Deja vu seems a lot different this time around...

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ,
Buddy, I want to throw you a small life line. Go to the bookstore tomorrow and pick up "To Begin Again," by Naomi Levy. She is a female Jewish rabbi that wrote a book about losing her father when she was 16. The entire book talks about how in life we sometimes reach at point where all seems hopeless, but things can be saved. Please go get it. I read it twice. It really helped me to cope with the loss of my own father and some of the crap that is going on with my life now. There are countless examples in there of how ordinary folks found the will inside of their own head to pull themselves out of some very dark moments. Please go get it. You won't regret it.

Good luck with the job. I really think if you get it things will start to turn around for you. I will be pulling for you!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[mj144]

[quote=habitacker] Hmmmm, your first paragraph talks about not even a glimmer of hope.

Your second paragraph looks to be the opposite to me.

How do you mean?

[habitacker]

I have always believed in god, but have never been much on going to church other than x-mas,easter,etc. etc.

Since this has all happened, I have ran to him. I am not proud that this is what it takes for me to seek his help, but I am sure it happens all the time, and I am sure he understands.

It is amazing the similarities between DBing and his word. For example: patience.

I guess what I am saying is, that maybe she is looking for some help or guidance, and if she is looking, what could be wrong with going to church? Everything I have been told about marriage through god is to stick with your marriage and fix things. I would have to say God would be a pro-marriage MC.

[mj144]

Wow, where the hell has MJ144 gone?? I am still around. Still in purgatory and still hopeless. I haven't posted because I really don't have anything going on I am sorry to say. My contacts with my wife, in person, via text and via email are completely businesslike. The only thing at this point is that I told my W and the gal I'm renting a room from that I am moving out at the end of the month.

I am not sure how to approach this with my kids as I am sure it will confuse them. I figure, I will move back home until I get a job and then move out again. Confusing for the kids. I guess I shouldn't have left in the first place.

I spend so much time by myself these days, I am practically numb to my whole sitch. I sit here in limbo every day after dropping my kids off at school, I work on trying to find a job, read up on my B.I.T.S. on this forum and think about how I have accomplished absolutely nothing with regards to my M in almost 5 months. I pick my kids up, wait for my W to get home so she can pay no real attention to me and off I go. Monday through Friday.

On Wednesday, I show up to pick up my kids per my W request at 7 am so she can get to work early. She is still in her pajamas and tells me she had been up most of the night with splitting headaches. So she ends up going into work late. I get an email from her later that day saying she is going to have her parents come down to stay with the kids so she can just go to bed and rest since she is in NO this weekend for a work conference and she wants the extra rest. I was supposed to go to a school committee meeting that evening. So I tell her no I will miss the meeting and want to spend the time with the kids. She seems annoyed by this, but I insist she cancel with her parents. Anyway, she is already home in bed when I get home with the kids. I keep the kids away from her so she can rest, do their homework with them and make dinner. She comes out as I am putting the kids in bed and reheats the dinner I had made for herself. I didn't mind doing it, but would there be any words or acts of appreciation for me doing this for her? Hell no! Should I expect it, probably not. Should she, damn right she should. Instead, I get the feeling of inconveniencing her by me being there in MY house with MY kids. It's sh!t like this which leaves me with very little hope that she will ever come around.

Just needed to vent a bit.

B.I.T.S.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Something to mull on often said here, just a different way:

One member of a couple says (as if this is an excuse for leaving), "I love her, but I am no longer in love." Love is an action word, I want to say.
When was the last time you "loved" her by your actions?

Love is not just a feeling. Love is a verb. We have control over what we do, not what we feel.
Similarly, I only have control over what I do – not what my partner does.

If I do not like what is happening or how I feel,what can I do differently? As I behave differently, many times I get adifferent response.
How many times do I take for granted those thoughtful actions or tasks a partner may complete? Do I say thank you? Do I show my appreciation?
Do I care enough about my partner to do something they like,just as a love gift – not as a should?

Do I do these things without expecting something in return? If I expect something in return and do not get it, I will feel resentment, which is poison in a relationship.
A gift is only a gift if it has no expectations attached.
Riette Smith

[FellOnBlackDays]

MJ, good to hear from you. I thought you had left the country. HA! Sorry to hear that not much has changed. I am also sorry to hear that your job sitch has not improved. We are still pulling for you, my man.

Maybe you are on the right track right now. Take care of your kids, be a good dad to them and let the rest of the chips fall where they may for now. NO matter what happens between you and your W, you children will always love you. You should be proud that you are such a good dad. Don't let that leave your mind.

As for your W, she really still seems to be angry for some reason. It may take some more time for that to pass. I wish I had some words of wisdom here, but this is a tough one.

Just keep DB'ing, don't get baited into a fight and vent here, never to her.

Keep us posted.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

MJ,

I too was wondering where you went. OK. Bud time for some tough love.

The sitch has not changed because things have been done the same. As I read your post I see it, if I may with my inexperience and also lack of a functioning M point out some very obvious comments that lead me to this conclusion.

I spend so much time by myself these days, I am practically numb to my whole sitch. I sit here in limbo every day after dropping my kids off at school

I understand the job situation in 08' I lost my business after the market crashed I was practically unemployed for 9 months and was not even able to collect so for 9 months I had 0 income. Luckily for us W worked at a huge investment firm on Wall Street and we made it. However that did not take away my feeling worthlessness and my W really getting pissed off at me cause she felt like she was carrying the entire load. I never really got that because when she got laid off at the end of 08' she spend 11 months without an income and I never complained once. Actually I enjoyed it cause we could do things without having to take time off from work. She was always available, anyways that is for another post. So I get it. Until you find work that feeling will not change, but as I look back on it there are some things I could of done to lift my spirits that did not require money. This is something you need to start doing because one of the biggest things I see working against you is your own demons of not working. GAL!!! Just make sure its not expensive.

I have accomplished absolutely nothing with regards to my M

What have you done different?

but would there be any words or acts of appreciation for me doing this for her?

Think about this statement for a second.........Why would she? Should she. Of course, but in my opinion a lot of these WAS should be doing a lot of things they are not doing. This is a classic example of doing something and expecting something. If you are going to cook and really don't mind doing it then really don''t mind if she comes down and eats it without saying anything. Take a look at 1step threads. The guy does his own thing no pressure no nothing. The result is his W is in constant turmoil over her decision.

I know in your case the job situation is the major stressor but that will change in time. On the meantime work on what you can control and at this point it is only your demeanor when around W. If you wake up tomorrow and act as if life is great she will raise an eye brow. I have a friend who is a female and this girl is absolutely infectious with her good vibes. I enjoy being around her just because she is so fun to be around with. People who are really happy are very hard to reject especially if you've been down this whole time. Try laughing watch a funny movie go running do something. Don't sit in front of your PC all day an wallow in your misery because you are not helping yourself or your situation.

Easier said than done, tell me about it but when you are on the outside looking in sometimes you see things a little more clearly. Try it for a week and see what happens. I mean really try and be happy for 1 week, you've got nothing to lose nothing has changed in how many months?

[mj144]

I think I got a pretty clear sign from my W that she wants nothing to do with me. She has been out of town at a business conference all weekend. I was at my house with the kids. I was in the basement working out when she came home tonight. She doesn't even bother to come and greet me. She just does whatever and goes to bed. I wouldn't necessarily expect any kind of fanfare greeting with a gift and hugs and kisses :), but I would think that she would at least come down and say hello if she gave 2 sh!ts about me. For f*ck sake, man. Is that a bitch move or what?!?!

Am I reading too much into that?

B.I.T.S.

[Denver_2010]

No MJ. Probably not reading too much into it. Your W wants nothing to do with you RIGHT NOW. The million dollar question is how to get her to snap out of that. I understand that you can't go dark at least until you take care of the job sitch, but once you do, I'd move into a new place where you can have the kids, work out a schedule with W as to who has kids on what days, and GO DARK.

I honestly don't think that your sitch is going to get any better until your W has a period of darkness where she can be distracted of her hateful thoughts that she has right now with thoughts of "I wonder what MJ is doing, haven't heard from him... I miss when MJ you to do this or that..." Darkness gives you the time to become emotionally stable and WAS time to heal from wounds and begin to think about healthier emotions related to then ending the M. She doesn't have a chance to begin to feel those emotions right now bc all she thinks about is how she wants you gone.

BITS
Denver

[mj144]

Just don't see that as working either. After 5 months, why would she start giving a sh!t all of a sudden because I go dark? I see that as an opportunity for her to solidify her contempt for me by not seeing me, which she obviously wants more than anything. That will in my mind give her the cue to finally do what she wants and start the D. I think I just played my cards all wrong through this and them when I lost my job, I lost any chance to control anything.

I wish that I could see any real strategy right now that will get positive results. I am about ready to give up. Going dark, while it is probably the only thing left for me to do, will not do a damn thing in my mind.

B.I.T.S.