage Remedy's chapter on infidelity to remind myself of the emotions going through right now. At some point, I want my wife to read that chapter as well as it talk about information for the spouse that betrayed. I think it would be good info for her if she agrees to read it and reflect on it.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
