You are making alot of sense to me right now. Right before my H moved back home for the final time is when I got really angry with him and went dark, dark,dark. He would call and I wouldn't answer and leave me messages just to hear my voice on the machine. He told me that he was afraid of loosing me.
I got a little upset with him tonght though. My son and grandkids were here all afternoon and he was washing and cleaning the cars. I pretty much went on with my daily stuff and playing with the grandkids and leaving him with the vehicles. He was talking to our son. What got to me was he was acting just like nothing at all was going on with us. That everything was normal.
My son and H went out tonight for a couple of beers. Before my H went to pickup my son, I opened my big mouth. The tension got to me and I told him that I won't live my life like this and I deserve happiness and someone to love me. He told me "didn't we just have this conversation a week ago?" So I don't know if he is going to get a D or work on us.
So he left it at that and before he left he said he would see me tonight.
I had to let it out or I was going to explode. I am tired of biting my tongue and probably made a big mistake.
HB, Sorry that I didnt mention my sons age, He is 20, was 18 at the time of the divorce, I had to ask him to go stay with his dad because I could not get him to do anything and he was becoming disrespectful. The day after he left to go to his dads he came back to get some of his stuff and hugged me and told me it was prb for the best that he needed this. We talked by phone and I saw him a few times after that, (they only live around 3 miles from me), then he changed his number and slowly stopped talking to me and grew angry. The stepmom and I had words and my son called me a liar when I tried to explain.....untelling what they are putting in his head. Anyway my ex didnt marry the ow he left me for, she was already married, but he met his now wife soon after. I dont think he takes anything out on her though, he follows her around like a puppy and treats her like Gold. As far as trying to forget his past life with me, I agree. He told me once he wanted to forget I exsisted. He is trying to build himself a new life and family. He refusses to speak to me about our son. HB, I dont know if my ex realizes he made a serious mistake or not? He dont act like he did I rarely see them, so i dont really know. Sorry to hijack YRs thread but no one would comment on mine. My heart goes out to you YR.......you are one tough chick!
YR - I too had an intuition, and hesitated to raise it until you did This is not a criticism, but I realised that there was consierable pressure on your h to return home when he did. Understandably you had had enough and sensed, rightly that he was in a place where he was prepared to respond to the pressure and come back. I can remember how anrgy you were at times. Also, as I recall, it was impacting badly on your daughter.
I now realise that they have to fully complete their journey without pressure to return, otherwise as either [I think] Snodderley or HB wrote, if they return before they are ready they will 'run' again. Doesn't mean that they will actually go, but re-enter breifly some of the late stages of MLC in order to finally close the doors. I think this is dealing with unfinished business in his own way, and you are going to have to let this happen and not fight it.
I know you must be bursting to say things, but remember the MLC rules - no r talk. You will make it. You know how to button your lip as all MLC spouses do.
YR he has to finish this. He came back before he was fully baked. I am on your time scale and my never came back He is still in lala land. It could be worse!
Hugs
PS Query to HB - I know you don't advocate throwing them out, and I agree, but what happens if, as many do, they decide to leave?
YR, I understand your frustration and yes, your h is acting as if nothing is wrong. To him, nothing is wrong. He's withdrawing into himself and I'm sure that's sending up red flags. Take a deep breath and know that this is normal.
The hardest part of the journey is when they are home and trying to feel comfortable in their own skin. I want you to do me a favor...think back to when you began to notice the "withdrawal" again. What happened during that period?
He may not run again....he may be one of the very few that can remain in the home and complete his journey. Right now, it appears that he is comfortable and if there is no pressure added, he may very well stay in the home.
Rose, I know it is annoying....take a deep breath and keep the focus on you and your family right now. He's got to finish up his journey and if washing and cleaning the cars will help him, then let him be. He will talk to you when the time is right.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BTW, my parents are doing fine and hanging in there, thank God. They don't know what is going on this time because H asked me not to say anything. My mom would worry too much anyway, so I think it is best for now.
I did think back, and there was another trigger. H started withdrawing again in the second week of this month. On the 3rd of January we had to put our dog Buddy to sleep. This time he went with me to do it. He cried and told Buddy he wished we could have fixed him. This all happened within a couple of days. The next day I was still pretty darn upset and my H started to stuff his feelings again. He didn't want to talk about Buddy. So maybe this is what started it again????
And you are so right that I have to keep my mouth shut and let him deal with it himself. He is outside waxing vehicles. I know that when he does that it makes him happy, so I will let him be.
You are right. I did put pressure on him. He does need to finish this. I just get so tired. Especially when things were great. I hope I still have the fight left in me. God, please give me the strength and patience to make it through.
I found your thread, will respond there to not further hijack YR's thread.
Ok Beatrice,
Quote:
I now realise that they have to fully complete their journey without pressure to return, otherwise as either [I think] Snodderley or HB wrote, if they return before they are ready they will 'run' again.
I came to understand this concept later on; it was one of the aspects of MLC I needed to learn, and DID learn.
From the situations I have observed over time; IF the MLC'er is NOT ready to come home for good; they can come home prematurely..the pressure within themselves will cause them to run again.
Since mine didn't leave the house at the time he was going through except for what was required on his job; it was most likely Snodderly that wrote this.
She was one of the most researched in the way of books; and situations that I'd seen; and she still is.
Quote:
Doesn't mean that they will actually go, but re-enter breifly some of the late stages of MLC in order to finally close the doors. I think this is dealing with unfinished business in his own way, and you are going to have to let this happen and not fight it.
Not necessarily; it depends on how far along they are..it is common to "cycle" back and forth, not only to settle of the issues, but the aspects of each issue, also.
It also depends on how far along he was in the tunnel before he put his MLC on hold for a time....
It CAN happen in this way if the pressure from the LBS is hard enough; and they react in such a way, they are afraid of losing the LBS if they don't come back.
Quote:
PS Query to HB - I know you don't advocate throwing them out, and I agree, but what happens if, as many do, they decide to leave?
They bear the responsibility for the leaving, then...it's anybody's guess; just like it is IF they are thrown out; but in that case, it adds to the blame the MLC'er is already putting on the LBS. Only in this instance, however, the LBS takes the decision out of the MLC'er's hands; and therefore bears the responsibility for putting them out.
Some that are thrown out won't return because of PRIDE that they are unable or unwilling to lay aside, and admit they were wrong.
They can choose instead to go on and try to start over with someone else that doesn't know them the way the LBS does.
Leaving on their own is one of the ways they can get their space they've demanded; they feel smothered, and pushed...and no wonder; no one had ANY warning of what was happening, until the BD came about.
The crying, begging and pleading, makes the pressure mount inside of the MLC'er to the point they feel they have to run away or explode.
Most do "peek" out of tunnel from time to time, in touch and goes to see if the LBS is where they "left" them.
The majority of the time; the LBS has already "got it", is moving forward; metaphorically leaving the MLC'er behind...it can throw the MLC'er into a panic...and that can be one of the reasons they want to come home before they are ready.
Some will also want to come home when they perceive they are not in control of the situation anymore; because the LBS is moving forward, the MLC'er gets afraid they will "lose" them, and there's also the "mommy" factor; a "child" would be trying to come home...but you are not his mother, therefore; you can refuse to allow him to come home until you KNOW he's ready.
I digress, however..you were asking what happens when they leave on their own.
The way I see it, IF they don't go stupid and get into an affair; they must deal with themselves; and face their issues head on.
The quickest way to come through the MLC is the facing of the issues and aspects of those issues..and until there is NO distractions; they will remain 'stuck' in their pain.
It seems they must walk one road, then another; go through "cheeseless tunnels"...until they hit a total dead end..and are FORCED to face themselves; and this is a process, just as MLC is a process..it's a journey they must walk; and some do walk it all the way to the end.
There are many things that can "spook" them along the way; causing them to "cycle" through an event come through before until they settle a particular issue within.
If they stay by themselves; then they are more likely to face themselves, if that makes sense.
I honestly believe some of them KNOW they are returning to the marriage at a later time; although they make some pretty horrendous mistakes; yet they WATCH the LBS to see what changes are made.
On the outside, they may try to discount the changes; mainly because they are afraid of change; but somewhere within KNOW change needs to come; I can't tell you when that realization comes, but it does....yet, the LBS is KEY to helping the MLC'er come forward in the tunnel.
When it is all said and done, MLC extracts a CHANGE from BOTH MLC'er and LBS.
It will change them BOTH even IF the marriage doesn't reconcile.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
You are making alot of sense to me right now. Right before my H moved back home for the final time is when I got really angry with him and went dark, dark,dark. He would call and I wouldn't answer and leave me messages just to hear my voice on the machine. He told me that he was afraid of loosing me.
THIS was what brought him back to you; AND caused him to put his MLC on hold. His fear overrode his need to continue his journey.
Don't beat yourself to pieces; this was NOT your fault.
Quote:
My son and H went out tonight for a couple of beers. Before my H went to pickup my son, I opened my big mouth. The tension got to me and I told him that I won't live my life like this and I deserve happiness and someone to love me. He told me "didn't we just have this conversation a week ago?" So I don't know if he is going to get a D or work on us.
Listen to what Snodderly is saying...this is NOT going to last forever; but if you push him before he is ready to come to you; he could leave again; and maybe carry through what he spoke to you about..a divorce.
When you spoke to him; that was PURSUIT; and you'll need to draw back, focus on yourself and your family...and say nothing else to him.
This is STILL all about him; and it has nothing to do with you.
One of the most important lessons I learned out of his MLC; was to keep my mouth shut and let him come to ME.
Until I learned this small detail, there were many times that I said things that pushed him backward; taking me with him.
I was PUSHING him; and me approaching him was PURSUIT.
It was not until I simply got on with my life; and left him behind to deal with himself, and I did NOT have to say one word to him...he started forward more steadily.
I understand the frustration; I was there, too, at one time...but there came a time when I left it ALL alone; stopped waiting on him, got on with my life; knowing he would follow when HE got ready; and not until.
It was more of the same; when his processing got interrupted; but then I had GAL'ing down good; and was able to survive on my own and hold my own with him...during that time, he was bothering ME more than I was ever bothering him.
The "dance" had changed steps; he was pursuing me; instead of the other way around.
It's going to be ok; it's just going to take a little longer...keep your patience intact.
Like she said, he will come to you when it's time and not before.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HB - thank you for this. My h, like so many 'got stupid' and had an affair. In fact he left because he wanted the affair.
I didn't beg or plead with him - although I hadn't found this site, I instinctively knew it would be fruitless. However, even though the affair is over, and we are divorced, he is still deep in MLC. We have virtually no contact, and he has withdrawn from his children almost totally - this withdrawal has been going on for well over a year, maybe two. It is 5 and a half years post bomb.
I still love him, but live a happy and fulfilled life. A lot of stuff has happened while he has been gone - his mother died, and we have both had cancer. I wonder if these traumas have slowed the processing down.
I have no instinct as to whether he will come back. We had an amazing marriage, or at least I thought so, and the children remember life as being very happy. The divorce was a mean and vengeful one on his part, and he screwed every penny out of me, and lied some . . . . but I recognise that this too is part of his problem, and oddly enough I don't feel bitter.
Yes you and snodderly are right. Like I said I opened my big mouth and I regreted that I did. I know he has to do this and I will let him do this on his own. I have to really, really get back into the mind set again. I know I can do it. I love my H!
